I just found a wonderful quote from Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery. I'll write it, and then go on to the normal stuff... life.
"But Anne, a broken heart in real life isn't as dreadful as it is in books. It's a good deal like a bad tooth...though you won't think that a very romantic simile. It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy as if there were nothing the matter with it."
I just found it interesting. I could probably quote L.M. Montgomery all day long. She's brilliant.
Will write more later.
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
So much to say...
It will have to wait until another day though.
I've just run out of time. Just know... I've been meaning to write.
I've just run out of time. Just know... I've been meaning to write.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Important things people say
I've been trying to write down things people are saying to me lately that stick with me, or things I hear. Not things on the Internet: Facebook or Pinterest. As well meaning and nice as some of those are, I can just repin it and be done with it. This is real people saying things that inspire me or ring true. I just have to remember them now so I can share them. I have three for today. They all have stories as to how I heard them, but the stories aren't as important.
Before I write anymore, I'll just apologize for the bad sentence structure/grammar. I've been getting up early to go to the gym, and haven't quite gotten used to morning yet. I have no excuse for all the other entries with the same problem. Other than, it's my blog, I'll mistake if I want to (like the song). Also, this may take the whole morning to write, as I'm at work, and I'm actually pretty busy. Unfortunately, it's when I'm busy, that I get the urge to write about random quotes/things.
I think I'll start from the most recent and go backwards. This one came from a 4-6 year old (I have no idea how to tell the age of kids). I was at the park with my friends and their kids. (because it would be pretty weird if I was there alone.) We were playing around, as there were not a whole lot of other people there. There was monkey bars, and some other strange spinning monkey bars. They were a circle, you grab on, spin to the next one, and grab on to it... repeat repeat. I decided to try it. (even though, I can touch the ground... barely). This little boy came over to help me out. (I didn't know him). He told me how it worked, and I got ready to go. Then I asked him, "What happens if I fall?" I was expecting him to tell me it would be okay because I was landing on wood chips, and it wouldn't hurt. Instead he said, "Then you try again." I realise this analogy isn't exactly new. We've all heard it ... 'try try again'. For some reason it means more when it comes from a kid. They don't really know fear, and if they do, they shouldn't. All I'm saying, is if you need advice... go to a five year old. They'll tell you the honest truth, and won't stop to care what you've been through or why you're afraid. I feel like even though the actual task has nothing to do with the advice I got, I should share how I did... I have no upper arm strength. Lesson learned. I did make it all the way across, just had a bit of trouble with my landing.
The second bit of advice/thing that stuck with me came from a 31 year old man. I'm getting advice from children to adults. This particular advice has a story, but I'm not really going into it. Suffice to say (suffice it to say?), there was something I wanted, and wouldn't ask for it. Finally when I did, he commented and said, "Don't be shy. If you want something, take it." It's just interesting how that simplified everything. I hate asking for help, I hate asking for things, and I am much better at waiting and hoping than actually doing. Maybe it's the year for more doing, and less hoping. I'm glad that we had the conversation. He seems to know me well enough to suggest that I get over my shyness. (Or, get over myself). Anyway, that one is short and to the point.
The next one wasn't something somebody said to me. I have a friend who did a documentary about a hockey player killed in a head on collision. Obviously, car accident deaths strike a bit of a nerve (I can't even watch them on television). While speaking to one of the hockey player on the team, the player said, "Tough to have a bad day when you have a team-mate who can't play anymore." (I'm para-phrasing). Perspective from a teenager -or young adult (not sure again). I wrote that one down and put it on my desk. I've had too many bad days, when I should be having good days. All it takes is a bit of an attitude adjustment.
So... get up and try again, take what I want, and stop having bad days. Recipe to life? I think so.
E
Before I write anymore, I'll just apologize for the bad sentence structure/grammar. I've been getting up early to go to the gym, and haven't quite gotten used to morning yet. I have no excuse for all the other entries with the same problem. Other than, it's my blog, I'll mistake if I want to (like the song). Also, this may take the whole morning to write, as I'm at work, and I'm actually pretty busy. Unfortunately, it's when I'm busy, that I get the urge to write about random quotes/things.
I think I'll start from the most recent and go backwards. This one came from a 4-6 year old (I have no idea how to tell the age of kids). I was at the park with my friends and their kids. (because it would be pretty weird if I was there alone.) We were playing around, as there were not a whole lot of other people there. There was monkey bars, and some other strange spinning monkey bars. They were a circle, you grab on, spin to the next one, and grab on to it... repeat repeat. I decided to try it. (even though, I can touch the ground... barely). This little boy came over to help me out. (I didn't know him). He told me how it worked, and I got ready to go. Then I asked him, "What happens if I fall?" I was expecting him to tell me it would be okay because I was landing on wood chips, and it wouldn't hurt. Instead he said, "Then you try again." I realise this analogy isn't exactly new. We've all heard it ... 'try try again'. For some reason it means more when it comes from a kid. They don't really know fear, and if they do, they shouldn't. All I'm saying, is if you need advice... go to a five year old. They'll tell you the honest truth, and won't stop to care what you've been through or why you're afraid. I feel like even though the actual task has nothing to do with the advice I got, I should share how I did... I have no upper arm strength. Lesson learned. I did make it all the way across, just had a bit of trouble with my landing.
The second bit of advice/thing that stuck with me came from a 31 year old man. I'm getting advice from children to adults. This particular advice has a story, but I'm not really going into it. Suffice to say (suffice it to say?), there was something I wanted, and wouldn't ask for it. Finally when I did, he commented and said, "Don't be shy. If you want something, take it." It's just interesting how that simplified everything. I hate asking for help, I hate asking for things, and I am much better at waiting and hoping than actually doing. Maybe it's the year for more doing, and less hoping. I'm glad that we had the conversation. He seems to know me well enough to suggest that I get over my shyness. (Or, get over myself). Anyway, that one is short and to the point.
The next one wasn't something somebody said to me. I have a friend who did a documentary about a hockey player killed in a head on collision. Obviously, car accident deaths strike a bit of a nerve (I can't even watch them on television). While speaking to one of the hockey player on the team, the player said, "Tough to have a bad day when you have a team-mate who can't play anymore." (I'm para-phrasing). Perspective from a teenager -or young adult (not sure again). I wrote that one down and put it on my desk. I've had too many bad days, when I should be having good days. All it takes is a bit of an attitude adjustment.
So... get up and try again, take what I want, and stop having bad days. Recipe to life? I think so.
E
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Tributes
I am lucky. Some days I forget that because of the ups and downs in the past. I am lucky that I have so many great people in my life, and so many great role models.
Two of those role models are my Grandmas. My Grandma McCrea was my favourite person - hands down. Nobody could beat her, and I think I'm safe in saying a lot of people felt that way. She was always there for me, she listened to me, and gave me advice. She was a strong and confident woman. I can only hope I turn out to be like her. As I've already written about, she passed away a few years ago, and it was a devastating loss for the entire family. She lived life to the fullest, and lived a good long life full of laughter and family.
