Maybe tomorrow

The title is also a song. I hope to write tomorrow. I just wrote about some of my reads in my book blog, so I can't really write anymore. Especially on this tiny phone. I really miss my computer.

Exhausted

I haven't written lately. I have mostly been writing in my journal when I need. Although that's not why I haven't Blogged. My computer is broken right now. I can't afford to fix it, or to buy a new one. I can blog on my phone. That's what I'm doing now, but it is a lot more work.
So if I write here, for now it will just be small thoughts.
My thought for today is that I am physically and mentally exhausted. I'm trying to get excited about life, but am not succeeding. I have trouble getting to sleep at night lately as well. It's off and on, but it seems like night is when I think about Cameron the most. He died over a month ago, and I miss him so much. I just want to hear his voice. I wish I could see more of him in my dreams.

Loss

I think I'm doing this blog entry wrong. Not all of them, but this one. I don't have a particular subject to write about. I want to write about Cameron. I want to talk about Cameron, and I want to tell stories, and remember him. I want to cry because I don't have him anymore, and I don't want to explain myself. I also want to smile, and be happy.

I missed Cameron when we broke up. I felt like my heart was breaking, but at the time, I knew it would heal. Our friendship was helping it heal. When I had the miscarriage and lost my grandparents, my heart was also breaking, but he stood beside me through everything.

The thing with a broken heart, is that they heal. Sometimes differently, but they always heal. I have many past relationships gone bad to prove that. I'm still healing from the deaths, and it will take a lot of mending to get through the loss of Cameron.

I had a lot of trouble doing things alone during that time. I felt panic every time I had to leave the house. It saved me that Cameron was there. I guess I attached myself to him in a way. I felt safer when I was with him. It probably wasn't the healthiest relationship because of that, but it helped me. People called me courageous, but the truth is, Cameron was my courage.

It wasn't until I moved back to Saskatoon, that I started to feel more brave. Now, I have no choice but to deal with everything on my own. I don't consider that brave either. It's not courage (or being a hero). It's life. If I learned anything from the past, it's that I can't just stop. I have to go to work everyday, and I have to take care of myself. It also helps that my friends and family are constantly checking in with me. I can let them know how I'm feeling at any moment.

Writing is going to be healing. It has to be. I don't want to hold anything in, and I don't want to get to the point that I did in the past. That point was when I couldn't get out of bed, and I didn't want to face the world. So I will be writing here, and in my journal, and to Cameron, and in any way that I can. I'll try to keep up with my fiction writing as well. I'd guess escaping my own reality might be a good idea every once in a while. Even with Cameron, I couldn't get out of bed at times. Now I'm going to be getting out for both of us.

I've been getting 'panic attacks' lately. I've had them before, but it feels like they're coming more frequently. I put it in quotations because I don't know that it's actually panic attacks. I do know it's another thing I have to work through.

Anyway, I have to go to bed. Monday tomorrow. It means I have another week to get through. This one is going to be more busy than others. Good thing? I'll let you know.

Until next time,
E

Everything happens for a reason?

