Happiest day of my year (every year).



Rolo Hates the snow

 First official day of snow It started yesterday, stayed for the day. It'll probably melt by tomorrow, but it's here now. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I'll be adding another entry today, but for now, I just wanted to share a little bit of me that's not writing, and not unhappiness. If something as little as snow can make me feel this great, things aren't so bad.


Beautiful. Makes me smile.



It'll probably melt, but is so great!



I got him!



Playing in the backyard. Karm loves snow as much as I do.

LOVE IT.

Support System

I haven't written for the past couple of days. To be honest, that last entry took A LOT out of me. I'm not sure how I thought I would feel when I was finished, but it wasn't what I expected.

I felt empty and alone when I was done writing. I guess it didn't help that Cam was on a night shift, so I truly was alone. (except for my pets -a Chesapeake Bay Retriever named Karmen, and an orange cat named Rolo). I had a lump in my stomach, and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I wasn't depressed about everything, I was just sad.

I've got the worst part out, but I want to continue writing. I think it's good for me, and probably good for other people to know what I went through, and what I'm going through. I've never been good at telling people how I feel, and it's gotten worse since the miscarriage. I was getting good at holding things in, which is what brings me to tonight's blog.

I'm not ready yet to write about the rest of it because it's really been a long process of healing. What I want to talk about is my support system.

I've found from others that a lot of times, you find out who your real friends are in times like these. Actually, even pregnancies, I think people start to realise that maybe some of their friends aren't the best for that situation.

I didn't experience that. I didn't have any friends I wanted to cut out of my life because of they way they reacted (or didn't react) to my pregnancy. I guess that's not true actually, it showed me the true character of the guy who got me pregnant. Other than him though, who I knew for less time than anybody else, I felt loved and supported.

After I lost the baby, I even heard from friends of friends telling me they were sorry. I received texts, emails, facebook messages, hugs and phone calls.

Cameron's mother, whom I had never met before, gave me a hug as soon as she found out. She also spoke about the situation up front and honestly.

My mom came up to Whitecourt and stayed with me after I got out of the Whitecourt hospital (the second hospital visit).

Cam brought me flowers from him, and a plant from his family. He held me, he let me cry, he listened, and he talked me through everything. He told me the honest truth, and that's what I needed.

Denise called me EVERY DAY for the first bit. I can remember one phone call when she asked out of the blue if I was eating. She's going to make a great mother. (I don't think I was eating -not starving myself, just not hungry).

A co-worker gave me a hug because he didn't know what else to say. That was all I needed. Every body I worked with was great. They came to visit me in the hospital, gave me a gift, and they gave me space and let me heal (while checking in).

My Toronto friend -I call her my twin (not sure if she wants her name mentioned), has always been supportive of my writing, and inspirational to me. It's because of her that I'm writing this. I nag her about terrible habits she has, and she nags me about not writing.

I don't think I appreciated all the good will as much as I do now. There are so many people I haven't mentioned, but every ONE of my friends helped me in some way. Even if they weren't there at the time, they still stood with me (from whereever they were) when they found out.

I'm just incredibly happy that I have the support system that I do. I'm lucky. Even through all that, I'm one of the luckiest people to have those family, those friends, and those co-workers.

That's it for tonight. I wanted to stop with the sad ones, and talk about what makes me happy in life, and what keeps (kept) me going.

Baby Loss Awareness Entry Three

The title for this would be: The End of my Pregnancy -only because I don't think calling it the miscarriage is appropriate. Maybe just The End. I think I'll leave it untitled for now.

Untitled

I started dating Cameron at the beginning of January. I may have said middle in the last entry. Sad, that I can't remember our anniversary.

The nice thing about meeting a guy from Saskatchewan was we could go home together.

We had planned a quick weekend trip to Saskatoon at the end of the month. It wasn't really a trip to meet one another's friends or family. Cam had a meeting to attend, and I had plans to go to Moose Jaw for the day to visit with my grandmother. My grandma was waiting for results to see if she had cancer. She wasn't doing well, and I really just wanted to see her.

The day before we left, I was just home from work when I noticed the bleeding. It wasn't excessive bleeding, I just noticed a bit when I went to the washroom. Believe me, I had read enough baby books (What to do When You're Expecting), to know that bleeding happens. It still scared me. I was in my 11th week. So close to the second trimester. I sat at home and worried, I phoned the hospital to ask what they thought, and the nurse said it probably wasn't anything to worry about, but I could come in and see a doctor if I wanted. I waited for Cameron to get home and phone me, and then asked if he could go with me. He did, and the doctor saw me. He didn't do anything as far as I remember. He just said that many woman bleed, but if it got worse, be sure to come in.

Cam and I left for Saskatoon the next night. I was still bleeding, and still concerned.

It's all still fresh in my mind. I want to write this, and I want to share my experience, but I'm crying while typing. Not just tearing up but crying.

It's about six hours to get to Saskatoon. It was a long and stressful drive (not the last long and stressful drive the two of us have had together). It was late when we got there, and we went to Denise and her husband's house for dinner. Denise showed me the blanket she was making for my baby. I cried, and told her what was going on. Denise is such an optimist, and she didn't want me to worry. She was sure it would all be okay.

