Resolutions

I don't think I did this last year. I didn't write them on my blog. I did do resolutions in my journal. The first one was to get out of bed every morning. It was vital to me that I didn't end up the way I was after the miscarriage. And... I succeeded. There were other resolutions - goals - but that was the first one on the list.

So I did them again this year. I've slowly been adding to the list for a couple of days now. I've already written them in my journal, but I want to share them on here as well. Maybe saying I'm going to do something in a place that people may or may  not read will force me to follow through.

These aren't in order of importance, they aren't really in any order at all. Just the way I wrote them in my journal.

• This year, I will be more social. 
• This includes seeing my friends more
• Making new friends.
• Maybe put my book down at work every once in a while, and mingle with co-workers
• Basically, stop my anti-social tendencies (Quick, related story, while I had planned to do nothing on New Year's Eve, my landlord (she lives upstairs) invited me up for a get together with her friends... I soooo wanted to be anti-social and stay home and write, but though if I broke this resolution coming into the New Year, it would be a pretty bad sign.)
• This year I will read more.
• I can't read when I have the TV on. I can't concentrate. Ironically, I don't really have TV, just shows on DVD. So if I slow down on those (which I've seen more than once), I can spend more time in books. I'm excited about this one. All books.

•  I'll write more. (a constant resolution/goal). I will stop procrastinating from the thing I love.
• Write about books I've read
• Write in my journal
• Blog
• Fiction
• I will save money. No explanation needed. Learning how to budget is pretty much needed.
• I will continue to eat healthy and exercise
• No fast food unless it's a road trip
• Walk and exercise

• I want to learn new things. Expand myself. I know I can read, and I know I can write. I want to learn about those things I hated in school. Math, history, everything. I know I can do it, I just didn't want to before. 
• I want to have no regrets. I want to go into 2014 being completely happy with my choices, and completely happy with 2013. I don't want to have a moment where I'm upset with the year. It's not the year, it's me.
• I'm going to work harder. At everything. Actual work, relationships, writing, life.
• I resolve to never drink tequila again (unless it's in Baja Rosa). It does me no good. I'm done with my old friend.
• I'm going to listen more to my friends, and be there for them. 
• I'm going to talk about how I'm feeling. To people... not just to a blog (passive aggressive and all).
• Last... I'm going to let go of the past and move on. Live in the present, and let go of any anger, pain or sadness I have.
• Worry less. Maybe a year without a panic attack.

That's it. That's enough. I've got my work cut out for me.

Until next time. Happy 2013.

Defined by Now

I've been meaning to write this entry for a while. In fact, for so long, that I really feel like I should write out what I want to say first. I have more than one thing I want to talk about, and I'm worried it will end up as it always does, all mixed together with no real start or ending, or point. That being said, I didn't write it down, so looks like I'm going to be consistent at least.

I need to change things up in this blog writing. The reason I started writing it again was for one reason only. I thought miscarriage was a taboo subject, and I wanted to talk about my experience, and make it not taboo. I wanted to share my pain, my depression, my learning, and my growth from my experience. 

It felt good to put it out there, but things changed. It went from a blog about miscarriage to a blog about my past. That's fine. It's my blog, and my life (as the blog title says), but I sometimes forgot to focus on the good, and the healing I was doing. 

I told the story from my miscarriage on, which included a year from hell with death and depression.  I was stuck in the past in my writing, and I don't know that it was doing me any good. I'm sure it was. I have yet to read the past blog entries (mostly because I don't want to go through it again right now, and also because I don't want to catch all the grammatical and spelling errors I know are there).

I tried to be uplifting (at times) and talk about how much better I was. Then I moved to Saskatoon, and things were looking better. Except Cameron and I broke up, and while I was still dealing with that, he was killed, and frankly, I feel like in the past year and a half I've been through a lot. Add the other years that I've been writing about sadness, loss and depression, and you get one depressing blog.

So I'm sorry to everybody who has suffered through this with me. I'm also sorry to myself because I feel like I've done this wrong. Yes I needed to talk about how I was feeling, but I can't DEFINE myself by sadness and loss. I've been through a shit time, and in my opinion, had to deal with more than I think is fair. I'm not the only one. Bad stuff happens all the time, you just need to look at the latest school shooting for proof of that. What those families are going through -worse than anything I could even imagine.

Things happen, and not for a reason. They happen because of choices people make. And it is what I want it to be, or I make it out to be that will be the outcome. And I no longer want to be defined by the crap in my past. I want to look at my present and future. 

More at the present though. I've never really  been very good at that. I feel like too much of my time has been spent feeling sad about the past, reminiscing about the past, or pondering where I'll be in the future. It's a waste of time. I don't know where I'll be in the future. I make choices in a second, and probably won't even feel the same way as I do today then I will in the morning about life. The present however... that's right now, right here. I know there are times in my life that I haven't worried about the past or the future. I think most of those moments were spent traveling, when I knew I would never be there again.

