Need You Now

I've been deleting texts lately. I don't need to keep them all, and most end up being deleted once we pass 200 messages anyway. So I guess I was attempting to save my phone's memory, as well get rid of things I don't need (if only I did that with material things). There was one group of messages I wasn't prepared to delete. My last couple of conversations with Cameron. I haven't deleted him as a contact either. I don't want his picture to disappear. (although not only is it his fb picture, but I took it, so I have it to look at in many ways.)

Every once in a while I pull up our last texts. I'll either smile, or tear up... or both. On Monday I was doing my usual purging of messages, and I tried to delete the first on my list. Instead I deleted my last contact with Cam. Three days later, I'm still upset about it. The message wasn't anything important. Mostly us discussing meeting up when he came to Saskatoon for Christmas. A bit of joking, a bit of Erin and Cameron. Now it's gone. Just like him, and my heart occasionally breaks all over again at the loss.

I've been listening to the song "Need you Now" by Lady Antebellum. Sometimes on repeat - because I'm a dork. I feel like it fits sometimes. I think Miss you Now is more appropriate in this situation because the whole point of my life seems to be that I can do it on my own. I shouldn't have to 'need' anybody. Although, I have a pretty big support system, and life would be pretty hard if I didn't have them. Anyway, listening to this song probably doesn't help my mood, and forces me to think about how much I miss him.

Cameron's mom described grief as a roller coaster. Very good description.

I know this entry is kind of all over the place, and I still haven't written about my trip to Whitecourt. I will. I'm not sure if I'll have time to write about it today though. I'll just say this, Whitecourt was home to me because of Cameron. I believe that with all my heart... BUT I've been unfair to Whitecourt, and the friends I've made there. I got a chance to catch up with co-workers and friends while in Whitecourt, and I was reminded of the other things that made this place good. I hold a lot against Whitecourt because of what I went through while I was there, but I forget that it also holds a few people that helped me out when I needed it, and are still there to help me out when needed. I feel like this needs to be said. I was stuck in a haze of unhappiness, and going back with a fresh view, and the even need to have gratitude, I was able to see things clearly.

Also - my mom was with me for this trip. She helped me. I hate to cry in front of people (although, I do it a lot). I hate to have people realise I'm not strong, so mom being with me helped me stay strong. (less breakdowns).

More on the trip later. I'm on my lunch break. Have to get to work now.

The Court of White

I'm going to Whitecourt this weekend. I'm going with my mom because I honestly don't think I can do it alone. I need to check into my condo and make sure my renters are still good.

I've been losing sleep and stressing about this for days. It hit me last night, as I was writing in my journal to Cameron, that I'm about to see the last place we hugged. The place we said goodbye for the last time (except I didn't know it was the last time). I will probably walk past his house. I won't go in (because it's not mine), but I know I'll walk past it. We will drive past the place on the highway. The place. I don't know exactly where it is, but I have an idea.

Everything in Whitecourt is memories of Cameron and I. I thought I was stressed out before, it's just building up.

I hate losing it in front of people. I hate crying in front of people -including my mom.

I HATE not being strong, but I've somehow lost all my strength these last few days, and am left with a tension headache, a pain in my chest, and tears.

I'll write when I get back.

No blogging today... or week possibly

I don't feel like I'll have the time or the energy this week to blog. I also don't feel like it's going to be the best week in the world. I know I have to NOT feel that way to make it better, but sometimes... it's hard.

Writing Writing Writing

I have taken too long of a break, and I miss writing. For some reason, this last couple of weeks, I haven't really been reading or writing in any form.

I must get back to it! I'll be writing more next week. I've got quite a bit to say, I'm just trying to get it all organized in my head. First topic will be new goals, and second will be dating or non dating as the case may be. There are many more things that will be talked about, but that's it for now. It's been a very busy week at work, and I LOVE IT! I really love my job, but mostly when it's busy and I get to write all day.

So... back to work, and will talk to you on Monday. (By the way, I don't really know who 'you' is... but I just had a friend tell me she was happy that I keep this blog up. Made me feel very nice. So thanks!)

Katimavik

I'm taking a break from the usual blog entries, and changing things up. I want to talk about Katimavik. It was just eliminated from the government's budget, and I've been meaning to write about it since I heard this. I'm hoping to write it here, and send a letter to my local MP. (or anybody who will listen). I plan on cutting and pasting this to a few different places.