Cam stayed the night at their house with me (even though he owns a house in Saskatoon). I was feeling unsure with the situation. I didn't know if he wanted me to stay at his place, or what he was thinking, so I just decided I'd stay at Denise's and he could make his own decision. The next morning, he left to go to his meeting, and Denise and I left to pick up my sister and head to Moose Jaw. I texted him a couple of times during the drive, but his phone had died. He stopped answering. I was still bleeding that morning. I was watching the colour because that's something you're supposed to watch. Colour and clots. It's so straight forward, and that's really how I was dealing with it.

We arrived in Moose Jaw, and Denise and I dropped my sister off at my grandma's, and then went for lunch with Karen (another best friend). Karen gave me my late Christmas present -maternity clothes. Even with my worries, it was a great lunch. I told Karen what was going on, and what my fears were. The three of us talked about everything, and I was able to tell them all of my thoughts. They are two wonderful and supportive friends. (since that moment, Karen has not only started an adoption of the cutest 2 year old ever, but she has a five month old baby boy as well).

Denise dropped me off at my Grandma's house. As I was about to go in, my mom and sister came out. They were running to the store to pick something up. I hugged my mom, and told her what was going on, and told her I was scared. I cried. She comforted me, and then I went in to see my grandma.

This is my Grandma McCrea. She's my dad's mother. She had three girls and my dad. My grandfather died when my dad was 10. I never knew him as my grandfather. Everybody loves my grandmother. She was brave, and straight forward, and funny. She was a person I aspired to be. It was breaking my heart, and the rest of my family's hearts that she was sick.

She was still grandma. I couldn't yet tell how sick she was. My aunts were very worried about her. They made her go lie down while I was there saying, "Don't worry, Erin will lie next to you!" So I did. We talked about my pregnancy, and about Cameron, and about her cancer. She was sure she didn't have cancer. We also sat in silence. It was a nice visit, and makes me so sad to say that it was the last time I ever saw her. So much was going on, and I wish so much that I had spent more time with her. We left before supper. It didn't even cross my mind when I left, that I'd never see her again. I guess I could only take one reality at a time.

Before I left, my mom gave me a present. She had bought baby clothes while out with my sister. She hugged me, and said, "This baby will be okay, and so will you." I wish she had been right. I'll never forget those words. I will also always think of them with tears in my eyes.

We drove back to Saskatoon. I think mostly in silence. I knew the bleeding was getting worse, and was concerned. The weather was bad, and I still hadn't heard from Cameron. I did get a text from the father, asking if we should meet up to talk. I told him I was in Saskatoon. Also -according to facebook he had been back for a couple of days... so I didn't care about making him wait longer. Also wasn't ready to tell him I'd already called a lawyer.

When we got back to Denise's house, I told her the bleeding wasn't getting any better, and she encouraged me to call the health line. (I'm a HUGE fan of the health line). They -in turn- encouraged me to go to a hospital. Denise drove me to the emergency room. By the way -the emergency room, on a Saturday night -CRAZY. Busy and full of crazy people. We had a lot of distractions at least. We were in the emergency room until 3 in the morning. I had one doctor look at me, and then we waited for an ultrasound. This is a University hospital, so while the staff is great and professional, they're also young and new. The doctor that came in to do my ultrasound looked in silence, and hummed and hawed. Then he told me, he didn't see anything. He was concerned about that, and told me I'd have to come back in the morning for a 'real' ultrasound tech to take a look. We got home late ( early), and I waited for a call in the morning for them to tell me to come back.

I probably slept, but not for very long. I got the call in the morning to come in, and Denise and I went straight back. I finally called Cam, and told him where I was. It was a message though because his phone was still dead. He had no idea. While we were waiting for the ultrasound (MORE waiting), Denise spoke to Cam's mom, and she went to his house with his phone charger. He called and spoke to me, and said he'd meet us at the hospital. By the time he got there, we were back in the regular waiting room waiting for a doctor to tell me the results. Ultrasound techs have very good poker faces, and don't give away anything. Cam came in, and put his arms around me. He was a rock already.

How lucky was I to be in that hospital with my two rocks. Denise was there for me through everything, and I can never repay her, and can only hope that I can be as good of a friend as she is to me. Cameron supported me and was honest with me, and was willing to help me through the pain of losing a baby that wasn't his.

We finally got taken into a room (the bad news room), and a new young doctor came in to speak to us. He was probably the most unprofessional of all of them. Cam and I sat together, and Denise sat in a chair. He told me I was miscarrying, and there were no longer babies -that's right, he thought it was twins. It felt like he was speaking to and staring at Cam the whole time. He obviously assumed Cam was the father, but either way, I felt like he should be a bit more concerned about the person who was losing her baby. Denise had the most obvious reaction. She cried openly (to the point that the doctor stopped speaking and asked if she was okay). Here's something else he said that I'll never forget. As he walked out of the room he mentioned getting his girlfriend pregnant, and now they have a kid and are getting married. I'm not sure if that was supposed to give me hope. He also told us that 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. (that includes heavy bleeding that could be confused with having a period). It shocked me. It doesn't now.

As we left the hospital, Cam went to get the car, and Denise said to me, "To me, I'm sad because it was your baby, but I can understand if you and Cameron have different feelings about it." She was right. She would be the babies aunty no matter what, but Cam and I would have had to figure out how to deal with me having a baby by another father. We would have dealt with it, but it was no longer an issue.