I'll never be here again either. I need to define myself by right now, not by the tragedies of the past (or future). 

In that same mind set, I'm done with anniversaries of the past. I will always remember Cameron. That won't change. I don't need his death anniversary to be sad about losing him. I know when it is, and that's it. If I do decide to do something, hopefully next year it will be writing with no drinking. As I've frequently learned, drinking away pain, mostly gives you added pain in the morning, and the older I get, the more I realize how unhelpful it has been. HOWEVER - the drinking thing is a topic for a whole other day, but believe me, I have some things to say about it.

I'll still be writing, and I'm sure the past and the future will come up, but hopefully in a way that helps me deal with things better, and maybe people can learn from my past. (how not to deal with death...)

Okay. That's it for now. I plan to ring in the New Year writing. I'm sure I'll write a blog entry that night, but it doesn't matter to me what kind of writing, as long as that's what I'm doing somewhere around New Year. I'm going to define myself through my brilliant writing. (Not in the blog... this blog isn't brilliant, it's me, grammatical errors and all.)

Until next time.

October

"October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month! Let's take some time to remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. Baby loss is still a taboo subject.  Break the silence. "


Honestly, that's all I'm going to say about it right now. It just feels like I should put this up because the statement I agree with is that it is a taboo subject, and it is good to mention. I didn't change my status though because I hate anything preachy on my status. Even if it's something I care about. Also, I'm pretty sure October is a month for so many different things... I kind of feel like there shouldn't be a month for this, people just shouldn't be scared to talk about their experiences. Including me. Which is why I started this blog to begin with.

This has been THE longest month. I'm exhausted, and I've had a bit of a bad weekend, so I really shouldn't be writing right now. However, the month will be over on Wednesday (thanks goodness), and I promised myself I would write this weekend. It's taken me all day, but here I am -writing. I planned to read and write all weekend, and haven't done either one until now (after midnight on Saturday.) I haven't really done any writing for most of this month though, and I'm feeling pretty guilty about that. I'm also trying to figure out how I've been keeping myself busy. Why wasn't I writing?

The person that I am currently in a long distance relationship with comes back for a visit at the end of November, so I have a feeling November might go pretty slowly as well. I start volunteering next week though (once a week), so hopefully that will help the time go quicker.

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel that I'm very good at long distance relationships, although maybe I'm just not good at relationships in general. I'm not very good at communicating at times. Or ever. Letting things out, isn't easy for me. In life, in my writing, in my fiction. I get things out matter of fact type, but am not good at saying how I'm feeling, or putting emotion in my writing. It's something I need to work on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on the long distance thing, I'm just admitting I am not very good at it. Once again -that's all I'm going to say about the relationship thing. It's part of my life, so I want to mention it, but I don't want to talk too much about it. Especially for the reason already mentioned, if I can't tell him what I'm feeling, I'm not going to tell the world. (Haha... or the two readers I have...)

I was thinking about the miscarriage the other day. It seems so small now. It took me SO long to get over it, but really part of the reason it took me so long was because I didn't deal with it for such a long time. I didn't know how to deal with it, and I didn't understand it. I still don't really understand it, but I have dealt with it (for the most part), and it feels like Cameron's death was harder. Also, I guess I wasn't just dealing with the baby (fetus) loss, but also the death of two grandparents that year.

However, when Cam died, I had learned from my past mistakes of not dealing. I made sure to let people know when I was sad, get counseling, and not be 'fine' if I wasn't. Now, 10 months in, it's still hard. I don't talk about it as much because it is ten months in, but the truth is, I miss him. I wish my friend was around to call and talk to. Things weren't always perfect with us, but that's why we weren't together, and just friends in the end. Maybe I'm sick of talking about it. I feel like all I do lately is whine about missing him, or about missing long distance boyfriend (because I really miss them both -in two completely different ways).

So, that's it for now. I've done my annual Miscarriage Awareness entry.

Hopefully next time, I will have a better and more grateful attitude. :)

OH OH... speaking of the grateful thing. We had our first snow fall last week. I should have written then! So great! My favourite day of the year.

E

Thanks Givings

It's been a while since I've sat down and wrote an actual blog post. I don't know why. Laziness? The inability to describe my thoughts? The inability to figure out what I'm feeling and why? 

Sometimes, fiction is the way to go. Or to escape my own reality completely and read a book. (I haven't done much of that either.)

Things are about to change again. September was a bit of a write-off when considering all the goals and stuff I'm working on. I was moving, and trying to spend every spare moment with a guy who was leaving. He's gone now, and I'm sad, but that's not why I'm writing. I think I've managed to not make this a romance blog (mostly because I haven't had a lot since starting this, and when I have, it hasn't really ended well.) 

