Sunday, October 17, 2010

Baby Loss Awareness Entry Two

I know the title is not creative at all, but it's all I could think of. If I were to title them, the first would be "The Father" (maybe), this one would be titled "The Pregnancy"

The Pregnancy

I may repeat a few things in this one, but I'm planning to not speak about the father at all. He had no part other than what was already written.

I had a doctor's appointment in November of 2008. I think it was the end of November (maybe the start of December). I went because I wanted birth control. I was pregnant during the appointment. The doctor didn't catch it. I knew I was late so when I went to the pharmacy, I bought both birth control and a pregnancy test.

I only told one friend that I was considering taking it. She lives in Toronto, so I texted her while buying it, asking if she thought it was strange that I bought both at once. We both joked, I believe. Even though I was buying the pregnancy test, I didn't really believe the result would be positive.

Early in the morning, I went into the washroom and peed on a stick. As soon as I saw the result, I texted my friend. "I'm pregnant!" She asked if I was sure, and I was. I had bought the expensive test that says 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. My friend found out before I left the washroom that morning. It's pretty easy to tell somebody through texting.

The result was shocking. I didn't know what to do, or who to tell. So I went to work. I was sitting in my office which I shared with a coworker. She must have sensed something because even though people were in and out of the room, I received a blackberry message from her asking if I was okay. So, once again, I told somebody the news by texting it. She hugged me and told me how happy she was about it, and I cried. It may have been the first time I cried -but NOT the last. One of the announcers came in while I was crying, but we didn't explain.

The day was a blur. I was in sales at a radio station, but I am pretty sure I didn't make any calls that day. I had an event to go to that day for a remote. The sales manager called me into his office, and explained how we were having phone problems, but it wouldn't ruin the remote. Then he asked me if that's why I was crying earlier. It was funny to imagine crying over something so small when I was going through something so big. I tried not to tell him, but he kept guessing what I was upset about, and it just came out. He was a good boss, and I felt at many times that I could go into the office to talk about anything.

I remember so much even though it was quite a long time ago. Strange how it all still sticks in my mind like it was yesterday. Although I seriously remember most of the conversation, it's not all important. He was happy for me, and scared for me. Also, he said he was happy that I was talking about keeping it. That surprised me because I didn't consider abortion.

I need to say this before I go on. Just because I didn't have an abortion does not mean I'm pro-life. I think the decision to have an abortion is a horrible decision for somebody to make. I don't judge. I can only imagine, that if I had made that decision, I'd need as much support as I could.

However, the thought did not even cross my mind. I knew I was going to have the baby, and I knew I would raise it alone. My boss also pointed out I was already touching (holding) my belly. I hadn't noticed that.

One other thing I remember about my conversation with him, and this actually came later in the day, but it's the most important thing that he said to me. "I don't want to worry you, but my wife had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy." To some, that may seem mean, but to me, I found it respectful and honest. It's a realistic thought, and it's something anybody needs to consider. Especially in their first trimester. I am realistic about life, but I also had lived a life with no tragedy, and was in the 'it won't happen to me' stage of my life. I won't be in that stage again.

I knew in my head I shouldn't tell anyone because of the obvious. (and what the whole story is leading to). I told people. I've never been one for secrets. I love to talk, and I hate holding things in. Once again, I've learned my lesson.

I called my best friend in Saskatoon at lunch that day. I told her, and she was so excited. I remember her talking about my boyfriend, and imagining our family together, but also we both knew it wasn't going to happen. Shortly after finding out, she bought a ticket to fly up and see me.

While writing this, I have teared up more than once. Not important to the story, but maybe it will give an idea of who I am. She knew I needed somebody, and she came. I can't ask for anything more than that. Her role only gets bigger in this story. She wasn't coming until the middle of December.

By the end of the first night, I had basically told my everybody I work with, and two friends. That's a lot of people. The next day I told my sister and my soon to be ex boyfriend. I won't repeat that story.

The only people left to tell were my parents. It took me a week. In fact, I spoke to my mom once and didn't tell her.