At that point, I was just exhausted and sad. I was also confused. This is going to sound bad, but it felt like I lost something I never had. It was growing in my tummy for such a small amount of time, that I didn't even notice any differences in my body. I knew the baby was there, and I loved her or him, but I was still a bit disconnected then.

Actually, I had already started a journal for the baby. I think I still have that as well. I glued in a picture of the pregnancy test, and a picture of me the first day I found out. I wrote letters to her or him. I guess I wasn't as disconnected as I thought. I just remembered that.

We drove home to Whitecourt that day. On the way home, I called everyone. Called or texted. I had to tell people then, and get it over with. My mom cried. She was as upset, if not more upset than me. (Kind of like how Denise felt, I guess). It was my close friends and family I told. I also texted the father to tell him I had lost it. He replied back asking how I was, and I didn't answer. That was the end.

I've mentioned my sister in passing, but she's important to the story as well. Jodi and I email every single day, catching up on important things, or talking about things that aren't so important (General Hospital), so through the whole thing, I had her support, her love, and her excitement for me to be a mom, and for her to be an aunt. I also had her sympathy, and knew she would be there when I needed.

The biggest thing about the whole situation, was I had never been a maternal kind of girl. I don't relate to kids, and am a bit scared of babies. I never knew if I wanted to me a mom. Now, I do. I want to be a mom. (I've also gotten over the fear of holding babies).

I didn't go to work that week, but I heard and received emails from coworkers and friends. Here is the statement that isn't needed when somebody is going through a tragedy. "Everything Happens for a Reason." I'm sure if I wanted to find a meaning right then, I would have, but it didn't help. It just frustrated me. Looking back, I find meaning, but it wasn't important to know at that point. That's also when I found out how many others had lost a baby. It was a shared experience.

You'd think this would be the end of the story. Apparently, the miscarriage wasn't over. The doctor had told me if the cramps or bleeding got worse to go to the hospital. I assumed if that were to happen, it would be sooner than later. It was a week later. I was sitting at home, in pain when I finally asked my friend Brittany to drive me to the emergency room. It was to the point that I didn't feel comfortable driving myself.

The actual miscarrying was the worst pain I've been through. I didn't know it would be like that. I don't need to get into it, but thank goodness for pain killers. I was in the hospital for the weekend, and when I left, there was nothing left. I was no longer pregnant. It was two weeks of misery and two weeks of losing the babies.

The physical pain was over. I had to deal with the emotional pain after that. This is enough for tonight though. I have cried a lot. Luckily, I'm drinking a glass of wine, and watching Friends on DVD so I can look up and laugh when I need to.

If anybody is reading this, thanks. Okay, going to do a quick edit, and then pressing publish post again.

Baby Loss Awareness Entry Two

I know the title is not creative at all, but it's all I could think of. If I were to title them, the first would be "The Father" (maybe), this one would be titled "The Pregnancy"

The Pregnancy

I may repeat a few things in this one, but I'm planning to not speak about the father at all. He had no part other than what was already written.

I had a doctor's appointment in November of 2008. I think it was the end of November (maybe the start of December). I went because I wanted birth control. I was pregnant during the appointment. The doctor didn't catch it. I knew I was late so when I went to the pharmacy, I bought both birth control and a pregnancy test.

I only told one friend that I was considering taking it. She lives in Toronto, so I texted her while buying it, asking if she thought it was strange that I bought both at once. We both joked, I believe. Even though I was buying the pregnancy test, I didn't really believe the result would be positive.

Early in the morning, I went into the washroom and peed on a stick. As soon as I saw the result, I texted my friend. "I'm pregnant!" She asked if I was sure, and I was. I had bought the expensive test that says 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. My friend found out before I left the washroom that morning. It's pretty easy to tell somebody through texting.

The result was shocking. I didn't know what to do, or who to tell. So I went to work. I was sitting in my office which I shared with a coworker. She must have sensed something because even though people were in and out of the room, I received a blackberry message from her asking if I was okay. So, once again, I told somebody the news by texting it. She hugged me and told me how happy she was about it, and I cried. It may have been the first time I cried -but NOT the last. One of the announcers came in while I was crying, but we didn't explain.

The day was a blur. I was in sales at a radio station, but I am pretty sure I didn't make any calls that day. I had an event to go to that day for a remote. The sales manager called me into his office, and explained how we were having phone problems, but it wouldn't ruin the remote. Then he asked me if that's why I was crying earlier. It was funny to imagine crying over something so small when I was going through something so big. I tried not to tell him, but he kept guessing what I was upset about, and it just came out. He was a good boss, and I felt at many times that I could go into the office to talk about anything.

I remember so much even though it was quite a long time ago. Strange how it all still sticks in my mind like it was yesterday. Although I seriously remember most of the conversation, it's not all important. He was happy for me, and scared for me. Also, he said he was happy that I was talking about keeping it. That surprised me because I didn't consider abortion.

I need to say this before I go on. Just because I didn't have an abortion does not mean I'm pro-life. I think the decision to have an abortion is a horrible decision for somebody to make. I don't judge. I can only imagine, that if I had made that decision, I'd need as much support as I could.

However, the thought did not even cross my mind. I knew I was going to have the baby, and I knew I would raise it alone. My boss also pointed out I was already touching (holding) my belly. I hadn't noticed that.

