starting over

I'm getting sick of starting over. I feel like I've done it too many times. I can't really complain about it because every time I've moved, it's been my decision. It just seems like every time I move to a new city or town I lose things, and I have to rebuild my life.

At least this time, I have my family and friends close to me to help when I'm feeling like a break down. (Not that I'll tell them). I am a little worried about the fact that my  job is covering a maternity leave. I know if it's not extended, that I'm going to once again, be ready to start new, which may end up starting out new somewhere else.

I guess the reason it's bugging me lately is because I was starting a life in Whitecourt with Cameron. I am always happy to not be in Whitecourt anymore. That town was making me miserable, but my house that I had made into my home with Cameron, Karmen (my dog), and Rolo (my cat). Now I have none of those things, and no longer have the home. (or the hot tub, heated garage or car)... None of those things really mean anything to me. I miss them sometimes, even though I hate to admit it. I miss talking to Cameron, and snuggling with my Rolo, and playing with Karmen. I'm fine with Cameron and I not being in a relationship -it was time. That doesn't mean I can't miss what I once had.

I want to look forward to what's happening, but for the first time in my life, I want to know what it is. I never wanted to know or care before, but now I want to know if I'll be here in a year, and if I'll still have my job... and you know... a glimpse into my romantic future would be nice as well. Husband and kids and all that. I guess I just want to hurry my life along, and I really don't want to have to start over in a new city again. I want to be happy with where I am, no matter what happens.

Anyway, not really sure that this blog was needed, or that it made a lot of sense, but I haven't had time to write fiction so I thought I better write non-fiction. I guess I have a journal for that as well.

A World Without Strangers

There's a store I went to in Korea called Giordano. A friend from Australia that I taught with in Seoul had heard of it, but I've never seen this store in Canada before or after. The store had shirts with the saying "A world Without Strangers." We both loved it. I still have a tank top with the saying. It's old and doesn't fit correctly anymore, but I love it. The saying means so much.

I haven't thought about it in a long time. It wasn't until I was trying to think of a title for this entry. I was going to call it 'The Kindness of Strangers'. But that's pretty cliche.

I had a pretty good day at work. It's been busy lately, so I've had a lot to do, and I love it. I love being busy, and feeling like I'm doing something. It slowed down late afternoon.

When 5:00 finally came around, I went to put on my boots. Nice reliable winter boots. Good for walks in snow. When I tried to pull the zipper down so I could get my feet into them, it wouldn't budge. I couldn't get it to move up or down. So I decided to just stuff my foot in -turned out to be the wrong decision because the zipper actually broke.

So I left work all bundled up with one broken zippered boot. Now, although it's not a big deal, I am the type of person that can let that ONE thing in a day full of good things bug the hell out of me. I was mad, and I was upset that I might have to buy new boots, or get the stupid zipper fixed. I was imagining the back of my foot getting a blister because it was rubbing on the back of my boots. In all reality, it was a bit uncomfortable, but not really making it a problem to walk in.

I walk all the way home along a trail next to the river. Every day. I love it. Today of course, I didn't. Hard to love things when you're content on being grumpy. I sometimes have trouble passing people. This is going to sound bad, but I find it awkward to HAVE to smile at them if I happen to catch their eyes. I sometimes just stare straight ahead, or check my phone... or sometimes I smile at them. I passed one person, and ignored the fact that I had (because I was in my grumpy phase). There was somebody coming up behind him though. An lady in her late 40s maybe. Before I had a chance to look away, she gave me a huge (and real) smile. I smiled back. As I passed her, she gestured towards the river and said, "Isn't it beautiful?" I looked. It was beautiful.

Strange how a complete stranger can put things into perspective.

And a little more about the clothes and what their view was on the phrase: "The phrase, “a world without strangers”, implies a world where neither nationalities, class, ethnicity nor gender divide people. It is a utopia that everyone wishes for. For Giordano, this widely held ideal is one of the primary ideas behind its marketing image." From: http://sacom.hk/category/campaigns/giordano

My favourite day of the year

I woke up to lots of snow. Fills me with peace and excitement.

Love it.

And here are some pictures of one of my loves.

Being a writer

It's been a while. Not a long while. I've definitely taken longer breaks between posts. I just really want to keep this up, while I try to do everything else. My poor real life journal, never gets any writing action. It's too bad. I've been writing in that for many years because I take so many breaks from it -it's literally falling apart.

October is now over. We're already into November. The months are going too quickly in my eyes. I feel like I have so much to do, and I'm not really doing anything lately. Actually, my life is truly being taken over by writing (and TV). I write at work, I try to write at home, and I have really become quite an anti-social. I just solved my problem, it's not that time is going to quickly, it's that I'm not doing anything to reach my goals.

It feels like I've picked one focus, and am not dealing with the rest. I'm trying to write a novel, and I hate saying that because if it never happens, everybody I've told will know. I obviously don't tell a lot of people, but I just wrote it in my blog, so it's out there.

Anyway, even though I love that I'm writing, I know there are other things I'm not dealing with. Like the fact that I'm 31 and I still want to somehow get married and have kids someday in my life -which isn't easy when I don't even have any sort of man presence. I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship right now -I'm still healing from the last one, but I'd love to date or go on dates. I want to have some fun, and to smile and laugh. It just isn't going to happen if I don't do anything about it.

Okay, short entry... but I have to go write some fiction (calling it fiction sounds better than the hopeful word 'novel'.)