When I finally called her, it was the day of my staff Christmas Party. Possibly my first party that I would be not drinking at. I stood in my kitchen and told her. She was obviously in shock, but did say she thought something was going in on from our last conversation. Accidentally pregnant at 28 and afraid to tell her parents... My parents have wanted to be grandparents for a VERY long time, so even though they were surprised, they were happy. After I got off the phone with them, I began getting ready for the party. My mom phoned back, and had obviously gotten over the shock. She asked if she could tell people. I said yes, especially considering how many people I had already told. I figured a few more wouldn't make a difference. My mom and I were in the 'safe bubble'. We weren't yet used to bad things happening -or tragedy, as I already said.

My mom told her father, and my dad told his mother. (my grandparents). Their reactions were similar, 'That's Erin.' I thought this was kind of a sad reaction. Only because it seems to me somebody who gets pregnant accidentally is a bit of a screw up. It made me feel like they felt that way about me. They weren't surprised. I think I read too much into it.

There was a certain moment, and I can remember it so clearly. I was driving home from Wing Wednesday  when I felt calm. I felt it settle over me. That's when I knew, it was okay. I knew I could be a mom, and I was prepared to do it alone. I guess I was at peace with my situation, and it felt good.

I guess there are moments of the pregnancy I don't remember. I'll skip to when my friend came to visit. Denise came to visit. (I don't want to have a lot of names in this, but those who know me, know Denise anyway).

Back story time: This is pretty important to everything. When I moved to Whitecourt, Denise knew somebody who also lived here. Her coworker, had a son living in Whitecourt. She had given me his phone number. It wasn't really a set up, but it sort of was. She wanted me to be able to meet people here, and he was a cute guy who lived in the same town. Strange how with one phone call, I could have met him, and it would have been so easy. Instead, I went through all the work of setting up an online profile, and meeting a stranger.  So, long story short, I didn't call him.

That's the back story. She decided when she came to visit to call him. Actually, her exact words were, 'If you haven't heard from the father, I'm calling Cameron!'.  I'm letting his name slip into the story as well -because he's in it.

She called him, and we all met up for supper. I liked him instantly, but didn't really believe that it would come to anything. I probably wished it would, but could have settle for his friendship. He was charismatic, and funny. He was nice. He also already knew I was pregnant. Denise had already told his mom, and she had passed along the news.

He came with us to Edmonton the next day to drop Denise off at the airport. I was upset for most of the drive, and cried at the mall. It was so nice having somebody there who knew me, and loved me. It's another moment that stands out because Cam saw me crying, and said, "You guys are best friends, aren't you?" I don't even think that's important, and if I were to try to get this published, I'd edit it out. It just seemed like such a simple statement that said SO much. I didn't want my best friend to go.

We talked a lot on the way home. Talked and listened to music. It was nice and it was comfortable. I found him easy to talk to, and comfortable to be with.

When I dropped him off at his house, he offered his friendship. I happily accepted. We were each heading home for Christmas, so wouldn't meet up again until the New Year.

Christmas and New Year were pretty quiet. I got baby gifts already. Just little things. I still have some of them, in my baby box downstairs.

I came home and got back to work. Cameron called me, and we made plans to go to Edmonton together so he could drop off a rental car, and come back with me. We hung out, and shopped, and got to know each other.

When we got home, we decided to go to visit my friends the next day in a town about three hours away. I liked that he wanted to do these spur of the moment things with me. This has nothing to do with the pregnancy, but everything to do with a relationship that we were about to begin. We began it. We skipped the dating part though, and went straight to being in a relationship. We moved too quickly -more quickly than I've ever moved.

He had no idea, but he was about to stick through the hardest part of my life.

Which ends this blog entry. The hardest part is yet to come. I'm hoping to write it tomorrow, but I end up staying up later and later every night, so we'll see how I feel. There should only be one more part, and it's obvious what it is. (Won't stop me from sharing).

By the way, as with the other entry (and most of them), I've read through it once to edit and find grammar mistakes. That doesn't mean I've found them all. It's almost 2 in the morning, and I have a habit of rushing.

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