A lot has been going on lately. And I'm actually feeling pretty stressed out about it, and pretty nervous about life.
However, that's not what I want to write about. I want to write about my writing. Mostly fiction. I love writing. I have no problem writing here or in my journal, but for some reason I'm not so good at working on my novel. Once I start, the words are there, but it's the starting I'm terrible at.
I had a thought today. What if it's because I'm scared of failure. I mean, I've wanted to be a writer for most of my life (from about 8 years old). The older I get, the farther away it feels I'm getting from being a published writer. Other than short stories, I haven't been able to write it. It's FOR lack of trying. I focused on the short stories most of my early adulthood, and then I stopped writing for a while, and when I restarted it was non-fiction... and this blog.
Why aren't I writing? Why aren't I deciding my future by working and finishing the novel I've been talking about writing for years? Possible fear of failure? I mean... once I write it, that's awesome. However there's a difference between writing a novel, and writing a novel that gets read or published. I can't see myself announcing to the world, "I wrote a book!" but not being able to publish it. Writing is the one thing I love doing, and the one thing I know I can do. (ignoring the not so good grammar/spelling mistakes). Maybe the novel has taken this long because I'm afraid I'm not good ENOUGH.
Terrible thoughts right? I have made an effort most of my life to not think like that. To be positive about my future, and where I'll go, and where I'll end up. I do things usually with one goal, not to quit. I don't always try new things, but I try as many things as I can. When I do try them, I do my best and I hate when I give up. I still regret my failed bungee jumping experience. (failed as in, I didn't do it). I look back at that moment and it's a failure in my eyes. That's not saying I'll try it again, it's just saying, I should have taken advantage of the opportunity to do something unforgettable.
I've had certain people in my life at times say they're not surprised that I didn't do it (or they are surprised I've done other 'risky'/'scary' things). Those people bother me, but I guess I have nobody to blame for their impressions but myself. I mean... I think I do put on the appearance that I'm scared of life. The thing they don't realise is that being scared of life doesn't mean you don't live it... it just means you fight through the fear.
Look at that... I just figured out how to solve my problem. Yeah, I'm scared of failing at writing, I just have to fight through the fear.
Problem solved. I'll let you know when I finish writing it, and when it's published.