Friday, February 14, 2014

Last Post

I've stopped writing here. I keep feeling like I should, but the truth is, this was a healing blog of sorts, and then after that it just became an 'anything' blog. I need more structure lately. I need more practise at being a writer.

However, I feel to just simply stop writing in the blog is horrible. So this is my goodbye to my blog. I won't be deleting it. Maybe some day I'll even read it again.

This is where I'm hanging out lately: (still Blogger blogs): This is about my writing, and I'm giving myself monthly 'writing prompts' to follow as well to keep me blogging. This one is all about the gratitude.

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Four things

When I see things like this on other blogs... I can NEVER resist. Plus I'm so bad at writing lately (on the blog), that I think it counts.
Four Jobs I've Had:
1. Bin builder helper -my dad used to build grain bins. I helped. It's probably the most physical job I've ever had and will ever have.
2. Deli Worker at Sobeys -For FOUR DAMN YEARS while going to University
3. Sales Executive at a radio station -didn't work out. Sales is not for me.
4. Creative Writer for a few radio stations.

Four Places I've lived:
1. Saskatchewan (Plenty, MJ, Regina, Saskatoon)
2. Newfoundland (Glovertown)
3. Seoul Korea
4. Alberta (Whitecourt)
Movies I love:
1. Finding Neverland
2. Empire Records
3. Life as a House
4. Reality Bites

Four Favorite Foods:
1. Chocolate (when I allow myself to eat it)
2. Mushrooms
3. Cheese
4. Poutine (I've practically given up this one though)
Four Weird Things About Me:
1. I cry when I'm angry.
2. I love writing, but procrastinate from the thing I love
3. I'm completely unorganized, but somehow have my clothes organized by colour
4. I love being weird.
Four Favorite TV Shows:
1. Gilmore Girls (over)
2. Freaks and Geeks (only one season, and over)
3. How I Met Your Mother
4. Parenthood
Four Places I'd Rather Be:
That's it.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Change of pace... to exercise

I just started watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. I never seem to catch it, and have been without cable since October (by choice). I'm catching up now, but had a thought today. Pinterest is always showing shows you can exercise through... like a drinking game but less fun. I found this for How I Met Your Mother... completely stolen by googling it.

How I Met Your Mother - Workout Game

Barney says ‘legendary’ or ‘suit up’
10 jumping jacks
Anyone says ‘awesome’
20 butt kicks
Someone high-fives
5 burpees
There is a flashback
20 russian twists
Old Ted says ‘kids’
10 squats
Lily makes a sad face
10 lunges
Robin talks about her job
15 crunches
Anyone drinks a beer
5 pushups
Marshall talks in a funny voice or sings
15 crunches
Barney talks to a girl at the bar
5 pushups
Anyone mentions sex
15 crunches
Robin mentions Canada
10 squats
Lily tells a secret or mentions her kids
10 lunges
Someone gets punched or slapped
10 jumping jacks
Anyone calls themself Ted’s best friend
20 butt kicks
Ranjit makes an appearance
5 burpees
Old Ted says ‘how I met your mother’
20 russian twists
Plank during opening and closing theme song

We'll see how it works out. I'm working on weight loss/getting in shape for a trip to Mexico, so this seems like a good solution. (other than the actual exercising and eating healthy I'll also need to do).

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Better Late Than Never...

Well, it's March, and I haven't bothered to post since January. To be perfectly honest, I've been trying to decide if I wanted to continue or not. I'm writing more in my journal, and trying to write as much fiction as I can. However, I came across a list of questions about 2012 (this would have been better to post January 1st), and I thought it would be a nice start to my blog 'comeback'.

So here it goes:

I found this from another blogger, and thought I'd give a '2012 Review' a try.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?                                
I started going to the gym and dieting. I've gone to the gym before (but it's never lasted more than a month), but I've never seriously spent time eating healthier, and cutting out the crap. It's been a lot of on and off.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I made a list of things I wanted to change (resolutions), and some I followed, some I am still working on. Yes -I've already made them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. My friend from Toronto had a baby girl in December. It was very exciting. I'm sure there were others, but that sticks out.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Unless I've started to block out deaths, I don't think so. 2012 was death free. (Although I was still dealing with previous deaths). (And there have already been some this year (2013) unfortunately).