I was lucky enough to be involved in Katimavik in 1998. I graduated high school at the end of June, and headed off to a program I knew very little about in August.

Here is what I knew, and what I told anybody who asked me 'Where is Katimavik?' First of all, it's not a place. Katimavik is a government-funded program. 11-13 (I'm not sure of the exact amount. I can't remember anymore, and it changed) youth (aged 17-21) from across Canada live together in a house in three different provinces, doing volunteer work in the towns we were staying in. (That's one rotation. There are a lot of different rotations all across Canada). I was going to Glovertown, Newfoundland, Carlton Place, Ontario, and Baie St Paul, Quebec for three months in each place.

That's all I knew. I didn't know anybody else that I would be living with, I didn't know what kind of volunteer work, and I had no idea what to expect. It was also the first time I had travelled by myself. I think getting on that plane from Saskatoon to go to Newfoundland (with a layover in Toronto), was probably one of the bravest things I've done. I was young. I was naive. I was shy and timid. I hadn't really experienced life outside of my small town of 200.

I found an ad for Katimavik in a teen writing magazine I had. Even then I had aspirations to be a writer. I'm still working on that. It was early 1998 that I found the ad. I remember showing my mom, and thinking, "I could do this!" It was an exciting prospect because up until then, I didn't know what I was going to do after high school. I always knew I'd go to University, but I wasn't ready yet. I didn't know what I wanted to take, or what I wanted to be when I grew up... other than a writer.

So when I was 17, I boarded a plane all by myself to Gander, Newfoundland. There are certain moments in every one's life that have changed them. Changed the direction in life they were taking. The question always comes up... "What if I had never done that? What would my life be like now?" Of course, you never really know the answer. I'm sure life would be different.

I've had a lot of those moments. I'm not going to name them because I'm only here to talk about this life changing event. Katimavik. Without it, I would have been very different. I wouldn't have met the friends that I still talk to today. I wouldn't have fallen in love with Canada and with travel.

I wouldn't have had the opportunity to see all that I did at that stage in my life, and I'm not sure I would be able to afford to otherwise. Yes. The government helps the participants and gives them a chance to travel. That's not all though. We don't get a 'free trip'. We WORK. And work hard. We volunteered for different places in the communities we lived in (Monday to Friday 9-5), and got paid an allowance of 3 dollars a day. We received 1000 dollars at the end of our 9 months. (This is in 1998, the amount of money and amount of months have both changed). Food and housing were paid for, but we had a budget for EVERYTHING. We didn't go over the budget, and we made sure that we got everything out of what we were given, be it trips, seeing places in the province we were living in, learning new things, or trying new things. We had bunk beds with about four girls to a room. (And four guys to a room, if not 6).

As for the jobs, in Newfoundland, we worked at Terra Nova National Park. We helped build a boardwalk in the park.  I helped at various times with those jobs, and also worked at the Marine Centre. A young girl from Saskatchewan got to give tours, and tell people about the sea animals in the touch tank. We painted a scout's cabin one weekend as well.

In Ontario, we all worked at different places. I volunteered (and worked all day) at a daycare. As did a few others at a different daycare. Some worked for the Arena in town, and did manual labour. (I don't know exactly what they did because I only worked at the daycare).

In Quebec, we had a variety of different jobs, and unfortunately, I don't remember them all. I worked at a Women's Centre and helped with child care, with cleaning and cooking, and spending time with the women. Another participant worked at an art studio. Everybody had a job, and we were at times able to choose a job that we hoped we'd be interested in for the future.

We also billeted for a week in each province. It was a time to live with the locals, work with them, and learn about how they live. In Newfoundland, I stayed with a family with another participant. We worked HARD during that time. For the family mostly. Worked in the little village we were in doing mostly manual labour. We spent time with the family. We lived with an older couple, their daughter, and her two children.

In Ontario, I was billeting at an old folks home. The family lived in a house attached to it. I helped clean and cook all day every day.

In Quebec, I billeted with a wonderful bilingual woman who was a baker. I woke up, and went to work baking with her for the week, and helped cleaning out a house.

In all places we stayed, we stuck with them for a week. If they went somewhere, we went as well. They were family -if we were lucky.

