Friday, December 28, 2012

Defined by Now

I've been meaning to write this entry for a while. In fact, for so long, that I really feel like I should write out what I want to say first. I have more than one thing I want to talk about, and I'm worried it will end up as it always does, all mixed together with no real start or ending, or point. That being said, I didn't write it down, so looks like I'm going to be consistent at least.

I need to change things up in this blog writing. The reason I started writing it again was for one reason only. I thought miscarriage was a taboo subject, and I wanted to talk about my experience, and make it not taboo. I wanted to share my pain, my depression, my learning, and my growth from my experience. 

It felt good to put it out there, but things changed. It went from a blog about miscarriage to a blog about my past. That's fine. It's my blog, and my life (as the blog title says), but I sometimes forgot to focus on the good, and the healing I was doing. 

I told the story from my miscarriage on, which included a year from hell with death and depression.  I was stuck in the past in my writing, and I don't know that it was doing me any good. I'm sure it was. I have yet to read the past blog entries (mostly because I don't want to go through it again right now, and also because I don't want to catch all the grammatical and spelling errors I know are there).

I tried to be uplifting (at times) and talk about how much better I was. Then I moved to Saskatoon, and things were looking better. Except Cameron and I broke up, and while I was still dealing with that, he was killed, and frankly, I feel like in the past year and a half I've been through a lot. Add the other years that I've been writing about sadness, loss and depression, and you get one depressing blog.

So I'm sorry to everybody who has suffered through this with me. I'm also sorry to myself because I feel like I've done this wrong. Yes I needed to talk about how I was feeling, but I can't DEFINE myself by sadness and loss. I've been through a shit time, and in my opinion, had to deal with more than I think is fair. I'm not the only one. Bad stuff happens all the time, you just need to look at the latest school shooting for proof of that. What those families are going through -worse than anything I could even imagine.

Things happen, and not for a reason. They happen because of choices people make. And it is what I want it to be, or I make it out to be that will be the outcome. And I no longer want to be defined by the crap in my past. I want to look at my present and future. 

More at the present though. I've never really  been very good at that. I feel like too much of my time has been spent feeling sad about the past, reminiscing about the past, or pondering where I'll be in the future. It's a waste of time. I don't know where I'll be in the future. I make choices in a second, and probably won't even feel the same way as I do today then I will in the morning about life. The present however... that's right now, right here. I know there are times in my life that I haven't worried about the past or the future. I think most of those moments were spent traveling, when I knew I would never be there again.

I'll never be here again either. I need to define myself by right now, not by the tragedies of the past (or future). 

In that same mind set, I'm done with anniversaries of the past. I will always remember Cameron. That won't change. I don't need his death anniversary to be sad about losing him. I know when it is, and that's it. If I do decide to do something, hopefully next year it will be writing with no drinking. As I've frequently learned, drinking away pain, mostly gives you added pain in the morning, and the older I get, the more I realize how unhelpful it has been. HOWEVER - the drinking thing is a topic for a whole other day, but believe me, I have some things to say about it.

I'll still be writing, and I'm sure the past and the future will come up, but hopefully in a way that helps me deal with things better, and maybe people can learn from my past. (how not to deal with death...)

Okay. That's it for now. I plan to ring in the New Year writing. I'm sure I'll write a blog entry that night, but it doesn't matter to me what kind of writing, as long as that's what I'm doing somewhere around New Year. I'm going to define myself through my brilliant writing. (Not in the blog... this blog isn't brilliant, it's me, grammatical errors and all.)

Until next time.

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