Grandma Burton was also strong. In my opinion, she did more than most woman aspired to at her age. She met my grandpa at University, and graduated with a Geology degree. I think that's pretty cool. I'm not sure how long she worked in the field, she eventually settled down on the farm with my Grandpa and did what she loved. She raised her children, and taught them how important family is. Grandma Burton never minced words. She said what she thought, and expected greatness from her kids and grand kids. She was proud of us. Grandma is my only living grandparent, but she's had Alzheimers for a number of years, and it breaks my heart to see her lose her memories. She's still fighting though, and is still a strong and stubborn lady.
If I'm half of what these two woman were, I'm well on my way to the greatness Grandma Burton expected from me. They passed their fierceness on to the next generations.
This year, I have been lucky enough to participate in two events fighting for a cause of the diseases that have taken them from me.
My mom, my sister and I walked in "The Walk for Memories" in January this year. We raised money for it, and than walked for Alzheimer's research. I had many people support me and donate money for my cause. It made me happy, not only to be able to do it, but to have the support and back up to help me raise money and do the walk. (I am forever grateful to my support network).
On Friday, I will be doing the Relay for Life. This is my second time doing it, but I have a feeling, this one will be great. I'm walking with co-workers, and have already bought a Luminary in memory of Velma McCrea (my grandmother). Once again, so many people have donated money for my fundraising, and it just feels so good to have the help in doing this.
These are both great tributes to two of the strongest women I know.
I'm still trying to find a way to make a tribute for Cameron. I'll know it when I find it. His family asked that donations be made to World Vision. I haven't done that yet, but will. There's got to be more though...
I don't know. Those are my thoughts for the day. I just had the need to write, so I thought I'd talk about my inspirations: Velma McCrea and Joyce Burton.
Until next time.
Two of those role models are my Grandmas. My Grandma McCrea was my favourite person - hands down. Nobody could beat her, and I think I'm safe in saying a lot of people felt that way. She was always there for me, she listened to me, and gave me advice. She was a strong and confident woman. I can only hope I turn out to be like her. As I've already written about, she passed away a few years ago, and it was a devastating loss for the entire family. She lived life to the fullest, and lived a good long life full of laughter and family.
Grandma Burton was also strong. In my opinion, she did more than most woman aspired to at her age. She met my grandpa at University, and graduated with a Geology degree. I think that's pretty cool. I'm not sure how long she worked in the field, she eventually settled down on the farm with my Grandpa and did what she loved. She raised her children, and taught them how important family is. Grandma Burton never minced words. She said what she thought, and expected greatness from her kids and grand kids. She was proud of us. Grandma is my only living grandparent, but she's had Alzheimers for a number of years, and it breaks my heart to see her lose her memories. She's still fighting though, and is still a strong and stubborn lady.
If I'm half of what these two woman were, I'm well on my way to the greatness Grandma Burton expected from me. They passed their fierceness on to the next generations.
This year, I have been lucky enough to participate in two events fighting for a cause of the diseases that have taken them from me.
My mom, my sister and I walked in "The Walk for Memories" in January this year. We raised money for it, and than walked for Alzheimer's research. I had many people support me and donate money for my cause. It made me happy, not only to be able to do it, but to have the support and back up to help me raise money and do the walk. (I am forever grateful to my support network).
On Friday, I will be doing the Relay for Life. This is my second time doing it, but I have a feeling, this one will be great. I'm walking with co-workers, and have already bought a Luminary in memory of Velma McCrea (my grandmother). Once again, so many people have donated money for my fundraising, and it just feels so good to have the help in doing this.
These are both great tributes to two of the strongest women I know.
I'm still trying to find a way to make a tribute for Cameron. I'll know it when I find it. His family asked that donations be made to World Vision. I haven't done that yet, but will. There's got to be more though...
I don't know. Those are my thoughts for the day. I just had the need to write, so I thought I'd talk about my inspirations: Velma McCrea and Joyce Burton.
Until next time.
Friday, June 01, 2012
Super Hero Status
I was sick last week. I posted that already. I wrote on the day I was feeling most sick, and most... whiny. I was frustrated, and not just because I found out that I don't have a super hero immune system. (Although, that's still bugging me). I was upset because being sick is something I was not able to control.
Lately, I've been all about getting control in my life. I like to know what's going on with me, and I like to have a plan (if only a day at a time plan). I didn't like my weight and how I was feeling about myself, I started counting calories and going to the gym. Granted, I had already begun to lose weight before that, but I've learned a lot about how much control I have over my weaknesses. The same goes for my mood. If I'm in a bad mood, I work on getting out of it. Sometimes, it takes longer than I'd like to get that black cloud away from me, and sometimes I know I need time to feel sad, or mad, or anxious. Then, I move on. Life is just so much better when I'm happy, and knowing that makes all the difference in the world. So long story short, when I got sick, and wasn't able to get rid of it with pure will-power, sleep and vitamins, I was really frustrated.
So not quite super hero last week, but close enough this week.
I'm better now. I didn't do it on my own though. I had to get a prescription to solve my ear infection -however, it was obviously pure will-power that fixed the rest of it... it just took a week longer than I had planned.
This may be way I have such a hatred for the phrase "Everything happens for a reason." I feel as though I'm the one who makes things happen, and when it doesn't go the way I planned, it's just because crap happens. If you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change your outlook, and deal with it. I could go on forever about things happening for a reason, and what those reasons are, and they all sound like stupid life lessons, that have more to do with me, and not Divine intervention.
During my week of feeling sorry for myself and being sick, I wasn't able to go to the gym. This week, I've made up for it. I went for an hour on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and loved almost every minute of it. I found it very therapeutic this week. It was a time to get lost in my thoughts and my music, and not worry about other people at all. I can't wait until Monday when I go for my next week of therapy :)
That's it. It's been the longest week ever, and I've had things going on in a lot of different areas. I've been feeling anxious about certain things, but I'm dealing with it, and if it's anything worth sharing, I will. Work has been crazy busy as well, but I'll be honest, I love the chaos!
Until next time.
E
Lately, I've been all about getting control in my life. I like to know what's going on with me, and I like to have a plan (if only a day at a time plan). I didn't like my weight and how I was feeling about myself, I started counting calories and going to the gym. Granted, I had already begun to lose weight before that, but I've learned a lot about how much control I have over my weaknesses. The same goes for my mood. If I'm in a bad mood, I work on getting out of it. Sometimes, it takes longer than I'd like to get that black cloud away from me, and sometimes I know I need time to feel sad, or mad, or anxious. Then, I move on. Life is just so much better when I'm happy, and knowing that makes all the difference in the world. So long story short, when I got sick, and wasn't able to get rid of it with pure will-power, sleep and vitamins, I was really frustrated.
So not quite super hero last week, but close enough this week.
I'm better now. I didn't do it on my own though. I had to get a prescription to solve my ear infection -however, it was obviously pure will-power that fixed the rest of it... it just took a week longer than I had planned.