We also learned. We had classes of sorts. We'd get people in to teach us relevant things that would hopefully help us in our futures. We had French classes, budgeting classes, and towards the end, we worked on resume building and cover letters, and so many others. We had life lessons that could never be in a lesson. We learned to live with one another. There were some relationships. In our case, none of them lasted too far past Katimavik, although at the time we probably hoped they would. It was a year of 'firsts'. I would have had these 'firsts' at some point in my life, but this was life changing. I learned about myself, I slowly started to change, and see things differently. I cared about different things.

We travelled the provinces we volunteered in. We climbed mountains, kayaked in oceans, saw Niagara Falls, Toronto, Ontario, Quebec and Montreal. We saw things and were able to see culture that most of us had not experienced.

I am 31 now, and I'm still changing, and still trying to have experiences that reach outside my comfort level (a comfort level that expanded like crazy because of Katimavik). I believe we never stop changing, but without Katimavik, I wouldn't have learned it quite as quickly.

Since Katimavik, I've kept in touch with almost all the participants (thanks to facebook). We've met up again at weddings, and kept in touch if we were going to visit one another's province. One of the other participants and I travelled to Thailand and Taiwan together about six years after Katimavik.

We've all changed, and we've all grown up since Katimavik. Going into Katimavik we were young, and coming out of it, we were still young, but had already learned so much about ourselves, about life, about money, and about one another.

I've done a lot of great things in my life, and Katimavik is on that list. As for the reason I'm writing this, the government has just cut the funding for Katimavik. After the rotation is done, it's over. Unless people can write letters and let the government know what a great program this is. How it changed your life, and how it will change other's lives. Because it will. And it did.

I'm not sure how to end this... Save Katimavik!!

Erin

For more information on Katimavik: http://www.newswire.ca/en/story/951143/katimavik-sets-the-facts-straight
and: http://www.katimavik.org/
And if you have your own stories: http://www.katimavik.org/node/add/testimonial

Miss Him

I miss Cameron. Missing him isn't a new feeling. It's kind of a constant. I missed him before he died, but all I had to do was call him or email him and tell him. It just hits me every once in a while. Hits me all over again, that I won't be talking to him again. I sometimes relive the day I found out he died. I remember waiting at work to have it confirmed. And I fight back tears. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don't.

I'm fine with the fact that I still feel this way. I don't really share it with a lot of people, but I don't hide it either. I miss my friend. He was my family for three years in Whitecourt. I no longer have him, Karmen (the dog) or Rolo (the cat). It's shocking how different my life is now.

How do I get through this? I breath. I write. I give myself the time I need to feel bad about my loss, and about his family's loss. Then I continue my day.

I really am happy with the way my life is headed right now. I'm doing things that are for me, and me alone (exercising and attempting to date). I just wish I could share it all with him. In person, not writing him letters in my journal. I hate that I make wishes like that because they aren't going to happen.

That's it. I miss him.

More changes or goals...

I said in an earlier post that I was going to begin going to the gym. I have. I decided to stick to the Elliptical until I get more into shape, and then I will focus on weights or strength training. The first day (Monday last week), I was on it for 20 minutes. The next day (Tuesday), 30 minutes. 20 minutes was tough, and 30 was hard as well. I play Dodge ball on Wednesday, and had plans on Thursday, so I went back on Friday and did an hour on the Elliptical. The last 30 minutes were HARD. The last 15 minutes were TERRIBLE. I did it though.

I took the weekend off. Even going so far as to have a Baconator from Wendy's. I learned a lesson while sitting at home with an upset stomach that night from basically a burger full of grease. Exercise is not the only thing I need to change. On Sunday I went to the Farmer's Market, and bought green and healthy food. I also downloaded a Calorie counter/exercise app. (Myfitnesspal.com).

I began using it on Monday. At 9am, somebody came out of the work kitchen and announced there was cheesecake. First of many times I am going to have to resist. I recorded all my calories, and by the time I got to the gym, and did my hour on the elliptical, I was feeling good. I felt a little like I had cheated the system by giving myself more calories.

Tuesday, however, was harder at the gym. The last 15 minutes, I basically hated everybody. (Mostly the people who weren't sweating profusely or smelling like they needed to wash their gym clothes, and were making the whole gym going experience look effortless). I left once again, feeling proud of myself. For my newest life changes and choices. Finally, going into my 30s, I'm making healthy life choices.

