Sunday, October 17, 2010

Baby Loss Awareness Entry Three

The title for this would be: The End of my Pregnancy -only because I don't think calling it the miscarriage is appropriate. Maybe just The End. I think I'll leave it untitled for now.


I started dating Cameron at the beginning of January. I may have said middle in the last entry. Sad, that I can't remember our anniversary.

The nice thing about meeting a guy from Saskatchewan was we could go home together.

We had planned a quick weekend trip to Saskatoon at the end of the month. It wasn't really a trip to meet one another's friends or family. Cam had a meeting to attend, and I had plans to go to Moose Jaw for the day to visit with my grandmother. My grandma was waiting for results to see if she had cancer. She wasn't doing well, and I really just wanted to see her.

The day before we left, I was just home from work when I noticed the bleeding. It wasn't excessive bleeding, I just noticed a bit when I went to the washroom. Believe me, I had read enough baby books (What to do When You're Expecting), to know that bleeding happens. It still scared me. I was in my 11th week. So close to the second trimester. I sat at home and worried, I phoned the hospital to ask what they thought, and the nurse said it probably wasn't anything to worry about, but I could come in and see a doctor if I wanted. I waited for Cameron to get home and phone me, and then asked if he could go with me. He did, and the doctor saw me. He didn't do anything as far as I remember. He just said that many woman bleed, but if it got worse, be sure to come in.

Cam and I left for Saskatoon the next night. I was still bleeding, and still concerned.

It's all still fresh in my mind. I want to write this, and I want to share my experience, but I'm crying while typing. Not just tearing up but crying.

It's about six hours to get to Saskatoon. It was a long and stressful drive (not the last long and stressful drive the two of us have had together). It was late when we got there, and we went to Denise and her husband's house for dinner. Denise showed me the blanket she was making for my baby. I cried, and told her what was going on. Denise is such an optimist, and she didn't want me to worry. She was sure it would all be okay.

Cam stayed the night at their house with me (even though he owns a house in Saskatoon). I was feeling unsure with the situation. I didn't know if he wanted me to stay at his place, or what he was thinking, so I just decided I'd stay at Denise's and he could make his own decision. The next morning, he left to go to his meeting, and Denise and I left to pick up my sister and head to Moose Jaw. I texted him a couple of times during the drive, but his phone had died. He stopped answering. I was still bleeding that morning. I was watching the colour because that's something you're supposed to watch. Colour and clots. It's so straight forward, and that's really how I was dealing with it.

We arrived in Moose Jaw, and Denise and I dropped my sister off at my grandma's, and then went for lunch with Karen (another best friend). Karen gave me my late Christmas present -maternity clothes. Even with my worries, it was a great lunch. I told Karen what was going on, and what my fears were. The three of us talked about everything, and I was able to tell them all of my thoughts. They are two wonderful and supportive friends. (since that moment, Karen has not only started an adoption of the cutest 2 year old ever, but she has a five month old baby boy as well).

Denise dropped me off at my Grandma's house. As I was about to go in, my mom and sister came out. They were running to the store to pick something up. I hugged my mom, and told her what was going on, and told her I was scared. I cried. She comforted me, and then I went in to see my grandma.

This is my Grandma McCrea. She's my dad's mother. She had three girls and my dad. My grandfather died when my dad was 10. I never knew him as my grandfather. Everybody loves my grandmother. She was brave, and straight forward, and funny. She was a person I aspired to be. It was breaking my heart, and the rest of my family's hearts that she was sick.

She was still grandma. I couldn't yet tell how sick she was. My aunts were very worried about her. They made her go lie down while I was there saying, "Don't worry, Erin will lie next to you!" So I did. We talked about my pregnancy, and about Cameron, and about her cancer. She was sure she didn't have cancer. We also sat in silence. It was a nice visit, and makes me so sad to say that it was the last time I ever saw her. So much was going on, and I wish so much that I had spent more time with her. We left before supper. It didn't even cross my mind when I left, that I'd never see her again. I guess I could only take one reality at a time.

Before I left, my mom gave me a present. She had bought baby clothes while out with my sister. She hugged me, and said, "This baby will be okay, and so will you." I wish she had been right. I'll never forget those words. I will also always think of them with tears in my eyes.

We drove back to Saskatoon. I think mostly in silence. I knew the bleeding was getting worse, and was concerned. The weather was bad, and I still hadn't heard from Cameron. I did get a text from the father, asking if we should meet up to talk. I told him I was in Saskatoon. Also -according to facebook he had been back for a couple of days... so I didn't care about making him wait longer. Also wasn't ready to tell him I'd already called a lawyer.

When we got back to Denise's house, I told her the bleeding wasn't getting any better, and she encouraged me to call the health line. (I'm a HUGE fan of the health line). They -in turn- encouraged me to go to a hospital. Denise drove me to the emergency room. By the way -the emergency room, on a Saturday night -CRAZY. Busy and full of crazy people. We had a lot of distractions at least. We were in the emergency room until 3 in the morning. I had one doctor look at me, and then we waited for an ultrasound. This is a University hospital, so while the staff is great and professional, they're also young and new. The doctor that came in to do my ultrasound looked in silence, and hummed and hawed. Then he told me, he didn't see anything. He was concerned about that, and told me I'd have to come back in the morning for a 'real' ultrasound tech to take a look. We got home late ( early), and I waited for a call in the morning for them to tell me to come back.