When I had my miscarriage "Everything Happens for a Reason" was the thing I heard the most. I absolutely hated hearing it. I didn't see the reason, and I didn't get why people thought that saying would make me feel better. I didn't understand why I would accidentally get pregnant, only to lose the baby. I didn't get it.
And then I thought about Cameron. He came to me when I was pregnant in 2008. And when I told him my theory that he was my reason, he thought he was my reason after I lost the baby. We both agreed. And then at the end of August 2011, we broke up. It was horrible, and something I never wanted to imagine. Life without Cameron was not anything I had ever prepared for. I did it. He lived in Whitecourt, and I in Saskatoon. (We had planned to live separately as a couple, but ended up living apart broken up). I called him a lot after we had broken up. He was the person. The person I called to feel better, and to smile, and to laugh. It  didn't change. It wasn't as frequent as the months continued, but it still happened. I knew who could make me smile. I knew who I could tell anything to.
We hadn't seen each other since September. I had gone to Whitecourt to pick up some of my things. I stayed for three days. He worked during the days, but we saw each other at night. The day I left, we went for breakfast. Before I got into my car to head home, we hugged. It wasn't enough. I knew it was our ending. I asked for another hug. I knew we would be friends, but was heart broken that we wouldn't be more.
Until then, I had hoped he would be my 'Mr Big'. A man who someday would realise it was me he loved, but didn't know it. I stopped believing that. Mostly because it got more and more unlikely. We were better as friends. At first, talking to him was hard. I wanted to move on, I didn't want to love him. When I say love, I don't mean 'in love'. I mean love. With my whole heart. I don't know what 'in love' means anymore. I know that he was somebody I was scared to live without. He was a best friend.
I realised that I didn't want to stop talking to him. I didn't want the distance. Cameron and I talked about twice a month. Not a lot. It turned out to be not as much as I would have liked, but he was busy and I was busy. Real life of a separated couple.
We spoke in the middle of December. I told him a story about not fitting into any of my dresses. He laughed his head off. His infectious laugh. I know people constantly talk about infectious laughter. I'm sure they are correct. But Cameron... he had it. We caught up on life. He told me about a girl he met on line. I was jealous, but I hid it. I gave advice. We hung up.
I texted him later to let him know that my job had become permanent. When he texted me back to say he was happy for me, I didn't respond. I don't know why.
We texted again after that. We were making arrangements for when he came home for Christmas. I wanted to see him on the Thursday he got home. Or Friday. I was so excited to see him. Catch up in person. Hug in person. Be friends.
The day he was supposed to be coming back I texted a friend who was getting a ride back with him. I had suggested she speak to him about a ride. She was going to come back to Saskatoon with him. When I texted her to ask how far they were, she told me he wasn't there yet. She had called his phone, and a constable had answered. He told her he would send officers to her house. She thought it was a joke.
It wasn't. Cameron was killed in a car accident not even 20 minutes out of Whitecourt. He was headed to Edmonton on Wednesday. He was going to pick up Brittany (from Edmonton) the next day, and never picked her up. Nobody knew until the cops went to her house. They told her not to tell anybody. She wouldn't answer my phone calls or texts. I knew, but didn't want to. I was at work, so called Denise to comfort me... or to find out the truth. She found out the truth, and came to my work to get me. I can't get that day out of my head.
I don't know how to get through this. I also don't know why people think the saying "Everything happens for a reason" is of any help at all. My reason is gone. And I hate to say that out loud because it makes me sound depressing and out of solutions... but that's what I feel.
I'm not saying I won't move on in life. I don't know where I will move on to, and I don't know if I'll find that 'love of my life' I've always thought I would find. But I'll keep going, and I'll learn how to laugh at all the things I once thought were funny... But I won't be the same, and I'll always try to figure out why things happen for a reason. I thought I had it all figured out... but I don't know.
I'll be writing again. It's not like the entries after my miscarriage. I wrote them about a year after the fact -as with the deaths of my grandma McCrea and my grandfather Burton. This is not even a month after the fact. I found out he died on December 22nd. So in this case, any writing I will be doing will be direct healing. Hopefully.
We weren't a couple, but I loved him. And I miss him, and am still trying to get this. Why it happened? Why he isn't here? Why I couldn't have one more hug?
I'm publishing this now.

Warning of what is to come

I'm not writing a big post right now. I'm just basically writing to say that I will be writing. I don't know when, and I'm not sure it will be about what it should be. I have a lot to say, and I've had to deal with a lot of sadness lately. If you've read this from a start, I guess that's not a shock, but more has happened.

I am sad, and I'm confused, and I'm trying to figure out what is next for me. How to get through this latest big thing.

I'll write more some day.

Stress

Maybe it's just the before Christmas stress, but I'm totally feeling stressed out about absolutely everything. I'm not good with stress. I'm good with let things happen as they may -which isn't always the best way to be. I need to figure out the things I'm stressed about, and fix them. Stress does not make a person happy, and I would rather be happy than anything. I know people aren't happy all the time, every day, and frankly I am creeped out by the people who pretend to be. Some people like to be 'comfortably numb' -I love to feel things. I just want to feel them, and move on. Somehow and sometime.