This may be way I have such a hatred for the phrase "Everything happens for a reason." I feel as though I'm the one who makes things happen, and when it doesn't go the way I planned, it's just because crap happens. If you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change your outlook, and deal with it. I could go on forever about things happening for a reason, and what those reasons are, and they all sound like stupid life lessons, that have more to do with me, and not Divine intervention.
During my week of feeling sorry for myself and being sick, I wasn't able to go to the gym. This week, I've made up for it. I went for an hour on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and loved almost every minute of it. I found it very therapeutic this week. It was a time to get lost in my thoughts and my music, and not worry about other people at all. I can't wait until Monday when I go for my next week of therapy :)
That's it. It's been the longest week ever, and I've had things going on in a lot of different areas. I've been feeling anxious about certain things, but I'm dealing with it, and if it's anything worth sharing, I will. Work has been crazy busy as well, but I'll be honest, I love the chaos!
Until next time.
E
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sick
I haven't written for a long time, and when I have, I haven't written about anything I've said I was going to write about. So, long story short, I probably won't. If I haven't yet, it's probably not going to make it in. I've been very sick this past week. I've been kind of angry about being sick as well. Mostly because I thought I was immune to all that. Not sure why I thought that, but I was pretty sure of myself. So much so that every night when I went to bed, I was positive I'd wake up feeling better. I started that on Monday. It's Friday. Every night my sleep got worse and worse. Last night, it really felt like I had no sleep at all.
So I'm leaving work early (at noon) and going to a doctor. Trying to do the positive thought thing, but now I have to go hang out with sick people in a waiting room. (I'm one of them.) Oh well, if it will make me better I'm all for it.
And... I win for the most boring blog entry ever. Cause I have nothing else to say. Sick... going to be better by tomorrow with the help of medication, and life is good otherwise.
I'll have more to say next time. Or I won't write.
So I'm leaving work early (at noon) and going to a doctor. Trying to do the positive thought thing, but now I have to go hang out with sick people in a waiting room. (I'm one of them.) Oh well, if it will make me better I'm all for it.
And... I win for the most boring blog entry ever. Cause I have nothing else to say. Sick... going to be better by tomorrow with the help of medication, and life is good otherwise.
I'll have more to say next time. Or I won't write.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Reminder to myself...
I realise that putting a 2 in the title of a post should mean there is a 1 some place. I thought there was a first, but it says A World Without Strangers.
I don't feel like changing either of them, but thought I would mention that I see it looks strange. I probably should have confirmed that before hand.
Also, I did some more research, and I'm writing it here because I have it on a piece of paper on my desk, and KNOW I will lose the piece of paper. My blog has two anniversaries: June 2006 is when it officially began. August 19th, 2010 was when I started to take it seriously, and began writing things that I was scared to write about -and frankly, scared to speak about. So I will be celebrating both those blog-o-versaries when the time comes. Not sure how. We'll have to wait and see... This is my reminder post for myself. (We'll see how that works.)
Until next time,
E
I don't feel like changing either of them, but thought I would mention that I see it looks strange. I probably should have confirmed that before hand.
Also, I did some more research, and I'm writing it here because I have it on a piece of paper on my desk, and KNOW I will lose the piece of paper. My blog has two anniversaries: June 2006 is when it officially began. August 19th, 2010 was when I started to take it seriously, and began writing things that I was scared to write about -and frankly, scared to speak about. So I will be celebrating both those blog-o-versaries when the time comes. Not sure how. We'll have to wait and see... This is my reminder post for myself. (We'll see how that works.)
Until next time,
E
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The Kindess of Strangers Part Two
Mother's Day was this past Sunday. If I was in the gratitude mode, I would love what I have, and appreciate the fact that I am who I am because of my mother. (I am who I am because of myself as well, but you know what I mean). I truly believe parents are huge influences in what their children become. It's not always the case, but it is in my situation. I've ALWAYS had the support of both my parents, and my mom is quite possibly the best person I know. I will aspire to be as good of a mom as she is to my sister and I. (if the chance comes).
That being said, sometimes I forget the gratitude bit, and I wallow. The reason I wallow is the same reason I started this blog. Unfortunately, the list has grown. The number one reason is because I'm not a mother. I want to be. Some day. It feels like the chance is getting farther and farther from me. This day makes me think of my grandmothers. One passed away the month before Mother's Day, the same year as the miscarriage. If you've read this, you know, but it's still hard. My other grandma is in a nursing home, and has been very up and down this year. She's my mom's mom... she shaped my mom. Something else, that I'm sure will be obvious. Those moms who have lost children. I can't even begin to imagine what a hard day it was for Cameron's mom. She and her husband are wonderful and loving people, and I can't imagine what they are going through. What I've been through -does not compare.
So, I was having an "I'm feeling sorry for myself" day. I try not to do that very often, but it does happen. I went to sit by the river with a book and my journal. It was a beautiful day. (Beautiful enough to give me a sunburn). Everybody was out. Families, kids, couples, singles. I got myself a hot dog (I couldn't resist), and sat down to call my mom. After hanging up, I was still feeling down, and this guy came and asked if he could sit on my bench. (That's right... I called it 'my bench'.) I said yes thinking he was just going to sit, and I'd put my headphones on and continue my moping. Instead, he talked to me. He asked me about the hot dog I was eating. (PS, not that comfortable eating in front of strangers at all, never mind a hot dog )... He asked me about my life, what I did, history in Saskatoon, what's fun to do here... He just moved here, and wanted to learn more about it.
I don't remember being annoyed. I may have been a bit at the beginning, but I enjoyed talking to him. I also enjoyed getting out of my head. He didn't realise the impact he made on my day. We talked for about an hour, and then he gave me his phone number so we could go roller blading together (I don't own roller blades). I took it, and he went off to enjoy the day. At no point did he hit on me, or say anything inappropriate. He just wanted to talk, and maybe thought I did as well. It's the 'old school' way of meeting people, before the silly Internet. I guess it just goes to show that the people on the dating sites (myself included), say they don't know how to meet people, but maybe they just don't try very hard.
I don't think I'll text him. That's not really important. What's important is that for a moment, I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and my day immediately got better. Sometimes I feel like I should give myself moments to feel sorry for myself, and feel sad, but then I realise how much better it feels to be happy.
That's it. Strangers. They're good.
That being said, sometimes I forget the gratitude bit, and I wallow. The reason I wallow is the same reason I started this blog. Unfortunately, the list has grown. The number one reason is because I'm not a mother. I want to be. Some day. It feels like the chance is getting farther and farther from me. This day makes me think of my grandmothers. One passed away the month before Mother's Day, the same year as the miscarriage. If you've read this, you know, but it's still hard. My other grandma is in a nursing home, and has been very up and down this year. She's my mom's mom... she shaped my mom. Something else, that I'm sure will be obvious. Those moms who have lost children. I can't even begin to imagine what a hard day it was for Cameron's mom. She and her husband are wonderful and loving people, and I can't imagine what they are going through. What I've been through -does not compare.