One other thing I remember about my conversation with him, and this actually came later in the day, but it's the most important thing that he said to me. "I don't want to worry you, but my wife had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy." To some, that may seem mean, but to me, I found it respectful and honest. It's a realistic thought, and it's something anybody needs to consider. Especially in their first trimester. I am realistic about life, but I also had lived a life with no tragedy, and was in the 'it won't happen to me' stage of my life. I won't be in that stage again.

I knew in my head I shouldn't tell anyone because of the obvious. (and what the whole story is leading to). I told people. I've never been one for secrets. I love to talk, and I hate holding things in. Once again, I've learned my lesson.

I called my best friend in Saskatoon at lunch that day. I told her, and she was so excited. I remember her talking about my boyfriend, and imagining our family together, but also we both knew it wasn't going to happen. Shortly after finding out, she bought a ticket to fly up and see me.

While writing this, I have teared up more than once. Not important to the story, but maybe it will give an idea of who I am. She knew I needed somebody, and she came. I can't ask for anything more than that. Her role only gets bigger in this story. She wasn't coming until the middle of December.

By the end of the first night, I had basically told my everybody I work with, and two friends. That's a lot of people. The next day I told my sister and my soon to be ex boyfriend. I won't repeat that story.

The only people left to tell were my parents. It took me a week. In fact, I spoke to my mom once and didn't tell her.

When I finally called her, it was the day of my staff Christmas Party. Possibly my first party that I would be not drinking at. I stood in my kitchen and told her. She was obviously in shock, but did say she thought something was going in on from our last conversation. Accidentally pregnant at 28 and afraid to tell her parents... My parents have wanted to be grandparents for a VERY long time, so even though they were surprised, they were happy. After I got off the phone with them, I began getting ready for the party. My mom phoned back, and had obviously gotten over the shock. She asked if she could tell people. I said yes, especially considering how many people I had already told. I figured a few more wouldn't make a difference. My mom and I were in the 'safe bubble'. We weren't yet used to bad things happening -or tragedy, as I already said.

My mom told her father, and my dad told his mother. (my grandparents). Their reactions were similar, 'That's Erin.' I thought this was kind of a sad reaction. Only because it seems to me somebody who gets pregnant accidentally is a bit of a screw up. It made me feel like they felt that way about me. They weren't surprised. I think I read too much into it.

There was a certain moment, and I can remember it so clearly. I was driving home from Wing Wednesday  when I felt calm. I felt it settle over me. That's when I knew, it was okay. I knew I could be a mom, and I was prepared to do it alone. I guess I was at peace with my situation, and it felt good.

I guess there are moments of the pregnancy I don't remember. I'll skip to when my friend came to visit. Denise came to visit. (I don't want to have a lot of names in this, but those who know me, know Denise anyway).

Back story time: This is pretty important to everything. When I moved to Whitecourt, Denise knew somebody who also lived here. Her coworker, had a son living in Whitecourt. She had given me his phone number. It wasn't really a set up, but it sort of was. She wanted me to be able to meet people here, and he was a cute guy who lived in the same town. Strange how with one phone call, I could have met him, and it would have been so easy. Instead, I went through all the work of setting up an online profile, and meeting a stranger.  So, long story short, I didn't call him.

That's the back story. She decided when she came to visit to call him. Actually, her exact words were, 'If you haven't heard from the father, I'm calling Cameron!'.  I'm letting his name slip into the story as well -because he's in it.

She called him, and we all met up for supper. I liked him instantly, but didn't really believe that it would come to anything. I probably wished it would, but could have settle for his friendship. He was charismatic, and funny. He was nice. He also already knew I was pregnant. Denise had already told his mom, and she had passed along the news.

He came with us to Edmonton the next day to drop Denise off at the airport. I was upset for most of the drive, and cried at the mall. It was so nice having somebody there who knew me, and loved me. It's another moment that stands out because Cam saw me crying, and said, "You guys are best friends, aren't you?" I don't even think that's important, and if I were to try to get this published, I'd edit it out. It just seemed like such a simple statement that said SO much. I didn't want my best friend to go.

We talked a lot on the way home. Talked and listened to music. It was nice and it was comfortable. I found him easy to talk to, and comfortable to be with.

When I dropped him off at his house, he offered his friendship. I happily accepted. We were each heading home for Christmas, so wouldn't meet up again until the New Year.

Christmas and New Year were pretty quiet. I got baby gifts already. Just little things. I still have some of them, in my baby box downstairs.

I came home and got back to work. Cameron called me, and we made plans to go to Edmonton together so he could drop off a rental car, and come back with me. We hung out, and shopped, and got to know each other.

When we got home, we decided to go to visit my friends the next day in a town about three hours away. I liked that he wanted to do these spur of the moment things with me. This has nothing to do with the pregnancy, but everything to do with a relationship that we were about to begin. We began it. We skipped the dating part though, and went straight to being in a relationship. We moved too quickly -more quickly than I've ever moved.

He had no idea, but he was about to stick through the hardest part of my life.

Which ends this blog entry. The hardest part is yet to come. I'm hoping to write it tomorrow, but I end up staying up later and later every night, so we'll see how I feel. There should only be one more part, and it's obvious what it is. (Won't stop me from sharing).

By the way, as with the other entry (and most of them), I've read through it once to edit and find grammar mistakes. That doesn't mean I've found them all. It's almost 2 in the morning, and I have a habit of rushing.

