Awesome

I had my yearly review yesterday for work. It was all good. I don't need to go into it, but basically my boss said I was still doing great, and told me about the annual upcoming raise. (Also my first raise, other than the three month raise at the start). Basically, I was feeling pretty good. Sometimes I get frustrated with my job. It seems slow, and at times, I wish I had a job that actually helped people. As I've made mention before, I've been a bit concerned about money as well. None of that is really important because I can deal with it. That's what people do, they deal with things.  Either way, it gave me a bit of relief knowing things would stay stable for the time being. (Also, made me realise that my anxious need to go somewhere, see something, and do something new would have to hold off for a bit).

I was telling somebody about my review, and he said it's always nice to be told we're awesome. He was right, but at the same time, today, the happiness has worn off a little, and I haven't been feeling awesome today. Maybe that's a good thing. It's not. Feeling not awesome, isn't really good, but somebody telling me I am or am not awesome, doesn't really make a big difference unless I'm feeling good about myself. (Not that I don't like being appreciated.)

I feel like I've been falling short on things lately. These ups and downs are getting fucking ridiculous.

So long blog short, I need to do things for myself so I can feel awesome. Here are things I need to do:

• As mentioned in my last blog entry, I need to write. I'm so sick of thinking of myself as a writer, and imagining myself with a published book. Either I do it, or I don't. I'd like to do it. So while blogging and journalling, are great, I also need to work on writing for publishing. I don't know how, but try try again, right?
• I really need to get less lazy. I was doing so good with exercising. Three to four times a week was my goal, but this summer it's gone down hill. Not going to the gym is fine, but I need to exercise somehow. I don't want to go back to how I was. I've never felt more happy or confident when I knew I was exercising and doing something healthy for myself. I went on some nice long walks on the weekend, and felt great. However, I haven't done enough this week. (As I write this, it's pouring rain out, so the gym would be a good idea for tonight if I didn't already have plans.)
• I need to go back to eating healthy and saying no to crap. No need to go further with this one. I know how I've been eating. While it's fine to cheat sometimes (because refusing deliciousness is depressing), I need to decide specifically when I can eat bad, and when I can't.
• I need to budget. I've already started, but my god... I'm 31. If I don't learn soon, I'll never learn. Now is the time. (for everything).
• This one is something that's been on my list for quite a while, but I'd really like to volunteer. I was worried I wouldn't be able to because I'd have to get a second job, but that's sorted now, so I should find somethign I love, and volunteer.
• This is my last one, and it's hardest to explain. I need to learn how to talk to people about how I'm feeling. When I miss Cameron, I write it here, for the world I don't know to read (or passively for people I know to read), or I write to him in my journal. What I don't do is say it out loud. I could tell so many people, but I worry that they'll think I'm not getting over it, or see me as less strong than I should be. If I'm feeling sad because my friend died before Christmas, I should be able to talk about it.

That being said, I do miss Cameron, and that's a constant. I wish with all my heart that I could phone him, tell him about my day, and listen to his advice (that I most likely wouldn't have asked for). I want to tell him about new friends, my new relationship, or gossip about old friends. But I can't. And that's tough as hell.

Okay, I should go. I'm running out of things to say, and have other things I need to do. I need to start working on the awesome, feel good list.

The time is now. (I really wish I'd stop saying that, but it just seems to fit absolutely everything.)