So, I was having an "I'm feeling sorry for myself" day. I try not to do that very often, but it does happen. I went to sit by the river with a book and my journal. It was a beautiful day. (Beautiful enough to give me a sunburn). Everybody was out. Families, kids, couples, singles. I got myself a hot dog (I couldn't resist), and sat down to call my mom. After hanging up, I was still feeling down, and this guy came and asked if he could sit on my bench. (That's right... I called it 'my bench'.) I said yes thinking he was just going to sit, and I'd put my headphones on and continue my moping. Instead, he talked to me. He asked me about the hot dog I was eating. (PS, not that comfortable eating in front of strangers at all, never mind a hot dog )... He asked me about my life, what I did, history in Saskatoon, what's fun to do here... He just moved here, and wanted to learn more about it.
I don't remember being annoyed. I may have been a bit at the beginning, but I enjoyed talking to him. I also enjoyed getting out of my head. He didn't realise the impact he made on my day. We talked for about an hour, and then he gave me his phone number so we could go roller blading together (I don't own roller blades). I took it, and he went off to enjoy the day. At no point did he hit on me, or say anything inappropriate. He just wanted to talk, and maybe thought I did as well. It's the 'old school' way of meeting people, before the silly Internet. I guess it just goes to show that the people on the dating sites (myself included), say they don't know how to meet people, but maybe they just don't try very hard.
I don't think I'll text him. That's not really important. What's important is that for a moment, I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and my day immediately got better. Sometimes I feel like I should give myself moments to feel sorry for myself, and feel sad, but then I realise how much better it feels to be happy.
That's it. Strangers. They're good.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Need You Now
I've been deleting texts lately. I don't need to keep them all, and most end up being deleted once we pass 200 messages anyway. So I guess I was attempting to save my phone's memory, as well get rid of things I don't need (if only I did that with material things). There was one group of messages I wasn't prepared to delete. My last couple of conversations with Cameron. I haven't deleted him as a contact either. I don't want his picture to disappear. (although not only is it his fb picture, but I took it, so I have it to look at in many ways.)
Every once in a while I pull up our last texts. I'll either smile, or tear up... or both. On Monday I was doing my usual purging of messages, and I tried to delete the first on my list. Instead I deleted my last contact with Cam. Three days later, I'm still upset about it. The message wasn't anything important. Mostly us discussing meeting up when he came to Saskatoon for Christmas. A bit of joking, a bit of Erin and Cameron. Now it's gone. Just like him, and my heart occasionally breaks all over again at the loss.
I've been listening to the song "Need you Now" by Lady Antebellum. Sometimes on repeat - because I'm a dork. I feel like it fits sometimes. I think Miss you Now is more appropriate in this situation because the whole point of my life seems to be that I can do it on my own. I shouldn't have to 'need' anybody. Although, I have a pretty big support system, and life would be pretty hard if I didn't have them. Anyway, listening to this song probably doesn't help my mood, and forces me to think about how much I miss him.
Cameron's mom described grief as a roller coaster. Very good description.
I know this entry is kind of all over the place, and I still haven't written about my trip to Whitecourt. I will. I'm not sure if I'll have time to write about it today though. I'll just say this, Whitecourt was home to me because of Cameron. I believe that with all my heart... BUT I've been unfair to Whitecourt, and the friends I've made there. I got a chance to catch up with co-workers and friends while in Whitecourt, and I was reminded of the other things that made this place good. I hold a lot against Whitecourt because of what I went through while I was there, but I forget that it also holds a few people that helped me out when I needed it, and are still there to help me out when needed. I feel like this needs to be said. I was stuck in a haze of unhappiness, and going back with a fresh view, and the even need to have gratitude, I was able to see things clearly.
Also - my mom was with me for this trip. She helped me. I hate to cry in front of people (although, I do it a lot). I hate to have people realise I'm not strong, so mom being with me helped me stay strong. (less breakdowns).
More on the trip later. I'm on my lunch break. Have to get to work now.
Every once in a while I pull up our last texts. I'll either smile, or tear up... or both. On Monday I was doing my usual purging of messages, and I tried to delete the first on my list. Instead I deleted my last contact with Cam. Three days later, I'm still upset about it. The message wasn't anything important. Mostly us discussing meeting up when he came to Saskatoon for Christmas. A bit of joking, a bit of Erin and Cameron. Now it's gone. Just like him, and my heart occasionally breaks all over again at the loss.
I've been listening to the song "Need you Now" by Lady Antebellum. Sometimes on repeat - because I'm a dork. I feel like it fits sometimes. I think Miss you Now is more appropriate in this situation because the whole point of my life seems to be that I can do it on my own. I shouldn't have to 'need' anybody. Although, I have a pretty big support system, and life would be pretty hard if I didn't have them. Anyway, listening to this song probably doesn't help my mood, and forces me to think about how much I miss him.
Cameron's mom described grief as a roller coaster. Very good description.
I know this entry is kind of all over the place, and I still haven't written about my trip to Whitecourt. I will. I'm not sure if I'll have time to write about it today though. I'll just say this, Whitecourt was home to me because of Cameron. I believe that with all my heart... BUT I've been unfair to Whitecourt, and the friends I've made there. I got a chance to catch up with co-workers and friends while in Whitecourt, and I was reminded of the other things that made this place good. I hold a lot against Whitecourt because of what I went through while I was there, but I forget that it also holds a few people that helped me out when I needed it, and are still there to help me out when needed. I feel like this needs to be said. I was stuck in a haze of unhappiness, and going back with a fresh view, and the even need to have gratitude, I was able to see things clearly.
Also - my mom was with me for this trip. She helped me. I hate to cry in front of people (although, I do it a lot). I hate to have people realise I'm not strong, so mom being with me helped me stay strong. (less breakdowns).
More on the trip later. I'm on my lunch break. Have to get to work now.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
The Court of White
I'm going to Whitecourt this weekend. I'm going with my mom because I honestly don't think I can do it alone. I need to check into my condo and make sure my renters are still good.
I've been losing sleep and stressing about this for days. It hit me last night, as I was writing in my journal to Cameron, that I'm about to see the last place we hugged. The place we said goodbye for the last time (except I didn't know it was the last time). I will probably walk past his house. I won't go in (because it's not mine), but I know I'll walk past it. We will drive past the place on the highway. The place. I don't know exactly where it is, but I have an idea.
Everything in Whitecourt is memories of Cameron and I. I thought I was stressed out before, it's just building up.
I hate losing it in front of people. I hate crying in front of people -including my mom.
I HATE not being strong, but I've somehow lost all my strength these last few days, and am left with a tension headache, a pain in my chest, and tears.
I'll write when I get back.