Today, I have Dodge ball, so there will be no gym. My last Dodge ball game (ever, if I have anything to say about it). I really am not enjoying it like I hoped I would. I'm more of an exercise on my own person. Especially because I have not been able to get the throwing, dodging or catching down.

I'm planning four gym trips a week, and every day of calorie counting. (1200 calories a day).

I don't think I ever explained why I'm doing this. In November/December of 2011 (last November and December), I was at my very highest weight ever. I had decided not to buy a dress to my Christmas Party, only to find out the day before while trying on the dresses I have, that NOT ONE fit. I had gained A LOT of weight.

Since Cameron died, I've lost 15 pounds. I don't think this is anything to be proud of. It was unhealthy choices, and no appetite that caused the weight loss. Now - I am making changes. I plan to lose a bit more weight, and then maintain it by eating well and exercising. I've gotten this far by accident, I just need to keep it up. I'm pretty focused on making this happen. I hate to give up, so I hope that trend will continue into exercising and calorie counting.

By the way -I have never dieted in my life. I find it extremely sad. Counting calories makes eating a lot less interesting. I have started eating three meals a day though, which I haven't done for years. (For a while after the New Year, I was only eating one meal a day.)

So... here's to more life changes for me. It's never ending.

Birds?

I feel like posting, but I don't want it to be about anything very personal. I was feeling a bit insecure about the last entry. It felt like too much, too much detail, too much about something that did not just involve me. I had blogger's regret... I did talk to my friend (and writer advice giver/encourager) about it, and she thought it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. (not in those words.) So I'm leaving it up for now, but once again changing my approach.

I won't really be focusing on the online thing like I said I would, unless it's very important because as I said, that's about two people. Not just me.

Once a long time ago, I used the title 'Do One Thing a Day That Scares You'. Or something along those lines. At that point, I was referring to blogging, and writing about my life. That doesn't scare me anymore. For more than one reason, but mostly because I don't think a lot of people read this. I may be wrong. It is something open on the Internet, but it just feels like my main supporters read it -and I am okay with that.

It means, I have to find something else that scares me, and I have. everyday I've been facing my fears and walking underneath a bridge in Saskatoon by the river. It's covered with scary birds. Pigeons I think -but it really makes no difference. My heart stops every time I hear them or see them move. It's a strange fear, but if that's my biggest problem, life is pretty okay.

So, once again, I need to thank Lulu Lemon, for their great inspiring words (I'm not thanking them for the overpriced clothing). I do agree with you should do one thing a day that scares you, if not to get a little bit out of your comfort zone. It's a pretty good feeling. Hard to do all the time though. I've been jumping out of my comfort zone like crazy this week... birds, gym, date.

That's it. Just thought I'd write a quick entry. Now, I have to work.

E

The continuation of the new me

Starting Monday, I am going to start using my gym membership. I finally got it sorted out, and now I will start going. My one and only goal this year is to do things that make me happy and do things for me. This is one of the many.
My relationship slash non love life is going nowhere. I'm not giving up on that either, but spreading the focus around a little. Maybe I'll start a humorous dating blog... probably about online dating because I haven't figured out how else to date.

Gratitude

To continue on with my happy/inspirational life, I'm going to write about the great things that have happened this week. I might try to do this once a week. Not everyday... while I'm sure I could do it everyday, I don't actually find it to be good blog material. The week started off kind of slow with good things. I was a little bit down a couple days. That's life right? The important thing is to somehow get away from the sad feeling. The weather has been gorgeous ALL week. I've now gotten rid of my Winter jacket, and have been wearing only hoodies for warmth.

I'll start with Sunday because it was actually a pretty great day. I spent it with my mom. We went to a play with my sister and aunt (after having lunch). The play wasn't the best I've seen, but wasn't terrible either. It was a Simpson's/Macbeth mix -all done by one person. After that, my mom and I went to the Brier finals with my roommate and her friend. She got the tickets from her work, and was nice enough to share. I went on Tuesday with her as well. (not my mom).