Baby Loss Awareness Entry One

As far as I can tell, October is a month to recognize baby loss awareness, but it seems to be in the UK more than anywhere else. I've attached a web address for the one in the UK. There is also a facebook group, and that's how I first heard about it.

http://www.babyloss-awareness.org/

For this day, for this cause, I'm going to tell my story. It's one of my stories, but an important one. I'm starting late, so I may not be able to finish it before I need to sleep. It's probably not hard to figure out what this story is about, and I've made no secrets about it. Frankly, I think the topic of miscarriage is more taboo than it should be. It felt to me that people didn't tell me about their experiences until I had lost the baby. While it was good to hear that other people had a shared experience, it was a surprise to me how many had lost a baby.

I've both read and heard about other miscarriage stories. Mine is different. I guess everybody believes that they have different stories. Most of the stories I've heard about married couples who have been trying to have a baby, and they lose it. This seems worse than what I went through. These people had planned to bring a baby into the world to love and care for. I didn't.

I'm not sure where to start with this story. I guess the father. I met him online. I had just moved to my new town, and I didn't know anybody. After being single, for a few years (other than flings), I decided I wanted to be in a relationship. I just didn't know how to meet anybody. It was my first attempt with online dating. Hopefully my last. There weren't a lot of men to pick from. I started sending messages to one particular guy who lived out of town, and had a job that required him to be gone two weeks at a time, back one week, and gone again. It doesn't seem like a desirable pick, but I decided to go for supper with him.

To make a long story short, it wasn't love. I was so focused on trying to make the relationship work that I didn't stop to think that the relationship was going nowhere. I thought he was funny, and I thought his roommates were funny. They were fun, and they loved to drink. Looking back, I only liked him half the time. I thought he was moody, and irritating. His profile was much better than he was. We were together four months. Somebody pointed out after that, it was actually a 6 week relationship since he was gone most of the time.

I'm not very good at taking things slow. I can admit that. I easily jump into situations, relationships, and life. I don't stop to think. I do things too quickly, which is probably why I end up getting hurt. Actually, looking back I can see that's something different in me now. I'm scared of life. I started dating him, and I was not on birth control. We were unsafe. It's not something I like to admit, and it's scary to think how precarious I was with my own life. I told him from the start that I wasn't on birth control, and we needed to use condoms. He didn't always listen, and I didn't always stop him.

I guess, I'm lucky that the only thing that happened was getting pregnant. No STI's, no HIV -just a surprise pregnancy. It wasn't at all an attempt to get pregnant, or a way to 'keep my man'. It was not planned, and a bit of a shock.

I found out the first week of December. The father was at work (so gone). I knew when he'd be back, and was ready to finally tell him. I had already spilled the beans to coworkers. I knew in my head, that it wasn't a good idea (I knew the risks), but I guess I didn't believe anything could really happen. My heart and stomach were nervous and twisting at having to tell the father, and my parents.

When he came back, I had expected him to call. He didn't. I called him -he didn't respond to my messages. I knew that without knowing I was pregnant, he was probably planning to break up with me. I felt it, and believe it or not, I didn't care. At that point, a break up was the least of my worries. He wasn't answering my calls, so I went to his house. He wasn't home, but his suitcase was there, so I knew he'd be there some time. When he got home, he came and sat next to me. I told him we needed to talk. I'm sure he was thinking that I would break up with him. He probably thought that would make his life a lot easier. Instead, I shocked him with the news of my pregnancy. It all felt so wrong. He didn't want to be with me, and I had no idea what I wanted. Instead of manning up and breaking up with me, he slept with me. That -was the most hurtful, horrible way I've ever been treated. In the end, it didn't matter.

I slept over at his place that night. It's important to mention that this was also the last time I ever saw him. In the morning, we didn't speak. Finally, I told him I was leaving. I went to start my car, and came in while waiting for it to warm up. I had a bit of a breakdown. My first of many. I cried. He came to me and apologised for not knowing what to say. We stood in silence. And then I left.

This recap is sounding very matter of fact. My heart was breaking, but not over him. It was breaking over the things that were happening. I wasn't unhappy about the pregnancy, but I wasn't prepared from it. The next day, I saw on facebook that he was 'leaving town, to where, he didn't know'.

He was gone over Christmas, and I never heard from him until I emailed him to ask what he was thinking. I told him in the email that I knew he was planning to break up with me, and I didn't care about that, I just wanted to know what his plans were. He emailed back telling me we'd talk when he came back from work, but he was planning to break up with me, and he didn't believe we should stay together for a baby. He did want to help though. It made me angry because I didn't want to stay together, he just assumed. It was over, and I didn't care, and neither did he. I knew it was over the day I told him I was pregnant. I have a lot of resentment towards him. Towards any man who runs instead of facing what needs to be faced.

I'm glad I got the first bit done. In my next entry, I plan to talk about the pregnancy going to the beginning. So even though, I've skipped bits this time, I just wanted to get the most insignificant part of the story out of the way. I can't write it all in one blog. I thought I could, but all the stories are separate. So Entry One: the un-man who got me pregnant. Entry Two: -the pregnancy.

We'll see how it goes from there.

I'm not sure who is reading this, but please respect what I'm writing about. This is hard for me. I've wanted to write about it for some time, and am taking a major and scary step by publishing it for all to read. (do one thing a day that scares you: pressing Publish Post is it).

What used to be fiction

I used to write so much. I wrote true things in my journal, and fiction for others to read. To be perfectly honest, I was pretty good. I put myself into the story, and was able to feel things that I had never experienced in a different character.