I've been losing sleep and stressing about this for days. It hit me last night, as I was writing in my journal to Cameron, that I'm about to see the last place we hugged. The place we said goodbye for the last time (except I didn't know it was the last time). I will probably walk past his house. I won't go in (because it's not mine), but I know I'll walk past it. We will drive past the place on the highway. The place. I don't know exactly where it is, but I have an idea.
Everything in Whitecourt is memories of Cameron and I. I thought I was stressed out before, it's just building up.
I hate losing it in front of people. I hate crying in front of people -including my mom.
I HATE not being strong, but I've somehow lost all my strength these last few days, and am left with a tension headache, a pain in my chest, and tears.
I'll write when I get back.
Monday, April 30, 2012
No blogging today... or week possibly
I don't feel like I'll have the time or the energy this week to blog. I also don't feel like it's going to be the best week in the world. I know I have to NOT feel that way to make it better, but sometimes... it's hard.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Writing Writing Writing
I have taken too long of a break, and I miss writing. For some reason, this last couple of weeks, I haven't really been reading or writing in any form.
I must get back to it! I'll be writing more next week. I've got quite a bit to say, I'm just trying to get it all organized in my head. First topic will be new goals, and second will be dating or non dating as the case may be. There are many more things that will be talked about, but that's it for now. It's been a very busy week at work, and I LOVE IT! I really love my job, but mostly when it's busy and I get to write all day.
So... back to work, and will talk to you on Monday. (By the way, I don't really know who 'you' is... but I just had a friend tell me she was happy that I keep this blog up. Made me feel very nice. So thanks!)
I must get back to it! I'll be writing more next week. I've got quite a bit to say, I'm just trying to get it all organized in my head. First topic will be new goals, and second will be dating or non dating as the case may be. There are many more things that will be talked about, but that's it for now. It's been a very busy week at work, and I LOVE IT! I really love my job, but mostly when it's busy and I get to write all day.
So... back to work, and will talk to you on Monday. (By the way, I don't really know who 'you' is... but I just had a friend tell me she was happy that I keep this blog up. Made me feel very nice. So thanks!)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Katimavik
I was lucky enough to be involved in Katimavik in 1998. I graduated high school at the end of June, and headed off to a program I knew very little about in August.
Here is what I knew, and what I told anybody who asked me 'Where is Katimavik?' First of all, it's not a place. Katimavik is a government-funded program. 11-13 (I'm not sure of the exact amount. I can't remember anymore, and it changed) youth (aged 17-21) from across Canada live together in a house in three different provinces, doing volunteer work in the towns we were staying in. (That's one rotation. There are a lot of different rotations all across Canada). I was going to Glovertown, Newfoundland, Carlton Place, Ontario, and Baie St Paul, Quebec for three months in each place.
That's all I knew. I didn't know anybody else that I would be living with, I didn't know what kind of volunteer work, and I had no idea what to expect. It was also the first time I had travelled by myself. I think getting on that plane from Saskatoon to go to Newfoundland (with a layover in Toronto), was probably one of the bravest things I've done. I was young. I was naive. I was shy and timid. I hadn't really experienced life outside of my small town of 200.
I found an ad for Katimavik in a teen writing magazine I had. Even then I had aspirations to be a writer. I'm still working on that. It was early 1998 that I found the ad. I remember showing my mom, and thinking, "I could do this!" It was an exciting prospect because up until then, I didn't know what I was going to do after high school. I always knew I'd go to University, but I wasn't ready yet. I didn't know what I wanted to take, or what I wanted to be when I grew up... other than a writer.
So when I was 17, I boarded a plane all by myself to Gander, Newfoundland. There are certain moments in every one's life that have changed them. Changed the direction in life they were taking. The question always comes up... "What if I had never done that? What would my life be like now?" Of course, you never really know the answer. I'm sure life would be different.
I've had a lot of those moments. I'm not going to name them because I'm only here to talk about this life changing event. Katimavik. Without it, I would have been very different. I wouldn't have met the friends that I still talk to today. I wouldn't have fallen in love with Canada and with travel.
I wouldn't have had the opportunity to see all that I did at that stage in my life, and I'm not sure I would be able to afford to otherwise. Yes. The government helps the participants and gives them a chance to travel. That's not all though. We don't get a 'free trip'. We WORK. And work hard. We volunteered for different places in the communities we lived in (Monday to Friday 9-5), and got paid an allowance of 3 dollars a day. We received 1000 dollars at the end of our 9 months. (This is in 1998, the amount of money and amount of months have both changed). Food and housing were paid for, but we had a budget for EVERYTHING. We didn't go over the budget, and we made sure that we got everything out of what we were given, be it trips, seeing places in the province we were living in, learning new things, or trying new things. We had bunk beds with about four girls to a room. (And four guys to a room, if not 6).
As for the jobs, in Newfoundland, we worked at Terra Nova National Park. We helped build a boardwalk in the park. I helped at various times with those jobs, and also worked at the Marine Centre. A young girl from Saskatchewan got to give tours, and tell people about the sea animals in the touch tank. We painted a scout's cabin one weekend as well.
In Ontario, we all worked at different places. I volunteered (and worked all day) at a daycare. As did a few others at a different daycare. Some worked for the Arena in town, and did manual labour. (I don't know exactly what they did because I only worked at the daycare).
In Quebec, we had a variety of different jobs, and unfortunately, I don't remember them all. I worked at a Women's Centre and helped with child care, with cleaning and cooking, and spending time with the women. Another participant worked at an art studio. Everybody had a job, and we were at times able to choose a job that we hoped we'd be interested in for the future.
We also billeted for a week in each province. It was a time to live with the locals, work with them, and learn about how they live. In Newfoundland, I stayed with a family with another participant. We worked HARD during that time. For the family mostly. Worked in the little village we were in doing mostly manual labour. We spent time with the family. We lived with an older couple, their daughter, and her two children.
In Ontario, I was billeting at an old folks home. The family lived in a house attached to it. I helped clean and cook all day every day.
In Quebec, I billeted with a wonderful bilingual woman who was a baker. I woke up, and went to work baking with her for the week, and helped cleaning out a house.
In all places we stayed, we stuck with them for a week. If they went somewhere, we went as well. They were family -if we were lucky.
We also learned. We had classes of sorts. We'd get people in to teach us relevant things that would hopefully help us in our futures. We had French classes, budgeting classes, and towards the end, we worked on resume building and cover letters, and so many others. We had life lessons that could never be in a lesson. We learned to live with one another. There were some relationships. In our case, none of them lasted too far past Katimavik, although at the time we probably hoped they would. It was a year of 'firsts'. I would have had these 'firsts' at some point in my life, but this was life changing. I learned about myself, I slowly started to change, and see things differently. I cared about different things.
We travelled the provinces we volunteered in. We climbed mountains, kayaked in oceans, saw Niagara Falls, Toronto, Ontario, Quebec and Montreal. We saw things and were able to see culture that most of us had not experienced.
I am 31 now, and I'm still changing, and still trying to have experiences that reach outside my comfort level (a comfort level that expanded like crazy because of Katimavik). I believe we never stop changing, but without Katimavik, I wouldn't have learned it quite as quickly.