However, feeling things and feeling stress are two completely different things.

I guess that's something else to add to my goals for the New Year. Deal with my stress, and fix what's causing it. I'm not going to write about all my stresses in here because as honest as I've been, I realise that it's not just my friends who are reading this, and don't need to air un-needed problems for all to read. I started this speaking about miscarriage because I felt like it was a topic mostly ignored. That doesn't mean I want to talk about every single detail of my life. Mostly because I think that would be even more boring that it is now.

And that seems like a good place to end this. Time to take a trip to my real journal -it's neglected lately.

Have a good night.

The New Year

I kind of get the whole age thing in South Korea. When I was there, I found out that they celebrated birthdays a bit different than the Western part of the world -or any part of the world as far as I can tell. I guess they still had normal birthdays but they aged differently. Everyone turned a year older in January. January 1st. I don't know enough about all the celebrations. They do have a Korean New Year as well though. They also celebrate the New Year on January 1st, and that's when everybody turns a year older. They are actually 1 when they are born, and even if they're born December, they'll turn 2 on January 1st. If I'm getting this wrong, please correct me. I remember my students telling me I was older than I was after New Year.

What I'm getting at is I understand why I'd want it this way. I'm not at all sure why they have chosen to do it this way. I just tried to google it, but didn't get an answer that satisfied me. I didn't spend as much time as I could have. For some reason, it just seems like when you turn a year older, and New Year are the time in your life when you 'vow' to make all your changes (or resolutions). So Why not make the changes New Year's day -the same day you're a year older. It's like a clean slate every year. A new age, and a new chance at changes.

In other words: I'm very much looking forward to the New Year. I am looking forward to new goals, and new experiences. I'm not doing it now, I want to wait. It is good that I'm not aging earlier I guess, but the year that aged me, would certainly give me more initiative.

This entry doesn't seem to have made as much sense as it did in my head. I'm going to publish it either way. Maybe somebody will get what I'm trying to say. I kind of doubt it though because the more I tried to explain, the less I understood what I was talking about.

I'll be writing my goals in here. Slowly, one at a time before New Year. This doesn't mean they'll happen. It just means I know what I want to change in my life. It's what I will resolve to do. (I will resolve to make the goals... and TRY to do them).

E

Good news?

I just reread my last post. Turns out my decision has been made. My job has just been offered as a permanent job. So it looks like I'll only have to start over when I choose to. I guess that's been the case this whole time. While it scares me to finally have a decided future (if I choose to follow it), it's also going to be a new year of changes. Starting next year, I'm going to make changes to help me fall in love with life in Saskatoon even more.

I realise I could start now, but I guess I'm not very original with my timing. It's not even half way to December, and I want to start the new year with a clean slate. But I do not have time to do it all before Christmas. Plus changing my diet is on the list, and I will be having Christmas supper. As much of it as I'd like.

I don't really have much else to say. However, with all the changes I have for myself, I will continue writing, and I'm not waiting until the New Year to work on a life resolution. I've been writing more this whole year. I won't be stopping.

E

starting over

I'm getting sick of starting over. I feel like I've done it too many times. I can't really complain about it because every time I've moved, it's been my decision. It just seems like every time I move to a new city or town I lose things, and I have to rebuild my life.

At least this time, I have my family and friends close to me to help when I'm feeling like a break down. (Not that I'll tell them). I am a little worried about the fact that my  job is covering a maternity leave. I know if it's not extended, that I'm going to once again, be ready to start new, which may end up starting out new somewhere else.

I guess the reason it's bugging me lately is because I was starting a life in Whitecourt with Cameron. I am always happy to not be in Whitecourt anymore. That town was making me miserable, but my house that I had made into my home with Cameron, Karmen (my dog), and Rolo (my cat). Now I have none of those things, and no longer have the home. (or the hot tub, heated garage or car)... None of those things really mean anything to me. I miss them sometimes, even though I hate to admit it. I miss talking to Cameron, and snuggling with my Rolo, and playing with Karmen. I'm fine with Cameron and I not being in a relationship -it was time. That doesn't mean I can't miss what I once had.