Monday is actually kind of a haze, although something that does stand out is the fact that I woke up cheerful, and was fine with the fact that not only was it morning, but the weekend was over. I think it's my new room. I don't have curtains so block the sun, so I wake up to it. (or get out of the shower to it, as the sun isn't quite awake at the same time as me (yet).

Tuesday I wore a skirt. Not that exciting? Doesn't matter to me. It was nice enough that I could walk to work in my skirt. LOVE!!! Also, I should mention I have been walking to work by the river, which means going underneath a bridge that has a HUGE amount of scary birds. So I've also been facing the same fear everyday. Facing fears is good, and I also like the scared feeling. As long as it goes away. So far, so good, but I'm sure the birds will realise how scared I am of them soon.

Yesterday was another beautiful day. I was a little sluggish in the morning. Worried about things that I have no power over. I had a therapy appointment in the afternoon, and then walked back to work from it. Those appointments help. It's like my time, to talk about what I need to, and to relax if I need. Although, I think my  next appointment is my last for a bit, so I'll have to learn as much as I can from it. The day got even better though. When I got back to work, I was asked if I wanted to go to a Darious Rucker and Lady Antebellum concert. The answer was OF COURSE. I can definitely say, those two are my very favourite country artists, so it was a wonderful time. My roommate was my date for the night. She enjoyed it as well, which is great!

And today... it's only half way through, but I've just been feeling so happy about the week, and about my light heart. I'm also going to hang out with one of my best friends tonight, and her two gorgeous little boys. I'm looking forward to that. Oh and I have a great appreciation for the fact that I'm not allergic to peanut butter. Nothing is better than a Nature Valley sweet and salty peanut granola bar in the morning. Heaven!

I won't be doing another one of these until next week I guess. I'll throw in a thing I'm already excited about for tomorrow. Free lunch! The best sandwich ever made. (well it was the last time). And I do have plans on Saturday, but I'm not sure how secure they are, so I'll just hold off on talking about it.

One other thing... I decided last month to start dating again. I've been seeing somebody for less than three weeks... not a long time, and I'm not really sure at the moment what's happening with it. I don't know where it's going, if anywhere, but it's fun for the moment, and I'm glad to give it a go. Brave face.

So all these great things are small and probably insignificant to many, but to me, they've made this week into a wonderful one. This trend is going to continue.

It is what it is?

This will be a short post. Being that I'm in the inspiration type mood lately, I thought I'd write down my latest thought. I've heard a lot of people say "It is what it is." They say this as a reason for life, I guess. A reason that things have not turned out the way it was expected.

I call it an excuse. I hope that I never have to explain to my children that the reason life has been unfair to them is because 'it is what it is'.

Instead, I will be telling them, "It is what you make it out to be".

That's my thought.

Smiling and happy and stuff

It's been a while since I wrote. Mostly because my computer crashed, and I haven't fixed it yet. I've been writing a lot in my journal, but miss blogging.

First of all, I'm feeling good. I'm not depressed, I'm not sad all the time, and I'm learning a life lesson that I should have learnt a long time ago: It's up to me to be happy. When I feel myself sinking, and feeling sad at the way certain things turned out, I just have to stop and breathe, and think about all the great things I have in my life, and all the great things I hope to have in my life.

Gratitude. I was beginning to learn about this before Cameron died. Sometime in the fall, after we broke up, I think I realised that I was the only person who could keep myself going, and hopefully happy.

I momentarily stopped after he died. I wasn't sure how to survive or get through it. I knew I had support with my family and friends, but it didn't stop the fear of not being able to get through the pain. I got through it. This isn't to say I'm not still sad some times. I lost somebody who was a huge part of my life, and who I am pretty sure I would have stayed friends with as we grew older. It's tough, and I will miss him, but I need to focus on myself more than any sort of pain. I have a lot of good memories that I can be happy about with him, but not only that, I will have a lot more good memories in my life as I continue to grow.

I don't give myself enough credit. As one of my friends pointed out, it wasn't just Cameron who helped me get through that terrible year. I got myself through it. I was lucky to have him, but I need to take credit for all that I've accomplished. I pulled myself out of the depression, and nobody else. Cameron was a rock, and I will be always be happy that he was there for me, and I'll always be grateful that he was there. However, moving back to Saskatoon and the break up was the best thing for me, and the best thing for him. I started to gain back my independence, and started to realise that I could do it on my own.

