Sunday, August 28, 2011

The break up

You can probably guess what this will be about. Cameron is still planning to move to Saskatoon, and get a fly in fly out job. However, it won't be with me. Saskatoon has always been his home, and I haven't. I made a home with him, and now we are going our separate ways. I guess we already went out separate ways (he is still in Whitecourt, and I'm in Saskatoon). We broke up two weeks ago, and if I had written two weeks ago, I'd be writing something completely different. I was heart broken. I'm not heart broken now, I'm just sad. Sad that it didn't work out. Sad that I'm not going to get married, and sad that I'm not going to have a baby. Not that I'm at all ready for any of that. To be realistic, if that's what I'm sad about, not the actual end of our relationship, it says a lot. I loved Cameron. I gave him all the love I had, but he wasn't able to return it. We both knew it, but it took both of us a long time to admit it. There is no bitterness. Cam was my best friend, and right now he still is my best friend. I don't think we'll continue being best friends, but I hope we can stay friends. Garnet and I were going to stay friends. We didn't. This is different. I'm older, more mature, and Cameron has been the one I've gone to about everything for the past 2 and a half years.

I feel like I'm okay, but I know I'm not. I think this might be the best time to blog. Instead of hiding how I'm feeling, and just simply moving on with my life, I'm going to blog about it, and not care who reads it. I can already feel myself putting on my 'brave face' in front of friends. I'm proud of myself for getting up and going to work everyday -which doesn't seem like something to be proud of -but the first work-day after our break up, all I wanted to do was go to sleep, and not go to work. I went to work, and for that I'm proud. I guess I have nothing to fall back on now. I can't just be depressed. I can't let myself. I need to move on, and make my new life in this great city.

I am going to allow myself to be sad though. I had such high hopes for Cameron and I. I really thought we were going to make it. I may have been delusional. If I had ever listened to my nagging thoughts, I might have talked to him about how I was feeling sooner. I guess I was scared that what did happen would. I had planned out our lives, and I guess the big thing is I hate to quit. I hate to give up. Cameron hates to hurt people, and hated the fact that I was going to be hurt. It helped that I wasn't surprised he was saying the things he did. I can freely admit that while I love him, I haven't felt in love with him in a while. In fact -I don't really know what 'in love' feels like. I know I've loved, but I no longer know what it's going to feel like to fall head over heels for a guy.

I'm going to miss Cameron. He was a wonderful boyfriend (at times), and when he finds that girl he actually falls in love with, she's going to feel it, and be incredibly lucky. But I need to find somebody who is always a wonderful boyfriend. And who thinks I'm smart, and believes in what I say. Also, maybe one who will stick up for me in front of his friends.

We had so much in our way when we started dating. My pregnancy, my miscarriage, my depression, and he had his issues as well. His ex-girlfriend seemed to be along for the relationship. That was both my fault and his. We started dating too soon after they FINALLY ended, and just moved to fast. We didn't date, we had a full out relationship. I didn't trust him either. I'm not sure where that came from. Mostly myself I guess. Insecurities about myself, and him.

Either way, we both need to work on ourselves more than anybody else. I lost myself quite a bit while with him, and I need to be with somebody who completely supports me, and what I say... and somebody who doesn't care that I haven't had any major life changing event in my life. Being normal is a good thing, and if he can't see that, what can I do? (I know, I try to be anything but normal, but I'm not usually crazy.)

That last paragraph may not have made sense, and maybe should have been left in my journal, but I'm already writing, and if I'm going to use this as my therapy, why not?

I guess  I also hate failing at things. Which are always full of regrets for not working hard enough at succeeding. I know this shouldn't be the same situation, but to me it is. I was the best I can be, and it wasn't enough.

That's it for now.

1 comment:

Diana Kirk Koenning said...

Hi Erin,
First off, I want to say, you are a strong, smart girl with a hell of a lot to offer whomever you share your life with - be it family, friends, or a serious relationship.

Secondly, I respect and commend your ability to write your thoughts/feelings on here, sharing them and knowing they are released to the world, as you feel them. It's raw, it's truthful, and at this point it's who you are. However, in time, as all things change, you will too, grow and change, just as a tree. Your roots are deep, and you value them. It's the branches you are working on. Some branches reach high, others don't. Some stay close to the base, others branch out far and into unknown territory. This tree of life is you. Your relationship with Cam is something you miss now, but could be the beginning of a new branch, a new chapter, a new beginning.
I know that's the last thing a person who just went through a break up wants to hear, but I want you to look back on this post three months, six months, nine months, and a year from now, and measure what has changed. It can be that you didn't cry today, this week, this month. It could be that you've flirted with someone or focused on taking care of you more and taking time to foster your talents. Whatever it is, I know you are determined, hard working, and one strong girl! Keep your chin up!