This particular relationship hasn't ended, it's just gone long distance for now... I hope anyway, we didn't really discuss the future. The longer he's gone, the more insecure I am feeling. (He's been gone less than a week, so I better get that under control as well). I also found out that I'm pretty much on edge anytime somebody I care about is driving somewhere. Doesn't take much to figure out why, but I really feel better when i know all is good.

I apparently needed to get that out. I was meaning to write about why I've been MIA lately. The last two weeks of September were spent house hopping, while waiting to move to my new house (basement suite). The house I was in, seemed to be taken over by mice, and while I'm not really afraid of mice: it turns out I am. Just another fear I can work on. Although, if I stay away from mouse infested houses, I won't really have to worry about it. Long story short, it's not easy to read and write when you are staying at two different places. So I didn't. I wrote a little at the guy's house. Actually, I'm pretty happy that I'm comfortable enough to do that. I'm not that comfortable everywhere. 

Now he's gone, and I am without roommates so I'm hoping to get a lot more writing done. 

I have also re-started my diet and exercise routine. The laziness had to end sometime. I started counting calories on October 1st, and have some how managed to last 7 days even with Thanksgiving. I've been walking a lot, which is the number one solution to calm my nerves. I just have to remind myself of that on weekends.

Next, as it is Thanksgiving, It's time to talk about what I'm thankful for. Goes with the grateful category, and I have to tell you, I have not been feeling nearly grateful enough lately. I need to stop being pouty, and start appreciating ALL that I have. Because I have a lot. I'm so lucky that my family is mine, and that we all love, respect, and enjoy each other's company. I'm lucky to have my friends near and far.

Also, last year, I was thankful to be celebrating Nehal's wedding. I'm still thankful for that, and so glad that we are friends, and she has so many great things to look forward to after her year of marriage. (And I look forward to them as well).

So that's it. Grateful to be alive because that's really what it's all about. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Shortest post ever

Goals in my 32nd year.

1) Write a book.
2) Learn how to cook healthy, and make soup.

That's it.

Goodbye 31

I'm going to be 32 in two and a half hours. I don't really think 32 is old anymore -I don't know what is old. I do think that even though I've done a lot in my life I'm proud of, I still have so many things I think I should have at this age. I think I should be able to afford a car. I should be able to live alone. I should have written something meaningful by now. I should have somebody to love me, and of course, the thing I think is so important, and every birthday it feels farther away is having kids. Interesting how I didn't even want kids 5 years ago. Now for some reason, I'm stuck in the mind-set that kids are a defining thing in life.

I am so proud of myself. I've done a lot in my life. More than once, I've gotten onto a plane and travelled somewhere all by myself with no fear., and that's just the start of my bravery. I just haven't done any of that lately.

This past year has been all about surviving (hell, the past few years have). I haven't had a lot of time to focus on fun, and adventure, and I hope I can do more of that while I'm in my 32nd year of life. I'm proud of myself for the surviving as well, I just need a break.

So -now in less than two hours (it doesn't really take me this long to do a blog entry, I just get distracted easily), I will be 32. Here are things I want for 32.

I want to write without thinking about what it will become. I want to write for me.

I want to be volunteer. I think it'll make me happier in my job as well. My job isn't helping people, but that doesn't mean I can't help people. I will start by October.

I want to accept where I am in life. With kids or without. With somebody who loves me or without. I know who I am, and am confident. I need to stop letting the things I don't have define me.

I want to continue looking and being my best. (gym and eating healthy).

That's all. These are important, and will take most of the year to figure out (or more).

Writing

A lot has been going on lately. And I'm actually feeling pretty stressed out about it, and pretty nervous about life.

However, that's not what I want to write about. I want to write about my writing. Mostly fiction. I love writing. I have no problem writing here or in my journal, but for some reason I'm not so good at working on my novel. Once I start, the words are there, but it's the starting I'm terrible at.

I had a thought today. What if it's because I'm scared of failure. I mean, I've wanted to be a writer for most of my life (from about 8 years old). The older I get, the farther away it feels I'm getting from being a published writer. Other than short stories, I haven't been able to write it. It's FOR lack of trying. I focused on the short stories most of my early adulthood, and then I stopped writing for a while, and when I restarted it was non-fiction... and this blog.

Why aren't I writing? Why aren't I deciding my future by working and finishing the novel I've been talking about writing for years? Possible fear of failure? I mean... once I write it, that's awesome. However there's a difference between writing a novel, and writing a novel that gets read or published. I can't see myself announcing to the world, "I wrote a book!" but not being able to publish it. Writing is the one thing I love doing, and the one thing I know I can do. (ignoring the not so good grammar/spelling mistakes). Maybe the novel has taken this long because I'm afraid I'm not good ENOUGH.

Terrible thoughts right? I have made an effort most of my life to not think like that. To be positive about my future, and where I'll go, and where I'll end up. I do things usually with one goal, not to quit. I don't always try new things, but I try as many things as I can. When I do try them, I do my best and I hate when I give up. I still regret my failed bungee jumping experience. (failed as in, I didn't do it). I look back at that moment and it's a failure in my eyes. That's not saying I'll try it again, it's just saying, I should have taken advantage of the opportunity to do something unforgettable.