So, I guess the point is, that I'm getting through life, and working on keeping the best attitude I can have. I am stronger than I think I am, and probably stronger than others give me credit. Some people. I know which ones think I'm strong. They sometimes have more faith in me than I do. I love having a light heart, but have to work at it some days.

Until next time,

Erin

A good day

I just thought I'd write a quick update. My Valentine's Day was not terrible. I have no romantic love in my life right now, but I have a lot of love.

I had a good day, and I'm so very happy about that. I plan to have more. I went for coffee with a friend after work, and then went out for supper with my friends. (My best friend and her husband). The two who will always be there no matter what.

I don't have much else to say, I just think that this should have happy thoughts as well. Things don't always have to be bad, right? Sometimes, I can smile, and I can laugh, and I can enjoy life.

E

Good Ol' Valentine's Day

I've never really been a fan of Valentine's Day. It always seemed like a silly holiday. It's nice to let the people you love that you appreciate them. I do enjoy getting flowers. It's hard when you're alone. It's even harder now. I got Cameron a card every Valentine's Day because I loved finding that perfect card to let him know how I feel. Hallmark really does have a card that says it all -you just have to look for it.

I don't remember all of our Valentine's Days. I remember last year. Cameron had to work in the evening, I think. He drove me to the flower shop, and I waited in the car while he bought me flowers. I think we had lunch at Soban (the Korean restaurant in town) first, and he tried one flower shop, and they were out of flowers, and then we went to another, and he bought me perfect and beautiful flowers. We stopped for blizzards on the way home, and when we got home shared them with the pets. I have a picture of Karmen and Rolo with ice cream all over their noses.

This year it's just me. It would have been anyway, but that doesn't make it any easier. I've done V-day alone before. I've done the single thing (and quite well). I know I'll be able to handle this day. It's not really the most important holiday in the world. Getting through this day means I'm one step closer to getting through the next holiday that I have spent with Cameron in the past. They'll all be hard, but at the same time, I guess I'm lucky that for the past three years, I have gotten to celebrate moments of time with him. I will get through this day, and all the rest with the memories that we've made together.

That's it. I wish everyone love of any kind today. I've got friends and family full of love, and willing to share -even if they have a Valentine. Lucky me. :)

These are the flowers from Cameron -Valentine's Day 2011.

How Are You? ...

I find it extremely annoying to blog on my phone. So I'm doing it on my lunch break at work. Which is also a bit annoying because my job includes me staring at a computer all day, and I probably should be doing something other than staring at the computer on my lunch break.

Oh well. I've been thinking about this entry for over a week now, so I better get on it.

I was reading something the other day. Unfortunately, I can't tell you where I was reading it because for the first time ever, I didn't automatically write it down and send it to myself. It's just something that has stuck in my head.

I read that the thing people say that is usually a lie is "I'm fine." This may not be true. I have no idea, but I agree that it's so easy to say "I'm fine" instead of going into all the reasons you aren't fine.

I have a lot of people asking me how I am. I sometimes just say fine because I get the feeling they don't actually want to know my answer. I tell others how I actually am. This isn't to say I don't appreciate the question. It tells me that people care enough to ask, and I am so happy about the ones that are happy enough to take the time to hear the actual answer.

The truth is, I haven't been doing very well lately. I've been incredibly sad, and while I do have moments that I laugh and smile, for the most part -I'm sad. And I want to tell people that when they ask me how I am. I don't want to mislead them. At times though, I feel guilty. I feel like I should be fine, and I should be over it, or dealing with it better.

I guess I felt the same after Christmas. I had so many people ask the usual question, "How was your Christmas?" It was impossible to lie about that. I did not have a good Christmas. I was happy to be with my family, but I was so sad. It took me until 2pm to get out of bed on Boxing Day. That's not something you tell the well wishers though. They don't want to hear it.

I really do miss Cameron so much. I'm fighting every day to figure out why this happened, and what I can learn from it. Obviously, I haven't figured that out yet. I can learn from things Cameron did during his life -his carefree style of living. Cameron was always laughing at things, and could find the humour in a lot of things. I saw his parents last night, and they reminded me that he wouldn't want us to be sad. He'd want us to laugh, and laugh and laugh.