I want to look forward to what's happening, but for the first time in my life, I want to know what it is. I never wanted to know or care before, but now I want to know if I'll be here in a year, and if I'll still have my job... and you know... a glimpse into my romantic future would be nice as well. Husband and kids and all that. I guess I just want to hurry my life along, and I really don't want to have to start over in a new city again. I want to be happy with where I am, no matter what happens.

Anyway, not really sure that this blog was needed, or that it made a lot of sense, but I haven't had time to write fiction so I thought I better write non-fiction. I guess I have a journal for that as well.

A World Without Strangers

There's a store I went to in Korea called Giordano. A friend from Australia that I taught with in Seoul had heard of it, but I've never seen this store in Canada before or after. The store had shirts with the saying "A world Without Strangers." We both loved it. I still have a tank top with the saying. It's old and doesn't fit correctly anymore, but I love it. The saying means so much.

I haven't thought about it in a long time. It wasn't until I was trying to think of a title for this entry. I was going to call it 'The Kindness of Strangers'. But that's pretty cliche.

I had a pretty good day at work. It's been busy lately, so I've had a lot to do, and I love it. I love being busy, and feeling like I'm doing something. It slowed down late afternoon.

When 5:00 finally came around, I went to put on my boots. Nice reliable winter boots. Good for walks in snow. When I tried to pull the zipper down so I could get my feet into them, it wouldn't budge. I couldn't get it to move up or down. So I decided to just stuff my foot in -turned out to be the wrong decision because the zipper actually broke.

So I left work all bundled up with one broken zippered boot. Now, although it's not a big deal, I am the type of person that can let that ONE thing in a day full of good things bug the hell out of me. I was mad, and I was upset that I might have to buy new boots, or get the stupid zipper fixed. I was imagining the back of my foot getting a blister because it was rubbing on the back of my boots. In all reality, it was a bit uncomfortable, but not really making it a problem to walk in.

I walk all the way home along a trail next to the river. Every day. I love it. Today of course, I didn't. Hard to love things when you're content on being grumpy. I sometimes have trouble passing people. This is going to sound bad, but I find it awkward to HAVE to smile at them if I happen to catch their eyes. I sometimes just stare straight ahead, or check my phone... or sometimes I smile at them. I passed one person, and ignored the fact that I had (because I was in my grumpy phase). There was somebody coming up behind him though. An lady in her late 40s maybe. Before I had a chance to look away, she gave me a huge (and real) smile. I smiled back. As I passed her, she gestured towards the river and said, "Isn't it beautiful?" I looked. It was beautiful.

Strange how a complete stranger can put things into perspective.

And a little more about the clothes and what their view was on the phrase: "The phrase, “a world without strangers”, implies a world where neither nationalities, class, ethnicity nor gender divide people. It is a utopia that everyone wishes for. For Giordano, this widely held ideal is one of the primary ideas behind its marketing image." From: http://sacom.hk/category/campaigns/giordano

My favourite day of the year

I woke up to lots of snow. Fills me with peace and excitement.

Love it.

And here are some pictures of one of my loves.

Being a writer

It's been a while. Not a long while. I've definitely taken longer breaks between posts. I just really want to keep this up, while I try to do everything else. My poor real life journal, never gets any writing action. It's too bad. I've been writing in that for many years because I take so many breaks from it -it's literally falling apart.

October is now over. We're already into November. The months are going too quickly in my eyes. I feel like I have so much to do, and I'm not really doing anything lately. Actually, my life is truly being taken over by writing (and TV). I write at work, I try to write at home, and I have really become quite an anti-social. I just solved my problem, it's not that time is going to quickly, it's that I'm not doing anything to reach my goals.

It feels like I've picked one focus, and am not dealing with the rest. I'm trying to write a novel, and I hate saying that because if it never happens, everybody I've told will know. I obviously don't tell a lot of people, but I just wrote it in my blog, so it's out there.

Anyway, even though I love that I'm writing, I know there are other things I'm not dealing with. Like the fact that I'm 31 and I still want to somehow get married and have kids someday in my life -which isn't easy when I don't even have any sort of man presence. I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship right now -I'm still healing from the last one, but I'd love to date or go on dates. I want to have some fun, and to smile and laugh. It just isn't going to happen if I don't do anything about it.