I can't do that anymore. I keep trying, but I'm not able to finish a short story. I do much better at writing non-fiction. Well -I would do better, if I sat down and started. I may have found it easier to write fiction when I was naive, and hadn't experienced life. Now, my head is full of my own life, and things that are happening to people I know.

I've got a lot of memories and plans rolling around in my head lately. I'm pretty sure it's because my 30th is looming. (I mean REALLY looming as it's September 11th).

I'm actually not sad to be growing older. I love new phases. My 20s were great and busy, and I'm so proud of what I did. However, I feel like I'm still so behind in life. I guess, it's the stereotypes I feel like I'm behind in. I'm turning 30, and I don't have a career or a husband or kids. I can understand not having all three, but I really wanted something. I've been focusing on my career, I guess. I mean, why else would I have gotten a University degree and then go back for a Broadcasting diploma? I had hoped radio was my career. Actually I still hope radio will be a career, it just can't be in sales. Which means, I have to take a break from radio until I can find something.

Once again, I've gotten off the topic. I don't have either of these. (I'm including marriage and kids as one, even though it isn't necessary). I want a career, but if I have to work a crap job while still writing, that's fine, as long as I'm writing, and as long as the writing is going somewhere. (I do want a great job too though). The marriage and kids... well I don't have them yet. However, I've found a man that I love more than anything. We live together in a great house, and have a cat and a dog. That's a family. We aren't married -we aren't even engaged, but we're happy and in love. I should be happy with that. I am happy with that. Kids is a topic I'll have to get into later. Too much for the 30 post.

When I was just a kid, I wrote letters to myself to open when I turned 20. It's something that makes me feel great about me as a kid. I loved writing even then. I opened them all September 11, 2000. That day, I decided to write myself letters for another 10 years to open September 11, 2010. I don't know what to expect. There have been drastic changes from my first letter to the last. My 20s were a whirlwind of experiences and life. I might have to take a bit of alone time on that day.

I guess, I have to go into my 30s with more goals because I'm at a point in my life, where they feel important. Things that will make me a better person, things I want, fun goals and life goals. I'll probably share them here.

This isn't what I had planned this post to be, but I guess that's the way I am. Too many things rolling around in my head -as I said. I have to get them out one thing at a time.

I'll try to write tomorrow. No promises though.

Melfort

It's getting late. It always seems to be late when I write. I put it off. Maybe it's because I have too many stories to tell. I'm either scared to tell them, or too lazy to tell them. I've thought about so many different things to talk about since the last entry. I wanted to start with an easy story. Believe me, these past couple of years have not been 'easy stories'. That's in my opinion. I guess that's the point of a blog. My hard luck stories are probably not even close to real hard luck stories.

However, for most of my life, as I like to say, I was living in a bubble. I understood difficulties, but I had never truly experienced them. The worst I had experienced by the time I was 25 was death of pets and break ups. To be honest, the break ups weren't bad. The most painful one was when I was turning 25. I was in Korea, and broke up with my boyfriend of five years. That was hard, but looking back, not as hard as it should have been. Either way, I was still in my bubble.

The stories I have are from beyond the bubble. The one I wanted to start with was about my condo, and the people I rented it to, but that's so far into my bubble being popped, that it may cause confusion.

I have a different blog about Korea. Which, I hate to say, but that's where life started for me. That's where I lost some of my insecurities, and began to live life. I stopped caring, and just did. That was probably naivety as well, but that's the way I stayed for a few years. Either way, I'm not going to start any stories from Korea because while they were important to the way I am now, they have already been read. I plan to someday write about my experiences there (a book would be great), but not here. This is the place for me to be brave and talk about all those things I haven't.

I'm going to start in Melfort. I stopped writing in broadcasting school. I lived in Saskatoon at that point. To be honest during the duration of Broadcasting school and being a receptionist at Leon's Furniture, I was pretty precarious with my life. And I don't mean in dare devil experiences. I should have cared more about myself when it came to flings and relationships because although I loved being single, I was actually pretty desperate. I don't know how to explain it because I'm no longer there. It's like I was scared of relationships, but I wanted one so badly.

Either way, I moved to Melfort for radio. Instead of going into broadcasting, I went into Creative Writing in radio. I wrote the commercials. And I loved it.

What I had trouble with was Melfort Saskatchewan. (I just googled it, but haven't found the population yet, I think it's around 8000). I found it quite clique, and had trouble finding a group. I wanted friends, but found myself travelling to Saskatoon a lot to see my old ones. I had work friends, but they were married, with kids, and were happy. I loved that, but felt bad for myself.

I feel like I should mention that at this point in my life, even though I was 27 in Melfort, I did not have my driver's licence. It's really something I was truly embarrassed to admit. I didn't get it in high school because I was scared to, in University I took the bus and didn't need it. In Korea we had a subway system, and I had no reason at all to drive. While I lived in Saskatoon, I walked everywhere, took the bus, and relied on friends. However, when I was in Melfort, I wanted to get out. What should have been an hour and a half drive to Saskatoon took about four hours on bus.

Finally, I asked for help. I do not ask for help easily. When I asked, I cried because I was so embarrassed. My boss (who was my age) took me driving, and let me drive her truck for the test. I passed and had my license. It was that easy. Makes you wonder why I didn't go earlier.

You have no idea how long that was on my New Year Resolution list. The list started looking pretty empty after that.