I probably slept, but not for very long. I got the call in the morning to come in, and Denise and I went straight back. I finally called Cam, and told him where I was. It was a message though because his phone was still dead. He had no idea. While we were waiting for the ultrasound (MORE waiting), Denise spoke to Cam's mom, and she went to his house with his phone charger. He called and spoke to me, and said he'd meet us at the hospital. By the time he got there, we were back in the regular waiting room waiting for a doctor to tell me the results. Ultrasound techs have very good poker faces, and don't give away anything. Cam came in, and put his arms around me. He was a rock already.

How lucky was I to be in that hospital with my two rocks. Denise was there for me through everything, and I can never repay her, and can only hope that I can be as good of a friend as she is to me. Cameron supported me and was honest with me, and was willing to help me through the pain of losing a baby that wasn't his.

We finally got taken into a room (the bad news room), and a new young doctor came in to speak to us. He was probably the most unprofessional of all of them. Cam and I sat together, and Denise sat in a chair. He told me I was miscarrying, and there were no longer babies -that's right, he thought it was twins. It felt like he was speaking to and staring at Cam the whole time. He obviously assumed Cam was the father, but either way, I felt like he should be a bit more concerned about the person who was losing her baby. Denise had the most obvious reaction. She cried openly (to the point that the doctor stopped speaking and asked if she was okay). Here's something else he said that I'll never forget. As he walked out of the room he mentioned getting his girlfriend pregnant, and now they have a kid and are getting married. I'm not sure if that was supposed to give me hope. He also told us that 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. (that includes heavy bleeding that could be confused with having a period). It shocked me. It doesn't now.

As we left the hospital, Cam went to get the car, and Denise said to me, "To me, I'm sad because it was your baby, but I can understand if you and Cameron have different feelings about it." She was right. She would be the babies aunty no matter what, but Cam and I would have had to figure out how to deal with me having a baby by another father. We would have dealt with it, but it was no longer an issue.

At that point, I was just exhausted and sad. I was also confused. This is going to sound bad, but it felt like I lost something I never had. It was growing in my tummy for such a small amount of time, that I didn't even notice any differences in my body. I knew the baby was there, and I loved her or him, but I was still a bit disconnected then.

Actually, I had already started a journal for the baby. I think I still have that as well. I glued in a picture of the pregnancy test, and a picture of me the first day I found out. I wrote letters to her or him. I guess I wasn't as disconnected as I thought. I just remembered that.

We drove home to Whitecourt that day. On the way home, I called everyone. Called or texted. I had to tell people then, and get it over with. My mom cried. She was as upset, if not more upset than me. (Kind of like how Denise felt, I guess). It was my close friends and family I told. I also texted the father to tell him I had lost it. He replied back asking how I was, and I didn't answer. That was the end.

I've mentioned my sister in passing, but she's important to the story as well. Jodi and I email every single day, catching up on important things, or talking about things that aren't so important (General Hospital), so through the whole thing, I had her support, her love, and her excitement for me to be a mom, and for her to be an aunt. I also had her sympathy, and knew she would be there when I needed.

The biggest thing about the whole situation, was I had never been a maternal kind of girl. I don't relate to kids, and am a bit scared of babies. I never knew if I wanted to me a mom. Now, I do. I want to be a mom. (I've also gotten over the fear of holding babies).

I didn't go to work that week, but I heard and received emails from coworkers and friends. Here is the statement that isn't needed when somebody is going through a tragedy. "Everything Happens for a Reason." I'm sure if I wanted to find a meaning right then, I would have, but it didn't help. It just frustrated me. Looking back, I find meaning, but it wasn't important to know at that point. That's also when I found out how many others had lost a baby. It was a shared experience.

You'd think this would be the end of the story. Apparently, the miscarriage wasn't over. The doctor had told me if the cramps or bleeding got worse to go to the hospital. I assumed if that were to happen, it would be sooner than later. It was a week later. I was sitting at home, in pain when I finally asked my friend Brittany to drive me to the emergency room. It was to the point that I didn't feel comfortable driving myself.

The actual miscarrying was the worst pain I've been through. I didn't know it would be like that. I don't need to get into it, but thank goodness for pain killers. I was in the hospital for the weekend, and when I left, there was nothing left. I was no longer pregnant. It was two weeks of misery and two weeks of losing the babies.

The physical pain was over. I had to deal with the emotional pain after that. This is enough for tonight though. I have cried a lot. Luckily, I'm drinking a glass of wine, and watching Friends on DVD so I can look up and laugh when I need to.

If anybody is reading this, thanks. Okay, going to do a quick edit, and then pressing publish post again.

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