I've been going to a grief counsellor. I've only had two appointments, and have one more at the end of the week. I'm not sure yet if it's helping. I'm sure it will, I just have to be patient. (Anybody who knows me, knows I'm not patient). The last session I had, left me feeling so down. I've been in a sad funk since I went (a week ago). All I want to do is cry, and of course, I haven't. Well -I've cried, but not to the extent that I'd like to. Getting out of bed, and going to work have actually been saving my life. The need to make money to survive is helping me survive. To quote my friend James:

"the depression will take a long time to get over...but you have to get out of bed...that's the key. its like being a shark...you have to keep moving other wise you'll drown."

He has a lot of advice, and words of wisdom that I'm trying to remember and writing down. Luckily, it's all through email, so it's hard to forget.

Anyway, it's now 12:59, so I'll do a quick spell check and then get to work. I'll probably write another entry on the weekend or next week.

E

Maybe tomorrow

The title is also a song. I hope to write tomorrow. I just wrote about some of my reads in my book blog, so I can't really write anymore. Especially on this tiny phone. I really miss my computer.

Exhausted

I haven't written lately. I have mostly been writing in my journal when I need. Although that's not why I haven't Blogged. My computer is broken right now. I can't afford to fix it, or to buy a new one. I can blog on my phone. That's what I'm doing now, but it is a lot more work.
So if I write here, for now it will just be small thoughts.
My thought for today is that I am physically and mentally exhausted. I'm trying to get excited about life, but am not succeeding. I have trouble getting to sleep at night lately as well. It's off and on, but it seems like night is when I think about Cameron the most. He died over a month ago, and I miss him so much. I just want to hear his voice. I wish I could see more of him in my dreams.

Loss

I think I'm doing this blog entry wrong. Not all of them, but this one. I don't have a particular subject to write about. I want to write about Cameron. I want to talk about Cameron, and I want to tell stories, and remember him. I want to cry because I don't have him anymore, and I don't want to explain myself. I also want to smile, and be happy.

I missed Cameron when we broke up. I felt like my heart was breaking, but at the time, I knew it would heal. Our friendship was helping it heal. When I had the miscarriage and lost my grandparents, my heart was also breaking, but he stood beside me through everything.

The thing with a broken heart, is that they heal. Sometimes differently, but they always heal. I have many past relationships gone bad to prove that. I'm still healing from the deaths, and it will take a lot of mending to get through the loss of Cameron.

I had a lot of trouble doing things alone during that time. I felt panic every time I had to leave the house. It saved me that Cameron was there. I guess I attached myself to him in a way. I felt safer when I was with him. It probably wasn't the healthiest relationship because of that, but it helped me. People called me courageous, but the truth is, Cameron was my courage.

It wasn't until I moved back to Saskatoon, that I started to feel more brave. Now, I have no choice but to deal with everything on my own. I don't consider that brave either. It's not courage (or being a hero). It's life. If I learned anything from the past, it's that I can't just stop. I have to go to work everyday, and I have to take care of myself. It also helps that my friends and family are constantly checking in with me. I can let them know how I'm feeling at any moment.

Writing is going to be healing. It has to be. I don't want to hold anything in, and I don't want to get to the point that I did in the past. That point was when I couldn't get out of bed, and I didn't want to face the world. So I will be writing here, and in my journal, and to Cameron, and in any way that I can. I'll try to keep up with my fiction writing as well. I'd guess escaping my own reality might be a good idea every once in a while. Even with Cameron, I couldn't get out of bed at times. Now I'm going to be getting out for both of us.

I've been getting 'panic attacks' lately. I've had them before, but it feels like they're coming more frequently. I put it in quotations because I don't know that it's actually panic attacks. I do know it's another thing I have to work through.

Anyway, I have to go to bed. Monday tomorrow. It means I have another week to get through. This one is going to be more busy than others. Good thing? I'll let you know.

Until next time,
E

Everything happens for a reason?

