Saturday, January 15, 2011

For Velma McCrea

I've waited a long time to write this one. I think it's hard for me because I am still so emotionally attached to my grandma. I've written about my miscarriage more than once. I wrote about it just a week after it happened in hopes of getting it all out, and also in this blog. It seems like I've somewhat desensitized myself. I still get upset when I think about certain things, but I'm able to tell people the story of my miscarriage without getting overly upset. Emotionless I guess... even though it wasn't.

I don't know that I can tell the story about my grandma's death without tears. Here or in person. I cried a lot while writing about my miscarriage on here, and it will be no different this time. I've already written about it a bit, so it won't be as long, but I was just as heart broken if not more so, but in a completely different way.

Losing a grandparent is hard. I'm sure it is for everybody. Even though I knew it was coming, it didn't stop the pain. At that point, I thought I was over the miscarriage, which meant I could focus completely on my new grief. I was wrong about being over the miscarriage, but it helped me deal with her death at the time. It also, unfortunately, made it easier. I had blocked my heart from pain. I didn't deal with it in the way I should have.

I'm going to write about her death, but I'm going to try to write about her life as well. Even as I write about her, I know that I can't make clear how great of a woman she was. She was loved by so many. Not just family, but everybody she met. She was loving, had a great sense of humour, she let her opinion be known, she was accepting of others, and was a big environmentalist. There are so many more things.

When I was 15 or 16, I got it into my head that I wanted an eyebrow ring. My family wasn't that excited about it, but grandma paid for it for me. She didn't care about the change it would make on me, she wanted me to do it safely. I think that was the summer I lived with her. It was a great summer. She worried a lot because she was concerned I was homesick. I didn't talk much. I guess I still don't at times. I just enjoyed spending time with her. I liked listening to her talk. I liked spending time with her, talking or no talking.

Grandma watched soaps. Something that she's passed down (if that's possible). After I was older, and living on my own, she still made sure to let me know what was going on with The Young and the Restless. Even though I didn't watch the show, she still told me about it. I find myself watching it now, specifically for grandma. I imagine talking to her about what is happening with the characters.

I imagine talking to her about many things. Sometimes I tear up (or cry) because there are so many things I want to catch her up on. I want to tell her how great my friends have turned out because she knew them as teenagers, and would love to know how much they've grown in life, and how great they've become. (They have.)

My grandma died in April of 2009. Four months after my miscarriage, I lost a woman that I looked up to more than anybody. A woman who raised a family on her own after her husband passed away (when my father was 10, and my aunt was just a baby -with two aunts older than my dad). She did so much in her life, and made so many wonderful choices to make her life and the world a better place.

I found out she died through facebook. Every time I think about that, I wonder why I'm still on it. I understand the concept of getting your grief out through facebook statuses. I also understand that waiting until everybody has heard the news is appropriate. My cousin's step-daughter (who was around 15 at that point), wrote a status that said "RIP Great Grandma." I knew who it was about.

I called my mom, and without waiting for her to tell me, I asked if it was true. She couldn't believe I found out the way I did. She had just heard, and was planning to call my sister and I.

I was all alone sitting in my condo when I found out. Cameron was at work, and at that point I must have been between roommates. My sister called me, and without talking we just cried. It was a loss we were all expecting, but weren't ready for at all.

My family had seen her before she died, and it was hard for them. She was in a different time in her life in her head. I didn't see it. I've already spoken about the last time I saw her, and I'm happy I got the chance to see her when I did.

Earlier that night, I had received an email from a friend living in South Africa. I taught with him in South Korea, and kept in contact through letters and email. He had just lost his father. He was with his dad while he was sick, and the email was just letting people know how it happened. I felt so bad for him. That's a loss I will never be ready for. It was shocking to find out my grandma had died just hours later after I read his email.

Once again, my friends and family were there. I called my friend Karen, who knew and loved my grandmother, and also lost her grandma a couple of years ago. She was sleeping when I called, but took the time to talk to me, and tell me how sorry she was. Cameron called me as soon as he received my email. As always, Nehal was the first person I told, and spoke to. My rocks.

I think that's all for tonight. My computer just played a mean joke on me, telling me it was closing the program. Luckily this saves things every three seconds.

So I will quickly do a crap edit, and than publish. Will write again soon (I hope).

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