I've had certain people in my life at times say they're not surprised that I didn't do it (or they are surprised I've done other 'risky'/'scary' things). Those people bother me, but I guess I have nobody to blame for their impressions but myself. I mean... I think I do put on the appearance that I'm scared of life. The thing they don't realise is that being scared of life doesn't mean you don't live it... it just means you fight through the fear.

Look at that... I just figured out how to solve my problem. Yeah, I'm scared of failing at writing, I just have to fight through the fear.

Problem solved. I'll let you know when I finish writing it, and when it's published.

A year ago

It's done. The year of me remembering what I was doing with Cameron at any point the previous year. It's done. The Banff trip with his family, the trip to BC, the move to Saskatoon, all the things we did in Saskatoon while he was visiting. 

Now is a whole new anniversary. It's when we stopped doing things together.
 http://erinlm.blogspot.ca/2011/08/break-up.html

I wrote that at the end of August, but we broke up around this time. I don't know the exact date, but I do know we were slowly getting to our breaking point, and it could have been a year ago today. It's not the last time in the year we saw each other, and it's not the last time we spoke to each other. I have those memories as well, but it was the end of us as a couple. Not the end of us as friends, but we didn't really have any more adventures together after that. So, my flashbacks of what we were doing a year ago are done. 

It slowly became less about us, and more about me finding out who I was again. It's so easy to forget. Truth be told, it wasn't a good year. I ate too much, I drank too much, I was depressed, I was broke, I made mistakes, and I had a rash. I think the rash was caused by stress and unhappiness, but I don't have proof of that. I still spoke to Cameron, and I missed him. I was slowly learning that I could do it all on my own (and that I always could).

It wasn't until the new year, that I actually started doing things for myself, living a better life, and being happy. I don't want to jinx it, and I hate to say it because of what was lost, but it's been a good year so far. (no rash). I'm writing a lot. I'm spending time with people I enjoy, and I'm doing things by myself if I don't have friends around. I'm me again -just a new and different me (because as I've said before, I will never stop changing).

There are still things I need to work on, and still things that I may have to continue to address (possibly my whole life. ) I'd love to just be happy all the time, and never feel depression creeping in. However, I don't think that's going to happen. I think it's something I have to fight for (or fight against), and I will. I'll also continue to win. I kept myself really  busy this weekend (which may be why I'm so exhausted this week), and I know it was in defense of myself. Instead of sleeping all day, I went for walks, went to plays, and got out of the house. More to that story, but I don't really feel like going into it yet. (or ever).

Anyway, this is not an anniversary to celebrate. It's just something that happened a year ago today (or close to), and I think the year following it has been such a roller coaster of events and emotions. I'm hoping for life and emotions to slow down a little. Let me enjoy it.

To the next writing project...

A good ending!

I hate bad endings. That being said, my books will probably not be uplifting endings, but not bad either. (I'll let you know if I ever get to the end). Either way, last blog entry was not a happy ending.

So, even though I don't know if anybody who read it will come back and read again, just to let you  know, this morning, I got out of bed. I socialised, I cleaned up (showered, shaved my legs, washed my hair), and I had a cup of coffee.

I had a friend cancel plans to Fringe with me. So I came by myself. I brought my 'new-to-me' laptop, and I've been watching street performers, eating delicious street food, looking at things I'd love to buy, and I even went to a hilarious play by myself. Also, I'm writing. I've stopped at two pubs (one patio, one rooftop), had a beer in each, and have been writing. Things are good. My heart is light.

That's it. Back to writing, and looking like an eccentric writer. Got my head phones in as well, so I'm happy as hell.

By the way, the break from fb, is only half in effect. I'm not so good at the quitting.

Taking a break

Some generous people (Cameron's parents), gave me a notebook computer that they don't have a need for anymore. This was the nicest thing ever, and I still am shocked and happy with this gift. So now, I can write at home. I can put my memories and photos here, and take care of my music.

Here are some things that I don't want to do: I don't want to waste my time on Facebook when I could be writing. I've made a lot of changes in my life, but here's the big one. Enough with fb. I'm actually getting frustrated with technology in general. I'm constantly checking my phone to see if I've got texts, or emails or phone calls (rarely phone calls). Why, when I need so much to be happy with who I am, and what I'm doing for me, does it bother me so much when I don't hear from people. I suck at independence, but am working at it.

So -I think I'm going to try to take a break from fb. Maybe go on once a week. I don't need to know what every body in the world is up to, and they don't need to know what I'm up to. I don't need to check Cameron's wall to see if anybody wrote anything. It's their memories, and it has nothing to do with me. They're writing to him because they miss him. I don't have to check my crush's Facebook to see what he's been up to (especially since he rarely updates). I don't need to make plans through fb. That's what my phone is for.