Okay, short entry... but I have to go write some fiction (calling it fiction sounds better than the hopeful word 'novel'.)

Not knowing how much you miss things

I started this blog post about a week ago. I wrote the post title and than two words. Nehal and library. And then I didn't return to it as quickly as I should have.

I wrote Nehal because I recently saw her in Moose Jaw for her wedding (she lives in Toronto though). Nehal is so many things. My confident, my twin, my encourager. She's the one who encourages my writing. I hadn't seen her in about four years. The last time I saw her was the last time I lived in Saskatoon. Although we text almost every day... sometimes twice a week, we haven't seen each other in that long. She was the first person I texted (and told) when I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy to be at her wedding. It made me sad at the same time because I realised how much I missed her. She's one of my closest friends and we were keeping up our relationship through technology.

Basically, I realised that I need to make more of an effort to see her. I will be making a trip to Toronto as soon as I can. Plus getting out of Saskatchewan every once a while would be pretty great.

Library isn't so important. I got a library card, and was beyond excited because as I walked around the library my English major self came back. And I loved it. I didn't realised I missed the library until I was there. Not quite the same as the Nehal story.

Lastly, I'm starting to write again. Fiction. Not blog/non-fiction. By starting, I mean I wrote yesterday and I love it. I might not write as much here. Not that I was writing a lot.

What is this about?

When I restarted this blog, I wanted to write about topics in my life that are 'silent' topics. Things people know about, but don't really discuss. I wanted to talk about my experiences without being worried of judgement. Or without caring because I know as well as anybody that judgement is human nature.

It's different now. I just want to write. I'm not doing very well at writing fiction lately, but I seem to be making time for my blog. I'm happy about that. Although, I really don't have a lot to say. My life is about work right now. Mostly because I don't have a lot of other things going on. I'm catching up with friends, but everybody is busy. I have lots to look forward to, but I think most of what I'm looking forward to is the unknown. That sounds a bit like a cliche... but that's fine with me. It's true. I have love, travel and career to look forward to, and I don't know what any of them will be. (I do hope my job will be a career, but it's hard to know that when I'm covering a maternity leave).

The last time I wrote, I was having a bad day. I felt close to tears most of the day. Here is the good thing about that bad day: A year ago my days were opposite. I'd have one good day out of a whole bunch of bad days. This was one day wedged between a lot of good days. I woke up the next morning (after a bad sleep) and cheered up. My walk to work made me smile, talking to Nehal made me smile, co-workers probably made me laugh, and I paid way too much for shoes at lunch time. Either way, once again, it was the little things that made me happy. Things are just so much better now than they were two years ago, a year and a half a go, and a year ago. I've slowly been healing emotionally.

I don't know what my blog is about anymore. It feels like writing about day to day feelings and issues is kind of a wasted blog. I guess we'll see where it goes. Maybe someday I'll share some fiction. (Or maybe I'll save that to be published.)

Until next time.
E

I'm allowed a bad day right?

It has been one of those days. I hate having 'one of those days'. I would much rather still be as happy and optimistic as I have been lately. I'm not today.
I had a terrible sleep last night. I can't remember any of my dreams, but they weren't happy ones. I woke up with a headache and feeling very tired. The day  just didn't go anywhere from there. Even my walk to work didn't leave me with the usual happiness. That's my favourite part of the day.

I guess I'm feeling the sadness of being alone. I relied to much on my ex -as I've said. I am learning how to do things on my own. Go places without somebody by my side. It's tough, and I don't want to face the world by myself. I've been on the verge of tears all day, but HATE crying in front of people so I've fought them off all day.

My roomie is gone for all of next week, so I guess I'm going to have to learn pretty quickly how to be all alone. (only for a week though.)

In other great news, this weekend I'm celebrating my friend's marriage. I've spoken about her before. Nehal -the person who has the most faith in me in the world. I can't wait to see her!

That's it. I'll try to be more cherry next time.

