Monday, March 28, 2011

Dance like nobody is watching

It's been a long time. I've cheated, and been doing a book blog as well. That way I feel like I'm still sharing, but it's a bit easier. I'm not really going to be writing about anything today. Just my feelings and thoughts I guess. Stuff about me. I'm good at talking about myself, but what I've been noticing lately is that I've never really been good at showing real emotion, and talking about things that are affecting me. I can tell you my what my favourite colours are, which movie makes me cry every time I see it, or the book that I can read a thousand times. I can tell you what I wanted to be when I grew up, or what I do now. All of this information will help you to know me better, but that's the easy stuff to get out. I love telling people what I love, but I'm not so good at getting my opinion out there, and talking about things that are truly important. I guess that's why this blog has started. I'm trying to get out of my 'shy'mode. I don't want to be embarrassed about my life, and about what I'm bad at. I want to tell you what I'm bad at, and let it be done with. I want to tell you about my bad day, and explain why things are frustrating me. I want to admit to the world that I do struggle with depression because it's something SO many people deal with. There are things on this blog that I'll share here, but not on facebook. I've never made it public that I was pregnant or had a miscarriage. People knew, I just never let all of my facebook friends know. Because let's admit it... most of my those people are people who I was once friends with, but would have lost touch with if not for facebook. It's so much easier writing it down than saying it out loud, but healing either way.

I don't want to talk about two years ago in today's blog. I may or may not get back to it. I probably will because nobody likes an unfinished story. My goal was to start from my pregnancy, and each blog would be about the last couple of years, gradually leading up to my life now. Unfortunately, I do not write as much as I should, so if I make that my goal, and never write about my life today, I may never get to the present. And it's pretty important to live in the present. (as well as remember what got you to the present).

The problem with not writing about something specific is the fact that I lost focus. I don't have a reason to write, I'm just writing.

I write in a journal as well, but less and less. I want to go back to journal writing, and with my new open life, it won't be 'private' things in my journal that I don't want the world to know. I'll just write in it when I feel like writing but not publishing. That will help with my newest goal. I'm going to write AT LEAST twice a week. In my journal, my book blog, this blog, or a letter to somebody. I'm also planning to write and send out more mail and cards. Mail makes people happy when it isn't bills, and I want to make my world happy. When my grandma was sick, and I couldn't get to Moose Jaw to visit, I wrote her a card and sent a whole bunch of them. I can't remember if I was going for one a week, or one a day, but it made me feel good to know that I could reach out in my own way.

The reason I haven't been writing as often on this blog or in my journal is simple. I'm feeling happy. I never really feel like writing and making myself sad when I'm not sad. Which is why I'm not talking about the past. I'm sharing my happiness with everyone. Things are going well. Cameron continues to make me happy, I have a whole lifetime of adventures to look forward to, and I feel like I'm slowly gaining just a little bit of my independence back. I lost A LOT of it in the last few years, which is sad because that is something I was most proud of about myself. My job isn't perfect, but I'm slowly realizing, that it's not about what my job is, it's about who I am.

Here is the last thing I have to say before I get to work (house cleaning and organizing): I'm always coming up with new goals for myself... always always always... sometimes they are the same because I haven't yet reached my full potential, but here is a new one: I'm going to dance and sing once a day. Whether I'm alone or in front of people, just letting loose for five minutes is such a great thing. I'm a TERRIBLE dancer, and TERRIBLE singer, but I've stopped caring. When I go out dancing (which isn't very often), I dance like nobody is watching because if I were to think about people watching, and care what they're looking at, I probably wouldn't dance at all. (I haven't in the past). I don't play my music enough, and it is such a great reminder of the past when I do turn it on.


Anonymous said...

Here is an interesting question someone asked in an article I was reading in class this week. It said to ask your clients if it is more important to understand the past and the reasons behind your distress and to still experience distress or would it be fine to not understand it but put it behind you. So, I guess introspection is overrated- although I don't really like saying that to people.

Erin said...

I guess if you have to go through it, you may as well learn from it, and find out why it was so distressful. Although... moving on always sounds like a wonderful option, I've never been able to move on until I understand what I've been through. (not why... because there is no answer to the why).