5. What countries did you visit?
None. Sad.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Travel Travel Travel. Money.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory?
Concerts, first date, summer

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Weight loss

9. What was your biggest failure?
Haha... attempt at dodgeball... And the fact that I still have nothing written to attempt publishing.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Colds. That might be it. Lucky year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Actually, I was just thinking about that, strangely enough. My cute polka dotted birki sandals (great for walking), and a good pair of winter boots (also good for walking). I'm sounding a bit materialistic right now... don't really care.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Anybody who looks at things with a smile and gratitude can celebrate.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Nobody I know personally. Too much sadness and evil in the news though.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Debt, life, rent, bills, groceries, wine, shopping and concerts. I believe it's called life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
A song called "I Wish I'd Known" by MacKenzie Porter. She's a new Canadian country singer, and I don't think many have heard the song. It's about wishing you could hold on to things longer, and learning to let go. In her case, it may be about a break up. In my case, it's not.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Happier or sadder:
It honestly depends on the day. I was really sad going into January last year (a bit happier in March), so I guess I'm happier. My heart is lighter.

Thinner or fatter:  Lighter.

Richer or poorer:  I feel like I'm a bit more in control of my earnings.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Travel. Mountains. Lake/Ocean. Laughing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

20. How did you spend Christmas?                                                                                  
2012? In Plenty. With mom, dad and Jodi.

21. What was your favourite month of 2012?
I won't choose favourites. But I really enjoyed August.

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?

You know what? I did. And I'm admitting it out loud. (Mostly because I've already admitted it to him.)

23. How many one-night stands?
Signs of growing older? None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Of things that are still on TV? Parenthood I guess.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone.

26. What was the best book you read?
Thinking back... yikes, read so many. Hunger Games, Game of Thrones (the first one), Life of Pi (once I got into it). More I'm sure because I cannot choose a favourite book. The one that made me think the most was We Need to Talk about Kevin, but it wasn't my favourite. Actually left me with a sick feeling.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I still don't have any talent. I listened to a lot more country music. I still listen to everything else if possible.

28. What did you want and get?
Well? Umm, time spent with friends, a relaxed, no drama (unless I cause it) relationship I'm happy in, more writing, time with friends.

29. What did you want and not get?
Finish some sort of fiction... still working on it. 2013 will be the year.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

The Avengers, The Vow, 21 Jump Street, Five Year Engagement, Perks of Being a Wallflower (didn't watch this one until 2013 though). I feel like I should say Magic Mike... but I really only just liked the stripping bits.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I loved my birthday. Celebrated the weekend before. I went to a country music Cabaret on the Friday with the bf, had dinner, wine and fruit pizza with friends and the bf on the Saturday, and then on Saturday I went to the CCMAs with the bf. On my actual birthday (I turned 32), I worked and went out for supper with the bf.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A new like interest. I wasn't looking for anything serious, but had a lot of fun getting there.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
I had to buy a lot of new clothes because the old clothes were too big... but really, I mostly learned, that I don't like the current fashion statements. I wore a lot of dresses in summer, but it was too cold in winter.

34. What kept you sane?
Haha... Breathing.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Uhh, the sane ones? No idea.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm sure there were some, but I can't think of anything.

37. Who did you miss?
Anybody who wasn't here. I missed Cameron. I missed friends in other places.

38. Who were the best new people you met?
The best new people? Umm, the man I'm currently dating is one of them. I knew my work friends before, but I feel like we became better friends in 2012. I also met my friend Shirin. It started as volunteering to be friends with a newcomer to Canada, but she's a friend.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
Just breath. Gratitude and all that.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This seems like a waste of a last question because I don't have an answer.

So... that's it 2012 in 40 questions. I'll try to remember to do this again next year.


Tuesday, January 01, 2013


I don't think I did this last year. I didn't write them on my blog. I did do resolutions in my journal. The first one was to get out of bed every morning. It was vital to me that I didn't end up the way I was after the miscarriage. And... I succeeded. There were other resolutions - goals - but that was the first one on the list.

So I did them again this year. I've slowly been adding to the list for a couple of days now. I've already written them in my journal, but I want to share them on here as well. Maybe saying I'm going to do something in a place that people may or may  not read will force me to follow through.

These aren't in order of importance, they aren't really in any order at all. Just the way I wrote them in my journal.

