Sunday, December 05, 2010

The Need to Write

I find writing healing, and I see the changes when I don't write. This week has been tough. I didn't write, and I haven't been reading either. (which is just as important to me). I've felt a bit lost. I am scared of the feeling. I'm scared the depression is seeping back, and I don't want it to. I'm not having a great time with my job. It's affecting the way I am, and I need a way to fix this. I worked a lot this week, at both jobs. I work, and working is fine, it keeps me busy and keeps me happy. Well one job does -the other one makes me sad that at 30, that's where I am. Either way, they both make me busy. Being home and not busy is when I stop. I shut down. I hate leaving the house, and have missed out on things. I need to go grocery shopping, and I need to start Christmas shopping, and I NEEDED to buy Cam a birthday present, and I didn't get anything done. I went into the weekend fearing that maybe I hadn't fought off the depression as well as I had hoped.

I like where I am right now. I like the town, I love the boyfriend, I love my pets. We've made ourselves a home in this town. I wish I could get more of a sense of belonging though. I also wish that this town has more opportunities for me. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life going to school, and getting my education because it hasn't helped.

This seems like a wasted post. I hate writing them when I'm down because although most of my blogs aren't the happiest because of the past, I want them to also be encouraging. I want to write them with the sense that I am going places, and that things will improve. -Which they will, but not as quick as I'd like them.

I want to write period. I wish I had the self discipline to sit and finish all of the writings I've started in the past. I want to try to make it into a career somehow. That would be the ultimate dream.

I think it will be to exhausting to write about my grandmother. It will happen though. I need to head to bed. I am a fan of sleep, it seems like I need it.

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