I find it extremely annoying to blog on my phone. So I'm doing it on my lunch break at work. Which is also a bit annoying because my job includes me staring at a computer all day, and I probably should be doing something other than staring at the computer on my lunch break.
Oh well. I've been thinking about this entry for over a week now, so I better get on it.
I was reading something the other day. Unfortunately, I can't tell you where I was reading it because for the first time ever, I didn't automatically write it down and send it to myself. It's just something that has stuck in my head.
I read that the thing people say that is usually a lie is "I'm fine." This may not be true. I have no idea, but I agree that it's so easy to say "I'm fine" instead of going into all the reasons you aren't fine.
I have a lot of people asking me how I am. I sometimes just say fine because I get the feeling they don't actually want to know my answer. I tell others how I actually am. This isn't to say I don't appreciate the question. It tells me that people care enough to ask, and I am so happy about the ones that are happy enough to take the time to hear the actual answer.
The truth is, I haven't been doing very well lately. I've been incredibly sad, and while I do have moments that I laugh and smile, for the most part -I'm sad. And I want to tell people that when they ask me how I am. I don't want to mislead them. At times though, I feel guilty. I feel like I should be fine, and I should be over it, or dealing with it better.
I guess I felt the same after Christmas. I had so many people ask the usual question, "How was your Christmas?" It was impossible to lie about that. I did not have a good Christmas. I was happy to be with my family, but I was so sad. It took me until 2pm to get out of bed on Boxing Day. That's not something you tell the well wishers though. They don't want to hear it.
I really do miss Cameron so much. I'm fighting every day to figure out why this happened, and what I can learn from it. Obviously, I haven't figured that out yet. I can learn from things Cameron did during his life -his carefree style of living. Cameron was always laughing at things, and could find the humour in a lot of things. I saw his parents last night, and they reminded me that he wouldn't want us to be sad. He'd want us to laugh, and laugh and laugh.
I've been going to a grief counsellor. I've only had two appointments, and have one more at the end of the week. I'm not sure yet if it's helping. I'm sure it will, I just have to be patient. (Anybody who knows me, knows I'm not patient). The last session I had, left me feeling so down. I've been in a sad funk since I went (a week ago). All I want to do is cry, and of course, I haven't. Well -I've cried, but not to the extent that I'd like to. Getting out of bed, and going to work have actually been saving my life. The need to make money to survive is helping me survive. To quote my friend James:
"the depression will take a long time to get over...but you have to get out of bed...that's the key. its like being a shark...you have to keep moving other wise you'll drown."
He has a lot of advice, and words of wisdom that I'm trying to remember and writing down. Luckily, it's all through email, so it's hard to forget.
Anyway, it's now 12:59, so I'll do a quick spell check and then get to work. I'll probably write another entry on the weekend or next week.