  • This year, I will be more social. 
    • This includes seeing my friends more
    • Making new friends.
    • Maybe put my book down at work every once in a while, and mingle with co-workers
    • Basically, stop my anti-social tendencies (Quick, related story, while I had planned to do nothing on New Year's Eve, my landlord (she lives upstairs) invited me up for a get together with her friends... I soooo wanted to be anti-social and stay home and write, but though if I broke this resolution coming into the New Year, it would be a pretty bad sign.)
  • This year I will read more.
    • I can't read when I have the TV on. I can't concentrate. Ironically, I don't really have TV, just shows on DVD. So if I slow down on those (which I've seen more than once), I can spend more time in books. I'm excited about this one. All books.
  •  I'll write more. (a constant resolution/goal). I will stop procrastinating from the thing I love.
    • Write about books I've read
    • Write in my journal
    • Blog
    • Fiction
  • I will save money. No explanation needed. Learning how to budget is pretty much needed.
  • I will continue to eat healthy and exercise
    • No fast food unless it's a road trip
    • Walk and exercise
  • I want to learn new things. Expand myself. I know I can read, and I know I can write. I want to learn about those things I hated in school. Math, history, everything. I know I can do it, I just didn't want to before. 
  • I want to have no regrets. I want to go into 2014 being completely happy with my choices, and completely happy with 2013. I don't want to have a moment where I'm upset with the year. It's not the year, it's me.
  • I'm going to work harder. At everything. Actual work, relationships, writing, life.
  • I resolve to never drink tequila again (unless it's in Baja Rosa). It does me no good. I'm done with my old friend.
  • I'm going to listen more to my friends, and be there for them. 
  • I'm going to talk about how I'm feeling. To people... not just to a blog (passive aggressive and all).
  • Last... I'm going to let go of the past and move on. Live in the present, and let go of any anger, pain or sadness I have.
  • Worry less. Maybe a year without a panic attack.
That's it. That's enough. I've got my work cut out for me.

Until next time. Happy 2013.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Defined by Now

I've been meaning to write this entry for a while. In fact, for so long, that I really feel like I should write out what I want to say first. I have more than one thing I want to talk about, and I'm worried it will end up as it always does, all mixed together with no real start or ending, or point. That being said, I didn't write it down, so looks like I'm going to be consistent at least.

I need to change things up in this blog writing. The reason I started writing it again was for one reason only. I thought miscarriage was a taboo subject, and I wanted to talk about my experience, and make it not taboo. I wanted to share my pain, my depression, my learning, and my growth from my experience. 

It felt good to put it out there, but things changed. It went from a blog about miscarriage to a blog about my past. That's fine. It's my blog, and my life (as the blog title says), but I sometimes forgot to focus on the good, and the healing I was doing. 

I told the story from my miscarriage on, which included a year from hell with death and depression.  I was stuck in the past in my writing, and I don't know that it was doing me any good. I'm sure it was. I have yet to read the past blog entries (mostly because I don't want to go through it again right now, and also because I don't want to catch all the grammatical and spelling errors I know are there).

I tried to be uplifting (at times) and talk about how much better I was. Then I moved to Saskatoon, and things were looking better. Except Cameron and I broke up, and while I was still dealing with that, he was killed, and frankly, I feel like in the past year and a half I've been through a lot. Add the other years that I've been writing about sadness, loss and depression, and you get one depressing blog.

So I'm sorry to everybody who has suffered through this with me. I'm also sorry to myself because I feel like I've done this wrong. Yes I needed to talk about how I was feeling, but I can't DEFINE myself by sadness and loss. I've been through a shit time, and in my opinion, had to deal with more than I think is fair. I'm not the only one. Bad stuff happens all the time, you just need to look at the latest school shooting for proof of that. What those families are going through -worse than anything I could even imagine.

Things happen, and not for a reason. They happen because of choices people make. And it is what I want it to be, or I make it out to be that will be the outcome. And I no longer want to be defined by the crap in my past. I want to look at my present and future. 

More at the present though. I've never really  been very good at that. I feel like too much of my time has been spent feeling sad about the past, reminiscing about the past, or pondering where I'll be in the future. It's a waste of time. I don't know where I'll be in the future. I make choices in a second, and probably won't even feel the same way as I do today then I will in the morning about life. The present however... that's right now, right here. I know there are times in my life that I haven't worried about the past or the future. I think most of those moments were spent traveling, when I knew I would never be there again.

