Loss

I think I'm doing this blog entry wrong. Not all of them, but this one. I don't have a particular subject to write about. I want to write about Cameron. I want to talk about Cameron, and I want to tell stories, and remember him. I want to cry because I don't have him anymore, and I don't want to explain myself. I also want to smile, and be happy.

I missed Cameron when we broke up. I felt like my heart was breaking, but at the time, I knew it would heal. Our friendship was helping it heal. When I had the miscarriage and lost my grandparents, my heart was also breaking, but he stood beside me through everything.

The thing with a broken heart, is that they heal. Sometimes differently, but they always heal. I have many past relationships gone bad to prove that. I'm still healing from the deaths, and it will take a lot of mending to get through the loss of Cameron.

I had a lot of trouble doing things alone during that time. I felt panic every time I had to leave the house. It saved me that Cameron was there. I guess I attached myself to him in a way. I felt safer when I was with him. It probably wasn't the healthiest relationship because of that, but it helped me. People called me courageous, but the truth is, Cameron was my courage.

It wasn't until I moved back to Saskatoon, that I started to feel more brave. Now, I have no choice but to deal with everything on my own. I don't consider that brave either. It's not courage (or being a hero). It's life. If I learned anything from the past, it's that I can't just stop. I have to go to work everyday, and I have to take care of myself. It also helps that my friends and family are constantly checking in with me. I can let them know how I'm feeling at any moment.

Writing is going to be healing. It has to be. I don't want to hold anything in, and I don't want to get to the point that I did in the past. That point was when I couldn't get out of bed, and I didn't want to face the world. So I will be writing here, and in my journal, and to Cameron, and in any way that I can. I'll try to keep up with my fiction writing as well. I'd guess escaping my own reality might be a good idea every once in a while. Even with Cameron, I couldn't get out of bed at times. Now I'm going to be getting out for both of us.

I've been getting 'panic attacks' lately. I've had them before, but it feels like they're coming more frequently. I put it in quotations because I don't know that it's actually panic attacks. I do know it's another thing I have to work through.

Anyway, I have to go to bed. Monday tomorrow. It means I have another week to get through. This one is going to be more busy than others. Good thing? I'll let you know.

Until next time,
E