Back to how I got to where I am now. While in Melfort, although I loved my job, I craved moving out of Melfort. Let me make myself clear, I loved my job, and I loved my coworkers. I had a great time everyday that I was at work. To be honest, I miss it to this day. My job was to write every day. I gave it up so move. That was my motive. I wanted to get out of Melfort. I wanted to start my life and Melfort wasn't the place for a single girl (especially with no single guys). I wrote commercials for a 'sister' radio station in Whitecourt Alberta. I loved it, but wished I lived in this far off town. I was given the opportunity when they needed to replace a sales person. Account Executive... My bosses convinced me (although they were in sales as well), that I would love the job.

I was ready for something new, and looked forward to the new experience. My travel bug instincts were in full force and I was ready.

That's Melfort. Not as exciting as the rest. Exciting may be the wrong word, but it's close.

I'm going to try to proof read now. But really, I'll probably just press spell check. Which means nothing for the real proof reading... but it's late. So hopefully tomorrow, I'll fix any mistakes.

I have a story to tell

It will have to wait though. I promised my friend that I would write every day, so that's why this post is only a line. It's almost 1am, and I work tomorrow. It'll be a good story though. I promise. (a real story, not a made up one... I'm not ready to share my fiction with the world yet). Sorry, I know this is cheating!

Do One Thing A Day That Scares You

"Do one thing a day that scares you'. I have a lulu lemon bag that sits in my bathroom (It holds bathroom stuff), and that's one of the things it says. It has a lot of inspirational saying, but that's the one I notice first. In fact, I'll probably be quoting more from the bag in different posts.

I've already hopped off the topic. For a while in my life, I was completely comfortable with myself, with my life, and I felt invincible. I felt like I could do anything, and nothing scared me. Since than, life has kicked me, and I've changed. I'm scared of a lot more. In other words, to do one thing a day that scares me, shouldn't be hard to do. I'm scared of a lot of things. However, it feels like I've been letting life pass me by.

While, I don't think I'll be bungee jumping anytime soon, just coming back to this blog is a little bit scary to me. I know I'm a good writer, but I'm planning to write things here that are personal. I'm planning on at some point telling the story about life kicking me when I'm down. Not today though. I need to start slowly.

The other worry I have about blog writing is that I don't have a lot to say that deems important enough to write in a blog (in my opinion). If you've looked at the other entries, they're not very interesting. Possibly because I haven't made them interesting. I loved writing when I traveled. It seemed like it was something people enjoyed reading, and a great way to remember my trip. As well, I love reading blogs from people travelling, and doing exciting things. Or people going through scary things. I highly recommend The Bees Knees. You should be able to google it. It's about a very brave woman (only in her late 20s) going through a battle with breast cancer. She was candid and honest about everything, and let people know what she was going through. It was well written, and so very sad.

Those are the blogs that people should read. I'm not there. This is going to be about my thoughts and my life. When I get brave enough, I will be completely candid, and talk about the last few years.

Obviously, because the last entry was written in 2007, and it's now 2010 a lot has changed. So to quickly update on my life, I'm living in Whitecourt Alberta right now. I came here for a sales position at the local country radio station. I LOVED working in radio (before sales, I was a Creative Writer for the commercial), but I didn't love sales. I met Cameron here. He'll be mentioned a lot.
That's enough for now. I'm going to try to write a lot, but I can't guarantee that.

Erin

Good news

Okay, so things are looking pretty up right now. I just got accepted into the Western Academy Broadcasting College very last minute, and I start on Monday.

The friendly people at Royal Bank are helping me with paying for it (I have to speak to them again today, but it looks like things are a go).

The course is short and pricey, and according to them well worth the money. It has broadcasting booths and a mock TV station as well. So with all it's latest technology, it should help me out to be a great broadcaster...

Which brings me to my next subject, kind of. I've decided not to go into education. I forgot for a time that I'm not a fan of children. I think this career may be more suited for me, and hopefully I'm right.

NEXT, I'm moving out of my house at the end of this month. I don't want to jinx this but after one day of looking at newspaper ads, I may have already found the perfect apartment. It's downtown (or City Park) (where I wanted), it's a bachelor suite (which I wanted), it's a nice price (which I really needed). It also has hard wood floors, the building is really old which they refer to as 'classic'. I haven't actually seen it yet, but I will as soon as I make an appointment to.

I'm so excited.

And lastly, It's GROUNDHOG DAY! Yeah!

Erin

whoa... flashback

Consequently, while looking at my last tease of a blog I realised, that if I were still with Garnet, the day before that entry would have been our 7 year anniversary of dating. Shit that's weird. What's more strange is that I met a new guy that day.

Enough of that, tonight is my update night, but unfortunately it won't last long b/c I haven't seen my cat in more than a day, and he really wants some attention, and pretty soon he'll be sitting on my laptop... guess that means I should take a break and watch the latest Torchwood. OOOhhh, I love that show.

Where was I going? Oh yeah, I have been so busy lately that I haven't had time to write at all, and today I finally had a chance to write in my paper joural (for lack of better words) before I went to work. It felt good, and I'm almost finished it. I love being finished journals because it's like and end of something, and time to start fresh. I love it. And I need it right now very badly.

I'm still working two jobs, but may not be able to keep the job at Coles after Christmas... because I like to have the occasional day off.