I'll never be here again either. I need to define myself by right now, not by the tragedies of the past (or future). 

In that same mind set, I'm done with anniversaries of the past. I will always remember Cameron. That won't change. I don't need his death anniversary to be sad about losing him. I know when it is, and that's it. If I do decide to do something, hopefully next year it will be writing with no drinking. As I've frequently learned, drinking away pain, mostly gives you added pain in the morning, and the older I get, the more I realize how unhelpful it has been. HOWEVER - the drinking thing is a topic for a whole other day, but believe me, I have some things to say about it.

I'll still be writing, and I'm sure the past and the future will come up, but hopefully in a way that helps me deal with things better, and maybe people can learn from my past. (how not to deal with death...)

Okay. That's it for now. I plan to ring in the New Year writing. I'm sure I'll write a blog entry that night, but it doesn't matter to me what kind of writing, as long as that's what I'm doing somewhere around New Year. I'm going to define myself through my brilliant writing. (Not in the blog... this blog isn't brilliant, it's me, grammatical errors and all.)

Until next time.

Sunday, October 28, 2012


"October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month! Let's take some time to remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. Baby loss is still a taboo subject.  Break the silence. "

Honestly, that's all I'm going to say about it right now. It just feels like I should put this up because the statement I agree with is that it is a taboo subject, and it is good to mention. I didn't change my status though because I hate anything preachy on my status. Even if it's something I care about. Also, I'm pretty sure October is a month for so many different things... I kind of feel like there shouldn't be a month for this, people just shouldn't be scared to talk about their experiences. Including me. Which is why I started this blog to begin with.

This has been THE longest month. I'm exhausted, and I've had a bit of a bad weekend, so I really shouldn't be writing right now. However, the month will be over on Wednesday (thanks goodness), and I promised myself I would write this weekend. It's taken me all day, but here I am -writing. I planned to read and write all weekend, and haven't done either one until now (after midnight on Saturday.) I haven't really done any writing for most of this month though, and I'm feeling pretty guilty about that. I'm also trying to figure out how I've been keeping myself busy. Why wasn't I writing?

The person that I am currently in a long distance relationship with comes back for a visit at the end of November, so I have a feeling November might go pretty slowly as well. I start volunteering next week though (once a week), so hopefully that will help the time go quicker.

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel that I'm very good at long distance relationships, although maybe I'm just not good at relationships in general. I'm not very good at communicating at times. Or ever. Letting things out, isn't easy for me. In life, in my writing, in my fiction. I get things out matter of fact type, but am not good at saying how I'm feeling, or putting emotion in my writing. It's something I need to work on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on the long distance thing, I'm just admitting I am not very good at it. Once again -that's all I'm going to say about the relationship thing. It's part of my life, so I want to mention it, but I don't want to talk too much about it. Especially for the reason already mentioned, if I can't tell him what I'm feeling, I'm not going to tell the world. (Haha... or the two readers I have...)

I was thinking about the miscarriage the other day. It seems so small now. It took me SO long to get over it, but really part of the reason it took me so long was because I didn't deal with it for such a long time. I didn't know how to deal with it, and I didn't understand it. I still don't really understand it, but I have dealt with it (for the most part), and it feels like Cameron's death was harder. Also, I guess I wasn't just dealing with the baby (fetus) loss, but also the death of two grandparents that year.

However, when Cam died, I had learned from my past mistakes of not dealing. I made sure to let people know when I was sad, get counseling, and not be 'fine' if I wasn't. Now, 10 months in, it's still hard. I don't talk about it as much because it is ten months in, but the truth is, I miss him. I wish my friend was around to call and talk to. Things weren't always perfect with us, but that's why we weren't together, and just friends in the end. Maybe I'm sick of talking about it. I feel like all I do lately is whine about missing him, or about missing long distance boyfriend (because I really miss them both -in two completely different ways).

So, that's it for now. I've done my annual Miscarriage Awareness entry.

Hopefully next time, I will have a better and more grateful attitude. :)

OH OH... speaking of the grateful thing. We had our first snow fall last week. I should have written then! So great! My favourite day of the year.