When I had my miscarriage "Everything Happens for a Reason" was the thing I heard the most. I absolutely hated hearing it. I didn't see the reason, and I didn't get why people thought that saying would make me feel better. I didn't understand why I would accidentally get pregnant, only to lose the baby. I didn't get it.
And then I thought about Cameron. He came to me when I was pregnant in 2008. And when I told him my theory that he was my reason, he thought he was my reason after I lost the baby. We both agreed. And then at the end of August 2011, we broke up. It was horrible, and something I never wanted to imagine. Life without Cameron was not anything I had ever prepared for. I did it. He lived in Whitecourt, and I in Saskatoon. (We had planned to live separately as a couple, but ended up living apart broken up). I called him a lot after we had broken up. He was the person. The person I called to feel better, and to smile, and to laugh. It  didn't change. It wasn't as frequent as the months continued, but it still happened. I knew who could make me smile. I knew who I could tell anything to.
We hadn't seen each other since September. I had gone to Whitecourt to pick up some of my things. I stayed for three days. He worked during the days, but we saw each other at night. The day I left, we went for breakfast. Before I got into my car to head home, we hugged. It wasn't enough. I knew it was our ending. I asked for another hug. I knew we would be friends, but was heart broken that we wouldn't be more.
Until then, I had hoped he would be my 'Mr Big'. A man who someday would realise it was me he loved, but didn't know it. I stopped believing that. Mostly because it got more and more unlikely. We were better as friends. At first, talking to him was hard. I wanted to move on, I didn't want to love him. When I say love, I don't mean 'in love'. I mean love. With my whole heart. I don't know what 'in love' means anymore. I know that he was somebody I was scared to live without. He was a best friend.
I realised that I didn't want to stop talking to him. I didn't want the distance. Cameron and I talked about twice a month. Not a lot. It turned out to be not as much as I would have liked, but he was busy and I was busy. Real life of a separated couple.
We spoke in the middle of December. I told him a story about not fitting into any of my dresses. He laughed his head off. His infectious laugh. I know people constantly talk about infectious laughter. I'm sure they are correct. But Cameron... he had it. We caught up on life. He told me about a girl he met on line. I was jealous, but I hid it. I gave advice. We hung up.
I texted him later to let him know that my job had become permanent. When he texted me back to say he was happy for me, I didn't respond. I don't know why.
We texted again after that. We were making arrangements for when he came home for Christmas. I wanted to see him on the Thursday he got home. Or Friday. I was so excited to see him. Catch up in person. Hug in person. Be friends.
The day he was supposed to be coming back I texted a friend who was getting a ride back with him. I had suggested she speak to him about a ride. She was going to come back to Saskatoon with him. When I texted her to ask how far they were, she told me he wasn't there yet. She had called his phone, and a constable had answered. He told her he would send officers to her house. She thought it was a joke.
It wasn't. Cameron was killed in a car accident not even 20 minutes out of Whitecourt. He was headed to Edmonton on Wednesday. He was going to pick up Brittany (from Edmonton) the next day, and never picked her up. Nobody knew until the cops went to her house. They told her not to tell anybody. She wouldn't answer my phone calls or texts. I knew, but didn't want to. I was at work, so called Denise to comfort me... or to find out the truth. She found out the truth, and came to my work to get me. I can't get that day out of my head.
I don't know how to get through this. I also don't know why people think the saying "Everything happens for a reason" is of any help at all. My reason is gone. And I hate to say that out loud because it makes me sound depressing and out of solutions... but that's what I feel.
I'm not saying I won't move on in life. I don't know where I will move on to, and I don't know if I'll find that 'love of my life' I've always thought I would find. But I'll keep going, and I'll learn how to laugh at all the things I once thought were funny... But I won't be the same, and I'll always try to figure out why things happen for a reason. I thought I had it all figured out... but I don't know.
I'll be writing again. It's not like the entries after my miscarriage. I wrote them about a year after the fact -as with the deaths of my grandma McCrea and my grandfather Burton. This is not even a month after the fact. I found out he died on December 22nd. So in this case, any writing I will be doing will be direct healing. Hopefully.
We weren't a couple, but I loved him. And I miss him, and am still trying to get this. Why it happened? Why he isn't here? Why I couldn't have one more hug?
I'm publishing this now.

Warning of what is to come

I'm not writing a big post right now. I'm just basically writing to say that I will be writing. I don't know when, and I'm not sure it will be about what it should be. I have a lot to say, and I've had to deal with a lot of sadness lately. If you've read this from a start, I guess that's not a shock, but more has happened.

I am sad, and I'm confused, and I'm trying to figure out what is next for me. How to get through this latest big thing.

I'll write more some day.