Since Katimavik, I've kept in touch with almost all the participants (thanks to facebook). We've met up again at weddings, and kept in touch if we were going to visit one another's province. One of the other participants and I travelled to Thailand and Taiwan together about six years after Katimavik.
We've all changed, and we've all grown up since Katimavik. Going into Katimavik we were young, and coming out of it, we were still young, but had already learned so much about ourselves, about life, about money, and about one another.
I've done a lot of great things in my life, and Katimavik is on that list. As for the reason I'm writing this, the government has just cut the funding for Katimavik. After the rotation is done, it's over. Unless people can write letters and let the government know what a great program this is. How it changed your life, and how it will change other's lives. Because it will. And it did.
I'm not sure how to end this... Save Katimavik!!
Erin
For more information on Katimavik: http://www.newswire.ca/en/story/951143/katimavik-sets-the-facts-straight
and: http://www.katimavik.org/
And if you have your own stories: http://www.katimavik.org/node/add/testimonial
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
Miss Him
I miss Cameron. Missing him isn't a new feeling. It's kind of a constant. I missed him before he died, but all I had to do was call him or email him and tell him. It just hits me every once in a while. Hits me all over again, that I won't be talking to him again. I sometimes relive the day I found out he died. I remember waiting at work to have it confirmed. And I fight back tears. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don't.
I'm fine with the fact that I still feel this way. I don't really share it with a lot of people, but I don't hide it either. I miss my friend. He was my family for three years in Whitecourt. I no longer have him, Karmen (the dog) or Rolo (the cat). It's shocking how different my life is now.
How do I get through this? I breath. I write. I give myself the time I need to feel bad about my loss, and about his family's loss. Then I continue my day.
I really am happy with the way my life is headed right now. I'm doing things that are for me, and me alone (exercising and attempting to date). I just wish I could share it all with him. In person, not writing him letters in my journal. I hate that I make wishes like that because they aren't going to happen.
That's it. I miss him.
I'm fine with the fact that I still feel this way. I don't really share it with a lot of people, but I don't hide it either. I miss my friend. He was my family for three years in Whitecourt. I no longer have him, Karmen (the dog) or Rolo (the cat). It's shocking how different my life is now.
How do I get through this? I breath. I write. I give myself the time I need to feel bad about my loss, and about his family's loss. Then I continue my day.
I really am happy with the way my life is headed right now. I'm doing things that are for me, and me alone (exercising and attempting to date). I just wish I could share it all with him. In person, not writing him letters in my journal. I hate that I make wishes like that because they aren't going to happen.
That's it. I miss him.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
More changes or goals...
I said in an earlier post that I was going to begin going to the gym. I have. I decided to stick to the Elliptical until I get more into shape, and then I will focus on weights or strength training. The first day (Monday last week), I was on it for 20 minutes. The next day (Tuesday), 30 minutes. 20 minutes was tough, and 30 was hard as well. I play Dodge ball on Wednesday, and had plans on Thursday, so I went back on Friday and did an hour on the Elliptical. The last 30 minutes were HARD. The last 15 minutes were TERRIBLE. I did it though.
I took the weekend off. Even going so far as to have a Baconator from Wendy's. I learned a lesson while sitting at home with an upset stomach that night from basically a burger full of grease. Exercise is not the only thing I need to change. On Sunday I went to the Farmer's Market, and bought green and healthy food. I also downloaded a Calorie counter/exercise app. (Myfitnesspal.com).
I began using it on Monday. At 9am, somebody came out of the work kitchen and announced there was cheesecake. First of many times I am going to have to resist. I recorded all my calories, and by the time I got to the gym, and did my hour on the elliptical, I was feeling good. I felt a little like I had cheated the system by giving myself more calories.
Tuesday, however, was harder at the gym. The last 15 minutes, I basically hated everybody. (Mostly the people who weren't sweating profusely or smelling like they needed to wash their gym clothes, and were making the whole gym going experience look effortless). I left once again, feeling proud of myself. For my newest life changes and choices. Finally, going into my 30s, I'm making healthy life choices.
Today, I have Dodge ball, so there will be no gym. My last Dodge ball game (ever, if I have anything to say about it). I really am not enjoying it like I hoped I would. I'm more of an exercise on my own person. Especially because I have not been able to get the throwing, dodging or catching down.
I'm planning four gym trips a week, and every day of calorie counting. (1200 calories a day).
I don't think I ever explained why I'm doing this. In November/December of 2011 (last November and December), I was at my very highest weight ever. I had decided not to buy a dress to my Christmas Party, only to find out the day before while trying on the dresses I have, that NOT ONE fit. I had gained A LOT of weight.
Since Cameron died, I've lost 15 pounds. I don't think this is anything to be proud of. It was unhealthy choices, and no appetite that caused the weight loss. Now - I am making changes. I plan to lose a bit more weight, and then maintain it by eating well and exercising. I've gotten this far by accident, I just need to keep it up. I'm pretty focused on making this happen. I hate to give up, so I hope that trend will continue into exercising and calorie counting.
By the way -I have never dieted in my life. I find it extremely sad. Counting calories makes eating a lot less interesting. I have started eating three meals a day though, which I haven't done for years. (For a while after the New Year, I was only eating one meal a day.)
So... here's to more life changes for me. It's never ending.
I took the weekend off. Even going so far as to have a Baconator from Wendy's. I learned a lesson while sitting at home with an upset stomach that night from basically a burger full of grease. Exercise is not the only thing I need to change. On Sunday I went to the Farmer's Market, and bought green and healthy food. I also downloaded a Calorie counter/exercise app. (Myfitnesspal.com).
I began using it on Monday. At 9am, somebody came out of the work kitchen and announced there was cheesecake. First of many times I am going to have to resist. I recorded all my calories, and by the time I got to the gym, and did my hour on the elliptical, I was feeling good. I felt a little like I had cheated the system by giving myself more calories.
Tuesday, however, was harder at the gym. The last 15 minutes, I basically hated everybody. (Mostly the people who weren't sweating profusely or smelling like they needed to wash their gym clothes, and were making the whole gym going experience look effortless). I left once again, feeling proud of myself. For my newest life changes and choices. Finally, going into my 30s, I'm making healthy life choices.
Today, I have Dodge ball, so there will be no gym. My last Dodge ball game (ever, if I have anything to say about it). I really am not enjoying it like I hoped I would. I'm more of an exercise on my own person. Especially because I have not been able to get the throwing, dodging or catching down.
I'm planning four gym trips a week, and every day of calorie counting. (1200 calories a day).
I don't think I ever explained why I'm doing this. In November/December of 2011 (last November and December), I was at my very highest weight ever. I had decided not to buy a dress to my Christmas Party, only to find out the day before while trying on the dresses I have, that NOT ONE fit. I had gained A LOT of weight.