Good news though... Christmas is coming, and I am not prepared in the slightest... although I did put up a beautiful Christmas tree.

Okay, gotta go.

Erin

It's COLD Here!

Last night I woke up freezing, I added a hoodie to my layer of clothing and then lay in my bed freezing for the next two hours until I fell back to sleep. Today it was absolutely freezing outside thanks to the wind... I kept thinking... I miss Korea. So to all you that are feeling the cold in Korea... I don't feel sorry for you or believe you!

The good news is that it's snowing again and I LOVE SNOW.

Erin

Being Single

Today I decided to go and watch a movie. My sister has sent me a free movie pass, so I decided I'd go to the movies all by myself.

I'm not sure how I thought it would make me feel. Liberating. That probably sounds silly to poeple who go to movies by themselves, but for me it was the first time I had. It was a celebration of being single I guess. I had a bad night (but good in some ways) that basically left me feeling confused and a little upset with the direction my life is going.

I'm sick of being single. But I'm not really. I don't mind doing things on my own, I just sometimes wish that I had another single friend to do it with. That's pretty hard to find, apparantly. You'd think it wouldn't be, but my friends right now are all either engaged or in a committed relationship. Scary, I know.

Point is, I don't mind being single, I just miss having somebody to do single things with... but if there's no one else, why not hang out with the best single girl there is: me.

The movie I went to see was The Gridiron Gang. Gridiron as in Grid Iron... I mispronounced it when I went to buy the ticket. Now this may seem like a silly choice for me to see... it's a sports movie with absolutely no 'chick-flickishness' in it. Let's be honest though, any sports movie ever made is a cry movie. All the inspirational crap really gets to a person. This one was no different. I needed a good cry, and I got it.

Of course, if all else fails, I just watch Sex and the City. Those single girls are the most understanding girls there are.

Okay.

update on the pajamas

Okay, so I have now joined a gym which means that I no longer have to wear my cute workout clothes to bed.

Erin

Oh yeah, here's a pic with my newly coloured hair.
And this is of my newly painted wall and my new map design... I like this one better, I made it prettier, and the wall looks pretty good as well.

Picture Time

Let's see... pics are of... my new wall in my new house... I put up my world and added pictures from places I have been in the world (and tried to put the pics in the right places, but this world is smaller than my pics... but there they are none the less. The other pics are of pretty trees, Rolo in my new house, and Rolo and Sylvia at Karen and Aric's.

Okay bye.

Back again

Hey so this will be short because I'm tired. Actually to be completely honest, I have nothing to do tonight, but refuse to leave my room because I'm tired of being social with my new roommates. I moved into a new place on Sunday. I live with a 21 year old guy and a 19 year old girl... and I feel old. Because I don't want to grow up, I assumed they would be more mature than me... I was mistaken.

The rent is good though, so I'll be here for a while... and my cat is with me so he keeps me company... he won't leave the room because he's too scared of the dog that lives here. I never realised before that the reason Rolo (my cat) is such a jerk is because he's just scared. Poor thing, as I explain to everyone who comments on his jerkiness, he came from a broken home, and has had trouble dealing with his issues.

I'm working at Coles bookstore (I may have mentioned that), but am looking for something ANYTHING that has to do with my degree and that will give me better hours and more money. Maybe soon.

Okay enough, I have to find something else to keep me busy.

E

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

After that sadsack post yesterday I thought I'd post one more time even though I don't have anything to say but HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. 26 is going to be a great year... it will be challanging to beat 25... but I will.

E

I may grow older, but I'll never grow up.

So I know this is an insult to anybody older than me, but I don't want to get any older. I've been fighting off turing 26 for about a year now, and I think -in about two and a half hours -the fight is going to end.

I normally love my birthday. I like the celebration... and being the center of attention! This weekend was great, but now that I actually have to turn a year older, it's not seeming like it'll be fun at all.

My problem is this: I had a huge year. Being 25 resulted in having a competely great year. I had ups and downs, but mostly ups. I'm scared of 26, and of not having the same great year... which I know is completely up to me, and me alone.

But seriously, while I was 25, I was single for the first time in five and a half years. I had some fun flings -and some not so fun flings. I had a crush... well crushes. I lived in a different country. I lived alone for the first time (no roommates or other such things). I ran off a cliff twice (paragliding)- I snorkelled in the ocean. I tried new things that I should have tried years ago like snowboarding, surfing and skateboarding (I know the skateboarding thing didn't work out, but I still did it). I learned that while I did try new things, I'm really not as brave as I thought I was, but it will make me try harder (bungee jumping: some day I will do it). I went to three different countries. I learned more about myself, and learned that I will never stop learning about myself. I met some of the greatest people, and I know that some I will continue to be friends with, and some I will lose touch with, but the point is that they were wonderful people who made my year great. I also reconnected with older friends that I had lost touch with. I learned how to get over the little things, and I learned that I still need to learn how to get over the little things. I may have also learned what I want to do with the rest of my life... but knowing me that will change in a month anyway, so I'll wait to announce my newest life plan. I laughed a lot. I also learned to laugh at the many embarrassing things I did. I came home. -But I'm still looking for where home is.

I just needed to write some of those down. I'm scared for 26 because I am back to real life now, and things are not going to be the same. I am fighting this growing up thing in EVERY WAY possible. So far it's working, but I'm scared that my luck may have run out.

Erin

Update Time

Well, I guess it's time for an update. