Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Where am I going?

Well, I didn't stay off facebook very long, but I did make it until Thursday. I woke up this morning to a text from Nehal. She was letting me know it has been two weeks since I last posted. Thanks Nehal. (By the way, this is the same girl I texted from the toilet when I found out I was pregnant). My encourager. (relentless encourager).

I have opened up this page MANY times in the past two weeks. I don't know what stops me from writing, but something does. I don't think it's writer's block. Fear possibly. Fear that even though it feels great to do this, I want more from it -and I'm not sure I'll get it.

I've received good feedback about what I've been writing. It's nice to hear, and sooner than later, I will get back to my story of the past. I haven't given myself enough time tonight though. I guess it was easier to go through the miscarriage, than the things after. I guess depression is hard to describe, and in my case, not that interesting.

I am just feeling stuck right now. I'm not depressed anymore, but I can feel it sometimes. My biggest problem right now is my job -which should not be a cause for depression (to me). I just wish I knew where I was going at the age of 30 -or even better, that I was already there.

Growing up, I didn't really have a definite plan of what I would do when I was grown up. I wanted to be a famous actress. I wanted to be rich and famous. I wanted to be in love. I did want to be a writer as I got into my teens (a famous writer), and I probably thought that would be easier than it is. I don't know how to be a writer and make money now. The two don't go hand in hand.

The only time I felt like I was finally in a career was at the radio station, and I miss that feeling of belonging somewhere.

I guess the reason I took a break from my writing was because I get frustrated about where I am in my life. It's incredibly sad to me that I don't have a family, I'm not a mom, and I don't have a career to blame on the way my life is. If I was travelling, that would be different, but I'm not even doing that. I can't afford it.

So that's why you haven't heard from me. I'm having a feeling sorry for me moment (that's lasted a few weeks). Maybe writing this will help though. I can get back on track and continue writing every day.

Until tomorrow. (or the next time).

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