I've done this before -quit fb for a certain amount of time. That's not really my plan. I just need a break. I need to focus on reading and writing, and fb is getting in the way of that. (so is Pinterest). Stumble Upon, on the other hand, actually takes me to quite a lot of resourceful pages about writing. So I'll continue with that one. I'm not going to make any big announcement on fb, letting people know my plans to take a break. It's getting ridiculous. My 'fans' will find a way to contact me if they need to. (I don't know if I need to explain the 'fans' comment, but I'm not really that egotistical. I just think that I update my status and put pictures up for these people -they're friends, but still, it all gets taken too far.)

So, I will still update my blog because I find that to be pretty important lately. Plus I have to update on all my improvements in being a better person. I emailed somebody about volunteering today.  The thing about the blog is I feel like if I say something on here, I may follow through more than if I write it in my journal. (And while writing it on fb is actually helpful, the blog seems more low key.)

Okay. Going to read now. Then write. And then, I'm going to bed. I've had kind of  a long day, and I'm not feeling very well. I also feel like I need a good cry. I'll skip that and just have a good weekend. (starting tomorrow).

Actually. The truth is, I don't feel like I'm doing so well. I feel like I'm not fighting as hard as I should be right now, and maybe the depression is winning. I let it get the best of me today and tonight. Possibly the last couple of days. Tomorrow -I will win. And I'll also stop saying tomorrow and just say now. There's no point in making plans for the future if I'm not going to work on the today.

Awesome

I had my yearly review yesterday for work. It was all good. I don't need to go into it, but basically my boss said I was still doing great, and told me about the annual upcoming raise. (Also my first raise, other than the three month raise at the start). Basically, I was feeling pretty good. Sometimes I get frustrated with my job. It seems slow, and at times, I wish I had a job that actually helped people. As I've made mention before, I've been a bit concerned about money as well. None of that is really important because I can deal with it. That's what people do, they deal with things.  Either way, it gave me a bit of relief knowing things would stay stable for the time being. (Also, made me realise that my anxious need to go somewhere, see something, and do something new would have to hold off for a bit).

I was telling somebody about my review, and he said it's always nice to be told we're awesome. He was right, but at the same time, today, the happiness has worn off a little, and I haven't been feeling awesome today. Maybe that's a good thing. It's not. Feeling not awesome, isn't really good, but somebody telling me I am or am not awesome, doesn't really make a big difference unless I'm feeling good about myself. (Not that I don't like being appreciated.)

I feel like I've been falling short on things lately. These ups and downs are getting fucking ridiculous.

So long blog short, I need to do things for myself so I can feel awesome. Here are things I need to do:

• As mentioned in my last blog entry, I need to write. I'm so sick of thinking of myself as a writer, and imagining myself with a published book. Either I do it, or I don't. I'd like to do it. So while blogging and journalling, are great, I also need to work on writing for publishing. I don't know how, but try try again, right?
• I really need to get less lazy. I was doing so good with exercising. Three to four times a week was my goal, but this summer it's gone down hill. Not going to the gym is fine, but I need to exercise somehow. I don't want to go back to how I was. I've never felt more happy or confident when I knew I was exercising and doing something healthy for myself. I went on some nice long walks on the weekend, and felt great. However, I haven't done enough this week. (As I write this, it's pouring rain out, so the gym would be a good idea for tonight if I didn't already have plans.)
• I need to go back to eating healthy and saying no to crap. No need to go further with this one. I know how I've been eating. While it's fine to cheat sometimes (because refusing deliciousness is depressing), I need to decide specifically when I can eat bad, and when I can't.
• I need to budget. I've already started, but my god... I'm 31. If I don't learn soon, I'll never learn. Now is the time. (for everything).
• This one is something that's been on my list for quite a while, but I'd really like to volunteer. I was worried I wouldn't be able to because I'd have to get a second job, but that's sorted now, so I should find somethign I love, and volunteer.
• This is my last one, and it's hardest to explain. I need to learn how to talk to people about how I'm feeling. When I miss Cameron, I write it here, for the world I don't know to read (or passively for people I know to read), or I write to him in my journal. What I don't do is say it out loud. I could tell so many people, but I worry that they'll think I'm not getting over it, or see me as less strong than I should be. If I'm feeling sad because my friend died before Christmas, I should be able to talk about it.

That being said, I do miss Cameron, and that's a constant. I wish with all my heart that I could phone him, tell him about my day, and listen to his advice (that I most likely wouldn't have asked for). I want to tell him about new friends, my new relationship, or gossip about old friends. But I can't. And that's tough as hell.

Okay, I should go. I'm running out of things to say, and have other things I need to do. I need to start working on the awesome, feel good list.

The time is now. (I really wish I'd stop saying that, but it just seems to fit absolutely everything.)