E

Breathing again

I've been feeling really good lately. Dare I say, happy even. I still go through moments when I am sad, and I wish things had gone differently, but I'm trying so hard not to waste too much time thinking about that because that's what gets people down when they could be happy.

I'm loving having myself back, and am finally able to just breath. I was so dependent on my ex. (I know I've already said his name in past blogs, but now I'm just going to write my ex -as in my most current ex). I'm not blaming him for me being dependent. It was so easy to do at that moment in my life because of all that I was going through. My ex saved me and helped me, and because of this I found it harder and harder to be my own person, and be the independent Erin I loved. I know in every relationship, you lose a piece of yourself. That scares me, and I lost a lot of myself. It's just the constant change people go through I guess. I have to re-find myself, and I'll probably come out of it a completely new person. For now though, I'm just going to breath and enjoy life.

My aunt has napkins in her cabin and the quote on them is this: "What if it really doesn't get any better than this?" I took one home with me and put it on my fridge. I've spent too much time waiting for things to get better. I have been learning to just be happy. Life is what I make it. And I'm going to love every moment of it. I've actually been scaring myself with all this wonderful optimism lately. Believe me, it's not always there -but I'm working on it.

I know everybody in the world is taking pictures of fall lately, but this is what is making me happy. I'm most happy in the mornings because of all the beauty surrounding me.

Pictures

As I was finishing up my last post, I published it, and then saw that my pageviews have just passed 1000. (1001 to be exact). I know that it's in part people who have already been here, but then checked again... but who cares. Still pretty awesome.
To celebrate, I'm adding some pictures. Of the past, of the present, but the future is still to come.

I love these two. Neither of them are with me now, but they are forever in my heart. (Yes, I am corny). Rolo and Karmen.

I didn't want to put pictures of anybody but me in here because I consider it invasion of privacy (at least on fb I have my account protected). This one is far away though. It's taken in a museum in Edmonton.

I went on a wine tour with my ex (he wasn't an ex at the time) in BC right before I moved to Saskatoon. It was a good time.

 

 

A fantastic walk in the rain.

 

 

Now, I'm done blogging for the night.

The 'to do in my near and far away future' list

This list isn't small, and I like it that way. There are things on it that may never happen, and things on it that might happen tomorrow. Things I want to do this year, and things I want to do some day. As I said, I think it's important to see what I've done in the past, and to be proud of my accomplishments, but making plans to better myself and for the future are just as important.

So here we go.

• Things I want to do in this year:
• Lose weight -eat better and exercise
• By summer, I want to be able to participate in a marathon. We'll see, but I think it's for sure something I'd like to do. If not this year, than in the future.
• I'd like to volunteer. Hoping to volunteer for something literacy related.
• Save money and pay off bills.
• Spend as much time with family and friends as I am able to because that's why I came back.
• Get a car -although I need to make sure I have a job that lasts more than a year before I can even consider that. I'm only here covering a maternity leave, so everything depends on if I have a job at the end of the year or not. I would rather be able to keep the job because it might be time for some stability in my life, but if I don't end up with one in July, then I've got the whole world open to me.
• Try to date again. I don't want to jump into a relationship, but I'm ready to just date. If something turns into a relationship, that's fine as well.
• Write. All the time. Blog, journal, and fiction.
• Do the best I can in work, life and future plans.
• Things I want for my future:
• Love. I want to be in love with somebody, and I want them to be in love with me.
• Marriage and a baby. (This isn't anytime soon).
• Travel. I want to go to so many places. To name a few: Europe by train, Ireland, Scotland, Australia, South Africa, India, Mexico... Really, every where.
• I want to visit Newfoundland again.
• I want to try scary things. Bungee jumping (I've already tried this, and decided against it when I was at the top. I'd actually be okay with myself if I don't do it.) I want to skydive. I want to try new things.
• I want to be published.
• I want to make a difference.
• I hope to have a job I love. It could be the one I'm currently doing, or something different.
• I want to make it to Toronto. I've been there, but now I have friends who live there, and I've been promising to visit for years. This may not happen in a year, but I still want it to be in my recent future.

