Tuesday, July 10, 2012


I think I should organize my thoughts before writing. I never do though. Sometimes I scribble short form thoughts on a piece of paper. In fact, I still have the one from the last entry in front of me. I should throw that out.

For lack of a better title, this one is called 100 -because it's my 100th entry since I started this blog many years ago. I've been on and off ever since. Mostly on for the past few months. We all know why. (unless you just stumbled upon this blog entry.) I'm sure I'll get to 200 in no time. (haha... maybe?)

My trip to Whitecourt was as I expected... an emotional effing roller coaster. I was up and down. I'm  hoping I appeared to be mostly up because I was. That was the plan -don't let anybody in. I know -great plan for sanity. The good news is, I'm essentially telling the whole world now (the whole world reads this right?), so I only bottled it up the weekend. Also, it's important to note that I was not a sad sap the entire weekend. I had a good time, I just had 'teary' moments. I was more up than down -which is the only way to live life.

Strange that my year anniversary in Saskatoon was spent in the place I left a year ago.

I decided to leave work 20 minutes early on Friday so I could get the rest of my things packed, and go to pick up my wedding/road trip date. I had just said good bye to a friend, and was packing up my purse when I got a text from Cameron's mom. She told me something about Karmen that made me smile, followed with news that Cameron's house had sold. I knew it was up for sale. When it happened, she told me how hard it was to do that final step. Even though she told me how she was feeling, I didn't get it. Until she sent me that text on Friday. Everything stopped for a moment, and it's all I could think about. Cameron's house isn't his anymore because he's not coming back.

So, I quickly said goodbye to everyone else, and headed out because I knew I was going to cry. Luckily I had my huge sunglasses on to hide it from the world. I'm actually not sure when the last time was that I just let myself cry about what I've lost. I know it's good to cry, but sometimes, I'd rather smile and continue on. Fake it. So I got as much out as I had time for, and went to pick up my date.

Sometimes, I feel like I'd like to tell him how I'm feeling. There were so many times on the weekend, that I just wanted to let somebody (him) in. The moment never seemed right. I didn't tell him I was sad about the house selling, and I didn't tell him when we passed the spot Cameron's accident happened -either time. That highway stresses me out. It makes me sad and scared and confused about how it all happened. It makes me angry as well. That's a lot of emotions to have while driving. Probably things I should have said out loud.

Either way, I made it. I gave him the tour of Whitecourt, including the sold blue house. The wedding was a nice and happy event, and as usually it was lovely to see old co-workers and friends. (the ones I hadn't deleted of facebook -that was awkward). I had one emotional moment at the reception, but it was fine. I was fine. That's what I do... I get through it.

It was nice to visit the town, and see it through somebody else's eyes. I took him to all the important spots -my favourite restaurants, the river, my condo, the wedding spots, all my past jobs, and the strip club... all very important to see while in Whitecourt. The only thing we missed out on was a walk on the trails and a tube down the river, but there was really no time at all for that.

That's done. Now I'm trying to get back on track with my eating well and exercising. So far, I've had something to do on Monday and today, so have not made it to the gym. It's on the list. Along with work on my novel.

In other news Taste of Saskatchewan is on this week, and it makes me love this town. The weekend break from Saskatoon mixed with all the fabulous summer events are what I needed. Although I wouldn't mind another break to someplace new. It's on the list as well.

Okay. Gotta go.

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