Goals

I've decided to bribe myself with my fiction writing. It seems absolutely horrible that I have to bribe myself to do something I love, but I am a procrastinator, and I've found what will be a solution. As I wrote a while ago, my laptop (notebook computer) crashed, and will not be revived. This is one of the reasons I've had such a hard time writing. As great as having a journal is, I'm not a fan of writing fiction in the journal. However, I'll have to do that for now. And to 'reward' myself for writing, I'm going to save money for a laptop. I'm paying myself to write. Everyday I write, money will go towards a new laptop. Hopefully, this will work because I'm sick of calling myself a writer, and then not writing. I need to stop saying I'm going to write a novel, and write a novel. Now is the time.

That's it. I have more to say, but that's it for right now.

Miss my best friend

I think this says it all. I found this on Pinterest, and it was too good not to post. The link from Pinterest was http://www.polyvore.com/tumblr/thing?id=25678037 . I don't like to post things unless I know where they come from -especially on here.

I really liked it, and it really hit home.

I don't really have a  lot to say right now. I don't have the time today. I notice my blog is getting a lot of hits through Stumble Upon. I quite enjoy Stumble Upon, but can't figure out what category my blog comes up in.

Oh well.

Until next time,
Erin

100

I think I should organize my thoughts before writing. I never do though. Sometimes I scribble short form thoughts on a piece of paper. In fact, I still have the one from the last entry in front of me. I should throw that out.

For lack of a better title, this one is called 100 -because it's my 100th entry since I started this blog many years ago. I've been on and off ever since. Mostly on for the past few months. We all know why. (unless you just stumbled upon this blog entry.) I'm sure I'll get to 200 in no time. (haha... maybe?)

My trip to Whitecourt was as I expected... an emotional effing roller coaster. I was up and down. I'm  hoping I appeared to be mostly up because I was. That was the plan -don't let anybody in. I know -great plan for sanity. The good news is, I'm essentially telling the whole world now (the whole world reads this right?), so I only bottled it up the weekend. Also, it's important to note that I was not a sad sap the entire weekend. I had a good time, I just had 'teary' moments. I was more up than down -which is the only way to live life.

Strange that my year anniversary in Saskatoon was spent in the place I left a year ago.

I decided to leave work 20 minutes early on Friday so I could get the rest of my things packed, and go to pick up my wedding/road trip date. I had just said good bye to a friend, and was packing up my purse when I got a text from Cameron's mom. She told me something about Karmen that made me smile, followed with news that Cameron's house had sold. I knew it was up for sale. When it happened, she told me how hard it was to do that final step. Even though she told me how she was feeling, I didn't get it. Until she sent me that text on Friday. Everything stopped for a moment, and it's all I could think about. Cameron's house isn't his anymore because he's not coming back.

So, I quickly said goodbye to everyone else, and headed out because I knew I was going to cry. Luckily I had my huge sunglasses on to hide it from the world. I'm actually not sure when the last time was that I just let myself cry about what I've lost. I know it's good to cry, but sometimes, I'd rather smile and continue on. Fake it. So I got as much out as I had time for, and went to pick up my date.

Sometimes, I feel like I'd like to tell him how I'm feeling. There were so many times on the weekend, that I just wanted to let somebody (him) in. The moment never seemed right. I didn't tell him I was sad about the house selling, and I didn't tell him when we passed the spot Cameron's accident happened -either time. That highway stresses me out. It makes me sad and scared and confused about how it all happened. It makes me angry as well. That's a lot of emotions to have while driving. Probably things I should have said out loud.

Either way, I made it. I gave him the tour of Whitecourt, including the sold blue house. The wedding was a nice and happy event, and as usually it was lovely to see old co-workers and friends. (the ones I hadn't deleted of facebook -that was awkward). I had one emotional moment at the reception, but it was fine. I was fine. That's what I do... I get through it.

It was nice to visit the town, and see it through somebody else's eyes. I took him to all the important spots -my favourite restaurants, the river, my condo, the wedding spots, all my past jobs, and the strip club... all very important to see while in Whitecourt. The only thing we missed out on was a walk on the trails and a tube down the river, but there was really no time at all for that.

That's done. Now I'm trying to get back on track with my eating well and exercising. So far, I've had something to do on Monday and today, so have not made it to the gym. It's on the list. Along with work on my novel.

In other news Taste of Saskatchewan is on this week, and it makes me love this town. The weekend break from Saskatoon mixed with all the fabulous summer events are what I needed. Although I wouldn't mind another break to someplace new. It's on the list as well.

Okay. Gotta go.

Restless

I'm getting that feeling. The restless feeling. I'm sorry to any friends from Saskatoon reading this because usually when I get this feeling, I start looking at other places. I can actually guarantee that's not going to happen any time soon -unless I win the lottery. I heard you have to buy tickets to win the lottery, so I'm out.