Since Cameron died, I've lost 15 pounds. I don't think this is anything to be proud of. It was unhealthy choices, and no appetite that caused the weight loss. Now - I am making changes. I plan to lose a bit more weight, and then maintain it by eating well and exercising. I've gotten this far by accident, I just need to keep it up. I'm pretty focused on making this happen. I hate to give up, so I hope that trend will continue into exercising and calorie counting.
By the way -I have never dieted in my life. I find it extremely sad. Counting calories makes eating a lot less interesting. I have started eating three meals a day though, which I haven't done for years. (For a while after the New Year, I was only eating one meal a day.)
So... here's to more life changes for me. It's never ending.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Birds?
I feel like posting, but I don't want it to be about anything very personal. I was feeling a bit insecure about the last entry. It felt like too much, too much detail, too much about something that did not just involve me. I had blogger's regret... I did talk to my friend (and writer advice giver/encourager) about it, and she thought it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. (not in those words.) So I'm leaving it up for now, but once again changing my approach.
I won't really be focusing on the online thing like I said I would, unless it's very important because as I said, that's about two people. Not just me.
Once a long time ago, I used the title 'Do One Thing a Day That Scares You'. Or something along those lines. At that point, I was referring to blogging, and writing about my life. That doesn't scare me anymore. For more than one reason, but mostly because I don't think a lot of people read this. I may be wrong. It is something open on the Internet, but it just feels like my main supporters read it -and I am okay with that.
It means, I have to find something else that scares me, and I have. everyday I've been facing my fears and walking underneath a bridge in Saskatoon by the river. It's covered with scary birds. Pigeons I think -but it really makes no difference. My heart stops every time I hear them or see them move. It's a strange fear, but if that's my biggest problem, life is pretty okay.
So, once again, I need to thank Lulu Lemon, for their great inspiring words (I'm not thanking them for the overpriced clothing). I do agree with you should do one thing a day that scares you, if not to get a little bit out of your comfort zone. It's a pretty good feeling. Hard to do all the time though. I've been jumping out of my comfort zone like crazy this week... birds, gym, date.
That's it. Just thought I'd write a quick entry. Now, I have to work.
E
I won't really be focusing on the online thing like I said I would, unless it's very important because as I said, that's about two people. Not just me.
Once a long time ago, I used the title 'Do One Thing a Day That Scares You'. Or something along those lines. At that point, I was referring to blogging, and writing about my life. That doesn't scare me anymore. For more than one reason, but mostly because I don't think a lot of people read this. I may be wrong. It is something open on the Internet, but it just feels like my main supporters read it -and I am okay with that.
It means, I have to find something else that scares me, and I have. everyday I've been facing my fears and walking underneath a bridge in Saskatoon by the river. It's covered with scary birds. Pigeons I think -but it really makes no difference. My heart stops every time I hear them or see them move. It's a strange fear, but if that's my biggest problem, life is pretty okay.
So, once again, I need to thank Lulu Lemon, for their great inspiring words (I'm not thanking them for the overpriced clothing). I do agree with you should do one thing a day that scares you, if not to get a little bit out of your comfort zone. It's a pretty good feeling. Hard to do all the time though. I've been jumping out of my comfort zone like crazy this week... birds, gym, date.
That's it. Just thought I'd write a quick entry. Now, I have to work.
E
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The continuation of the new me
Starting Monday, I am going to start using my gym membership. I finally got it sorted out, and now I will start going. My one and only goal this year is to do things that make me happy and do things for me. This is one of the many.
My relationship slash non love life is going nowhere. I'm not giving up on that either, but spreading the focus around a little. Maybe I'll start a humorous dating blog... probably about online dating because I haven't figured out how else to date.
My relationship slash non love life is going nowhere. I'm not giving up on that either, but spreading the focus around a little. Maybe I'll start a humorous dating blog... probably about online dating because I haven't figured out how else to date.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Gratitude
To continue on with my happy/inspirational life, I'm going to write about the great things that have happened this week. I might try to do this once a week. Not everyday... while I'm sure I could do it everyday, I don't actually find it to be good blog material. The week started off kind of slow with good things. I was a little bit down a couple days. That's life right? The important thing is to somehow get away from the sad feeling. The weather has been gorgeous ALL week. I've now gotten rid of my Winter jacket, and have been wearing only hoodies for warmth.
I'll start with Sunday because it was actually a pretty great day. I spent it with my mom. We went to a play with my sister and aunt (after having lunch). The play wasn't the best I've seen, but wasn't terrible either. It was a Simpson's/Macbeth mix -all done by one person. After that, my mom and I went to the Brier finals with my roommate and her friend. She got the tickets from her work, and was nice enough to share. I went on Tuesday with her as well. (not my mom).
Monday is actually kind of a haze, although something that does stand out is the fact that I woke up cheerful, and was fine with the fact that not only was it morning, but the weekend was over. I think it's my new room. I don't have curtains so block the sun, so I wake up to it. (or get out of the shower to it, as the sun isn't quite awake at the same time as me (yet).
Tuesday I wore a skirt. Not that exciting? Doesn't matter to me. It was nice enough that I could walk to work in my skirt. LOVE!!! Also, I should mention I have been walking to work by the river, which means going underneath a bridge that has a HUGE amount of scary birds. So I've also been facing the same fear everyday. Facing fears is good, and I also like the scared feeling. As long as it goes away. So far, so good, but I'm sure the birds will realise how scared I am of them soon.
Yesterday was another beautiful day. I was a little sluggish in the morning. Worried about things that I have no power over. I had a therapy appointment in the afternoon, and then walked back to work from it. Those appointments help. It's like my time, to talk about what I need to, and to relax if I need. Although, I think my next appointment is my last for a bit, so I'll have to learn as much as I can from it. The day got even better though. When I got back to work, I was asked if I wanted to go to a Darious Rucker and Lady Antebellum concert. The answer was OF COURSE. I can definitely say, those two are my very favourite country artists, so it was a wonderful time. My roommate was my date for the night. She enjoyed it as well, which is great!
And today... it's only half way through, but I've just been feeling so happy about the week, and about my light heart. I'm also going to hang out with one of my best friends tonight, and her two gorgeous little boys. I'm looking forward to that. Oh and I have a great appreciation for the fact that I'm not allergic to peanut butter. Nothing is better than a Nature Valley sweet and salty peanut granola bar in the morning. Heaven!
I won't be doing another one of these until next week I guess. I'll throw in a thing I'm already excited about for tomorrow. Free lunch! The best sandwich ever made. (well it was the last time). And I do have plans on Saturday, but I'm not sure how secure they are, so I'll just hold off on talking about it.
One other thing... I decided last month to start dating again. I've been seeing somebody for less than three weeks... not a long time, and I'm not really sure at the moment what's happening with it. I don't know where it's going, if anywhere, but it's fun for the moment, and I'm glad to give it a go. Brave face.
So all these great things are small and probably insignificant to many, but to me, they've made this week into a wonderful one. This trend is going to continue.
I'll start with Sunday because it was actually a pretty great day. I spent it with my mom. We went to a play with my sister and aunt (after having lunch). The play wasn't the best I've seen, but wasn't terrible either. It was a Simpson's/Macbeth mix -all done by one person. After that, my mom and I went to the Brier finals with my roommate and her friend. She got the tickets from her work, and was nice enough to share. I went on Tuesday with her as well. (not my mom).
Monday is actually kind of a haze, although something that does stand out is the fact that I woke up cheerful, and was fine with the fact that not only was it morning, but the weekend was over. I think it's my new room. I don't have curtains so block the sun, so I wake up to it. (or get out of the shower to it, as the sun isn't quite awake at the same time as me (yet).
Tuesday I wore a skirt. Not that exciting? Doesn't matter to me. It was nice enough that I could walk to work in my skirt. LOVE!!! Also, I should mention I have been walking to work by the river, which means going underneath a bridge that has a HUGE amount of scary birds. So I've also been facing the same fear everyday. Facing fears is good, and I also like the scared feeling. As long as it goes away. So far, so good, but I'm sure the birds will realise how scared I am of them soon.
Yesterday was another beautiful day. I was a little sluggish in the morning. Worried about things that I have no power over. I had a therapy appointment in the afternoon, and then walked back to work from it. Those appointments help. It's like my time, to talk about what I need to, and to relax if I need. Although, I think my next appointment is my last for a bit, so I'll have to learn as much as I can from it. The day got even better though. When I got back to work, I was asked if I wanted to go to a Darious Rucker and Lady Antebellum concert. The answer was OF COURSE. I can definitely say, those two are my very favourite country artists, so it was a wonderful time. My roommate was my date for the night. She enjoyed it as well, which is great!
And today... it's only half way through, but I've just been feeling so happy about the week, and about my light heart. I'm also going to hang out with one of my best friends tonight, and her two gorgeous little boys. I'm looking forward to that. Oh and I have a great appreciation for the fact that I'm not allergic to peanut butter. Nothing is better than a Nature Valley sweet and salty peanut granola bar in the morning. Heaven!
I won't be doing another one of these until next week I guess. I'll throw in a thing I'm already excited about for tomorrow. Free lunch! The best sandwich ever made. (well it was the last time). And I do have plans on Saturday, but I'm not sure how secure they are, so I'll just hold off on talking about it.
One other thing... I decided last month to start dating again. I've been seeing somebody for less than three weeks... not a long time, and I'm not really sure at the moment what's happening with it. I don't know where it's going, if anywhere, but it's fun for the moment, and I'm glad to give it a go. Brave face.
So all these great things are small and probably insignificant to many, but to me, they've made this week into a wonderful one. This trend is going to continue.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
It is what it is?
This will be a short post. Being that I'm in the inspiration type mood lately, I thought I'd write down my latest thought. I've heard a lot of people say "It is what it is." They say this as a reason for life, I guess. A reason that things have not turned out the way it was expected.
I call it an excuse. I hope that I never have to explain to my children that the reason life has been unfair to them is because 'it is what it is'.
Instead, I will be telling them, "It is what you make it out to be".
That's my thought.
I call it an excuse. I hope that I never have to explain to my children that the reason life has been unfair to them is because 'it is what it is'.
Instead, I will be telling them, "It is what you make it out to be".
That's my thought.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Smiling and happy and stuff
It's been a while since I wrote. Mostly because my computer crashed, and I haven't fixed it yet. I've been writing a lot in my journal, but miss blogging.
First of all, I'm feeling good. I'm not depressed, I'm not sad all the time, and I'm learning a life lesson that I should have learnt a long time ago: It's up to me to be happy. When I feel myself sinking, and feeling sad at the way certain things turned out, I just have to stop and breathe, and think about all the great things I have in my life, and all the great things I hope to have in my life.
Gratitude. I was beginning to learn about this before Cameron died. Sometime in the fall, after we broke up, I think I realised that I was the only person who could keep myself going, and hopefully happy.
I momentarily stopped after he died. I wasn't sure how to survive or get through it. I knew I had support with my family and friends, but it didn't stop the fear of not being able to get through the pain. I got through it. This isn't to say I'm not still sad some times. I lost somebody who was a huge part of my life, and who I am pretty sure I would have stayed friends with as we grew older. It's tough, and I will miss him, but I need to focus on myself more than any sort of pain. I have a lot of good memories that I can be happy about with him, but not only that, I will have a lot more good memories in my life as I continue to grow.
I don't give myself enough credit. As one of my friends pointed out, it wasn't just Cameron who helped me get through that terrible year. I got myself through it. I was lucky to have him, but I need to take credit for all that I've accomplished. I pulled myself out of the depression, and nobody else. Cameron was a rock, and I will be always be happy that he was there for me, and I'll always be grateful that he was there. However, moving back to Saskatoon and the break up was the best thing for me, and the best thing for him. I started to gain back my independence, and started to realise that I could do it on my own.
So, I guess the point is, that I'm getting through life, and working on keeping the best attitude I can have. I am stronger than I think I am, and probably stronger than others give me credit. Some people. I know which ones think I'm strong. They sometimes have more faith in me than I do. I love having a light heart, but have to work at it some days.
Until next time,
Erin
First of all, I'm feeling good. I'm not depressed, I'm not sad all the time, and I'm learning a life lesson that I should have learnt a long time ago: It's up to me to be happy. When I feel myself sinking, and feeling sad at the way certain things turned out, I just have to stop and breathe, and think about all the great things I have in my life, and all the great things I hope to have in my life.
Gratitude. I was beginning to learn about this before Cameron died. Sometime in the fall, after we broke up, I think I realised that I was the only person who could keep myself going, and hopefully happy.
I momentarily stopped after he died. I wasn't sure how to survive or get through it. I knew I had support with my family and friends, but it didn't stop the fear of not being able to get through the pain. I got through it. This isn't to say I'm not still sad some times. I lost somebody who was a huge part of my life, and who I am pretty sure I would have stayed friends with as we grew older. It's tough, and I will miss him, but I need to focus on myself more than any sort of pain. I have a lot of good memories that I can be happy about with him, but not only that, I will have a lot more good memories in my life as I continue to grow.
I don't give myself enough credit. As one of my friends pointed out, it wasn't just Cameron who helped me get through that terrible year. I got myself through it. I was lucky to have him, but I need to take credit for all that I've accomplished. I pulled myself out of the depression, and nobody else. Cameron was a rock, and I will be always be happy that he was there for me, and I'll always be grateful that he was there. However, moving back to Saskatoon and the break up was the best thing for me, and the best thing for him. I started to gain back my independence, and started to realise that I could do it on my own.
So, I guess the point is, that I'm getting through life, and working on keeping the best attitude I can have. I am stronger than I think I am, and probably stronger than others give me credit. Some people. I know which ones think I'm strong. They sometimes have more faith in me than I do. I love having a light heart, but have to work at it some days.
Until next time,
Erin
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