That's all I can think of. The good thing about blogging though, is that I can edit and add things all I want. (As I keep doing with the list I wrote yesterday.)

Till next time.

The 'already done and proud of it' list

I think too much of life is spent thinking of regrets and working on the 'bucket list'. Things you wish you had done, and things you plan to do. I know I've spent too much time wishing I had made different choices, or that I had done things differently. I also spend time thinking about all the things I'd like to do. Not really goals, but things that I hope to get to do so they won't end up on my regret list. Life can't just have a regrets list and a still to do list. So I'm going to write my 'glad I've done it list'. There are so many things on that list, and it's important to remember that. I do have my things still to do list, and I think that's important, but I need to pay attention to both. Some things on this list weren't planned, just things I've done and I'm proud of.
So here they are -in time line order. (But without the times).

• Learning how to ride a bike. I was a late learner, which seems to be a theme in my life. It's the first thing I remember being proud of. I'm sure I did things before that -like walking.
• Writing from a young age. Stories, letters, journals, you name it, I wrote it.
• When I was a teenager, I submitted a short story I wrote to a magazine. It didn't get published, but that's not even important. Having the guts to submit my work was what I'm proud of.
• I was in drama from grade seven on. School drama, and in grade 12, I was in the town play and the school play. For this I am proud. I was a shy kid, and drama was a way to get it out.
• I went to a writing camp. To get in, I had to submit a piece of work. I got in. Two summers in a row. It was a chance to do what I loved.
• Graduating high school with an 80 average. Grades weren't easy for me. I really had to try, and I did (I just waited for my last year).
• Going to Katimavik. Katimavik is a program -government funded. I met up with 10 other strangers and we lived in three different provinces for three months each. It was my first 'real life' experience. Although, quite a guarded 'real life'. I met friends, who I'm happy to say I still have contact with, found my first 'real' boyfriend, and had so many firsts.
• In Katimavik -I climbed a mountain in Newfoundland
• I kayaked in the ocean in Newfoundland.
• I worked at a Marine Centre, and built a boardwalk
• I fell in love with my first boyfriend
• I toured Newfoundland -St. Johns, Gross Mourne, Terra Nova (and more)
• I toured Ontario -Niagra Falls, Toronto, Ottawa, and Carleton Place
• I got my first tattoo.
• I worked in a daycare
• I travelled Quebec -Baie St Paul, Quebec City, and Montreal
• I dealt with my first heart break (but to an 18 year old, it takes longer to heal than it should). I got over it -that's the thing to be proud of.
• I shaved my head. Which takes courage.
• I planned a trip to Montreal for the group. I'm proud of that because I was taking on leadership roles I didn't know I had.
• I thought I had life figured out, and myself figured out. (I didn't)
• Finishing Katimavik
• After Katimavik, I spent a year learning while learning more about myself. I lived in Moose Jaw with my grandma and loved getting to know her. I spent time with my best friends. I met a guy I loved and dated for another five years.
• I thought I had life figured out, and myself figured out. (I didn't).
• I got accepted to University.
• I worked at a Sobeys behind a deli counter for four years while I went to University. I'm proud of the fact that I did it with minimal breakdowns.
• I volunteered for the ambassador program at U of R -giving tours to students interested in attending U of R. I also volunteered for the Transition House in Regina.
• I thought I had life figured out, and myself. (I didn't).
• I graduated University with a BA in English.
• I got hired out of a lot of other students from a Creative Writing job at the Leader Post (the newspaper in Regina). I hated it, but I still got the job.
• I made a life changing choice. I left EVERYTHING and moved to South Korea where I knew nobody. (I had a cousin there, but hadn't seen him in years).
• I made the decision after moving there to break up with Garnet. To this day, it's one of the bravest things I've ever done.
• I met friends that will forever be in my heart. I hope to see them again.
• I learned more about myself, and was able to finally try all new things. New foods, new culture, new language.
• I went to the world famous Mud festival, spent time in a Buddhist Temple, and went para-gliding twice, and went snow boarding.
• I taught all types and all ages of students.
• I tried new things.
• I found out that I didn't have life figured out, and I had so much to learn about myself.
• I came home with the plan to return to Asia, but this time teach in Taiwan.
• My friend from Katimavik, Katie and I went on an amazing trip to Thailand and Taiwan.
• I learned how to surf, rode an elephant, got a bamboo tattoo and experienced all that Thailand had to offer.
• I went to Taiwan. I said no to the job I went there for. I'm proud of this because I came to the realization that I had to stop running away from real life.
• I came home, started over, found a place to live, and found a job (or two).
• I went to broadcasting school while working almost full time.
• I was in the best shape, and my favourite weight.
• I wasn't scared of anything.
• I graduated from my six month broadcasting course.
• I was a bridesmaid twice for both my best friends. Nice to be loved.
• I had my first job in radio. I was a Creative Writer in Melfort for CIXM. I loved my job.
• I got my driver's license thanks to a supportive boss.
• I got my first car.
• I moved to Whitecourt Alberta to take a new job at CIXM. Account Executive.
• I did well.
• I bought my first house.
• I thought I had life figured out.
• I finally attempted to have another 'real' relationship. (other than flings). It didn't work out.
• I went to Vegas with my sister. Celebrated her 30th. Saw Bette Midler and went shopping. So great.
• I learned I'm ready to have babies. (but not yet).
• I met a guy who helped me and loved me as much as he could. We stayed together for two and a half years.
• I quit my job. I hate to quit, so it was brave. Unfortunately it left me with no job.
• I survived the toughest year of my life. No exaggeration. A miscarriage and two deaths. I'm not proud of that, but I'm proud of getting through it. Although it took a long time.
• I turned 30.
• For the first time since graduating broadcasting school, I started broadcasting. I went back to CIXM as an intern. I was on air some evenings, and voice tracked weekends. I loved it.
• I worked at a job in a hotel working nights. I didn't think I would enjoy it, but I did. I also enjoyed the respect I had from my boss. Gave me some self confidence that I had lost.
• I applied for a Creative Writing job in Saskatoon for radio. I got the job.
• I moved to Saskatoon. I found a place to live, and I've started over as a single girl.
• I have participated in every thing I could in this beautiful city. Folk fest, the Fringe, the Ex, Wicked, and so much more. I experienced a great summer and fall. Some of it with my ex and some of it alone. I've made new friends, and caught up with my old friends, and am spending time with my best friend's children.

That's it. I'm sure there is stuff that I've missed, but here are the important things in my adult life. There will be more. They'll happen from a list or by accident, but they will be great. Just like my past has been.

Helping

I meant to write sooner. Of course, life has gotten in the way. Or I have. I'm trying to do a lot more writing lately. It's hard to do that because I basically write all day at work. I think the only way to work on myself is to write. Journal write, blog, and hopefully write some fiction. That's what I need the most practice with now. It used to be all I ever wrote -other than the occasional journal as I was growing up.

I've been thinking lately about my job. I love it, and I love the fact that I get to write for most of the day. I just sometimes wish I was doing something that helped people. Before I went to Korea, I was accepted into Social Work. It will always be one of those things that I wonder about. Originally, I had planned to come home in a year and take it -but things change. Life would certainly be different. I love where I've gone in life, and the things that I've done so I don't spend a lot of time thinking about what could have been. I just know that if I had chosen Social Work, things would be a lot different. I would have a career that involved helping people. Or -trying to help people. I guess I just see friends who have amazing jobs, that should leave them feeling amazing about themselves because of all that they do. I don't really have a job like that. In fact, I have a job that annoys people.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this because I do love my job. I love the fact that every day I get to go to work and be creative. It's a pretty good feeling when I'm busy. I think I just have to balance it out. I know that my job isn't helping people, so maybe I should volunteer. Once a week would good even to start. I just need to find the perfect place to volunteer. I was thinking I'd get a second job, but for now I think I'll volunteer. I'm not saying this is going to happen soon -I'm still getting comfortable with my new life, and working on myself, but it will happen when I'm ready.

I have another post that will be coming either today or tomorrow, but it won't be with this one... not the same thoughts. Although, that has never really stopped me before.