I'm trying to make Saskatoon my home, but at times I just have the urge to get out and see what's left in the world. I'm flighty. It may or may not be a good quality. It's probably because I'm coming up on my year anniversary here. It's freaking me out. I love it. I love my family and friends being close, I love my job... I just feel like I'm missing out on everything else. It used to be, when I felt like this, I would just plan a trip somewhere... but I'm trying to dig myself out of debt (I will not be speaking about this other than the 'I'm broke whining'), and vacations don't help with that. I felt this in Whitecourt, but it was different. I over-stayed my welcome in a town I didn't enjoy. I was there too long, and it was my own fault I didn't leave.

Long story short, this feeling isn't anything new, it's just something I'm feeling right now. I'm very much looking forward to any sort of trip out of Saskatoon, just for something new. I went to Biggar, Saskatchewan with my family yesterday, and loved driving on the highway, and hanging out at the small town pizza place.

Now, speaking of my year anniversary, I'd really like this next year to be full of fun, and not full of drama... in fact, that's my one goal right now. More smiling and laughing, less worrying. Less roller coaster of emotions would be freaking fantastic.

I'm headed to Whitecourt this weekend -actually tomorrow night. Unlike last time, when I went up with my mom, I am feeling no stress at all, and quite calm about it. It helps that I was reminded last time of all the things I enjoyed while there, and I'm also going up for a wedding. Wedding's aren't sad events. I'm going up with a certain somebody who I am not willing to speak about on this blog yet. I am excited to make the trip with him, and share the beauty of Whitecourt with somebody. Also nice to have somebody to dance with at the wedding (until he discovers what a bad dancer I am.) It will be nice to spend time with him and my old co-workers from the radio station. All in all, it should be a great weekend, I just need to find time to see everybody who won't be at the wedding.

Also, getting out of town may help with the 'restlessness'. Even if it's back to the place I left a year ago.

Tooth ache/Heart Aches

I just found a wonderful quote from Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery. I'll write it, and then go on to the normal stuff... life.
"But Anne, a broken heart in real life isn't as dreadful as it is in books. It's a good deal like a bad tooth...though you won't think that a very romantic simile. It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy as if there were nothing the matter with it."

I just found it interesting. I could probably quote L.M. Montgomery all day long. She's brilliant.

Will write more later.

So much to say...

It will have to wait until another day though.

I've just run out of time. Just know... I've been meaning to write.

Important things people say

I've been trying to write down things people are saying to me lately that stick with me, or things I hear. Not things on the Internet: Facebook or Pinterest. As well meaning and nice as some of those are, I can just repin it and be done with it. This is real people saying things that inspire me or ring true. I just have to remember them now so I can share them. I have three for today. They all have stories as to how I heard them, but the stories aren't as important.

Before I write anymore, I'll just apologize for the bad sentence structure/grammar. I've been getting up early to go to the gym, and haven't quite gotten used to morning yet. I have no excuse for all the other entries with the same problem. Other than, it's my blog, I'll mistake if I want to (like the song). Also, this may take the whole morning to write, as I'm at work, and I'm actually pretty busy. Unfortunately, it's when I'm busy, that I get the urge to write about random quotes/things.

I think I'll start from the most recent and go backwards. This one came from a 4-6 year old (I have no idea how to tell the age of kids). I was at the park with my friends and their kids. (because it would be pretty weird if I was there alone.) We were playing around, as there were not a whole lot of other people there. There was monkey bars, and some other strange spinning monkey bars. They were a circle, you grab on, spin to the next one, and grab on to it... repeat repeat. I decided to try it. (even though, I can touch the ground... barely). This little boy came over to help me out. (I didn't know him). He told me how it worked, and I got ready to go. Then I asked him, "What happens if I fall?" I was expecting him to tell me it would be okay because I was landing on wood chips, and it wouldn't hurt. Instead he said, "Then you try again." I realise this analogy isn't exactly new. We've all heard it ... 'try try again'. For some reason it means more when it comes from a kid. They don't really know fear, and if they do, they shouldn't. All I'm saying, is if you need advice... go to a five year old. They'll tell you the honest truth, and won't stop to care what you've been through or why you're afraid. I feel like even though the actual task has nothing to do with the advice I got, I should share how I did... I have no upper arm strength. Lesson learned. I did make it all the way across, just had a bit of trouble with my landing.

The second bit of advice/thing that stuck with me came from a 31 year old man. I'm getting advice from children to adults. This particular advice has a story, but I'm not really going into it. Suffice to say (suffice it to say?), there was something I wanted, and wouldn't ask for it. Finally when I did, he commented and said, "Don't be shy. If you want something, take it." It's just interesting how that simplified everything. I hate asking for help, I hate asking for things, and I am much better at waiting and hoping than actually doing. Maybe it's the year for more doing, and less hoping. I'm glad that we had the conversation. He seems to know me well enough to suggest that I get over my shyness. (Or, get over myself). Anyway, that one is short and to the point.

The next one wasn't something somebody said to me. I have a friend who did a documentary about a hockey player killed in a head on collision. Obviously, car accident deaths strike a bit of a nerve (I can't even watch them on television). While speaking to one of the hockey player on the team, the player said, "Tough to have a bad day when you have a team-mate who can't play anymore." (I'm para-phrasing). Perspective from a teenager -or young adult (not sure again). I wrote that one down and put it on my desk. I've had too many bad days, when I should be having good days. All it takes is a bit of an attitude adjustment.

So... get up and try again, take what I want, and stop having bad days. Recipe to life? I think so.

E

Tributes

I am lucky. Some days I forget that because of the ups and downs in the past. I am lucky that I have so many great people in my life, and so many great role models.

Two of those role models are my Grandmas. My Grandma McCrea was my favourite person - hands down. Nobody could beat her, and I think I'm safe in saying a lot of people felt that way. She was always there for me, she listened to me, and gave me advice. She was a strong and confident woman. I can only hope I turn out to be like her. As I've already written about, she passed away a few years ago, and it was a devastating loss for the entire family. She lived life to the fullest, and lived a good long life full of laughter and family.

Grandma Burton was also strong. In my opinion, she did more than most woman aspired to at her age. She met my grandpa at University, and graduated with a Geology degree. I think that's pretty cool. I'm not sure how long she worked in the field, she eventually settled down on the farm with my Grandpa and did what she loved. She raised her children, and taught them how important family is. Grandma Burton never minced words. She said what she thought, and expected greatness from her kids and grand kids.  She was proud of us. Grandma is my only living grandparent, but she's had Alzheimers for a number of years, and it breaks my heart to see her lose her memories. She's still fighting though, and is still a strong and stubborn lady.

If I'm half of what these two woman were, I'm well on my way to the greatness Grandma Burton expected from me. They passed their fierceness on to the next generations.

This year, I have been lucky enough to participate in two events fighting for a cause of the diseases that have taken them from me.

My mom, my sister and I walked in "The Walk for Memories" in January this year. We raised money for it, and than walked for Alzheimer's research. I had many people support me and donate money for my cause. It made me happy, not only to be able to do it, but to have the support and back up to help me raise money and do the walk. (I am forever grateful to my support network).

On Friday, I will be doing the Relay for Life. This is my second time doing it, but I have a feeling, this one will be great. I'm walking with co-workers, and have already bought a Luminary in memory of Velma McCrea (my grandmother). Once again, so many people have donated money for my fundraising, and it just feels so good to have the help in doing this. 

These are both great tributes to two of the strongest women I know.

I'm still trying to find a way to make a tribute for Cameron. I'll know it when I find it. His family asked that donations be made to World Vision. I haven't done that yet, but will. There's got to be more though...

I don't know. Those are my thoughts for the day. I just had the need to write, so I thought I'd talk about my inspirations: Velma McCrea and Joyce Burton.

Until next time.

Super Hero Status

I was sick last week. I posted that already. I wrote on the day I was feeling most sick, and most... whiny. I was frustrated, and not just because I found out that I don't have a super hero immune system. (Although, that's still bugging me). I was upset because being sick is something I was not able to control.

Lately, I've been all about getting control in my life. I like to know what's going on with me, and I like to have a plan (if only a day at a time plan). I didn't like my weight and how I was feeling about myself, I started counting calories and going to the gym. Granted, I had already begun to lose weight before that, but I've learned a lot about how much control I have over my weaknesses. The same goes for my mood. If I'm in a bad mood, I work on getting out of it. Sometimes, it takes longer than I'd like to get that black cloud away from me, and sometimes I know I need time to feel sad, or mad, or anxious. Then, I move on. Life is just so much better when I'm happy, and knowing that makes all the difference in the world. So long story short, when I got sick, and wasn't able to get rid of it with pure will-power, sleep and vitamins, I was really frustrated.

So not quite super hero last week, but close enough this week.

I'm better now. I didn't do it on my own though. I had to get a prescription to solve my ear infection -however, it was obviously pure will-power that fixed the rest of it... it just took a week longer than I had planned.

This may be way I have such a hatred for the phrase "Everything happens for a reason." I feel as though I'm the one who makes things happen, and when it doesn't go the way I planned, it's just because crap happens. If you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change your outlook, and deal with it. I could go on forever about things happening for a reason, and what those reasons are, and they all sound like stupid life lessons, that have more to do with me, and not Divine intervention.

During my week of feeling sorry for myself and being sick, I wasn't able to go to the gym. This week, I've made up for it. I went for an hour on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and loved almost every minute of it. I found it very therapeutic this week. It was a time to get lost in my thoughts and my music, and not worry about other people at all. I can't wait until Monday when I go for my next week of therapy :)

That's it. It's been the longest week ever, and I've had things going on in a lot of different areas. I've been feeling anxious about certain things, but I'm dealing with it, and if it's anything worth sharing, I will. Work has been crazy busy as well, but I'll be honest, I love the chaos!

Until next time.

E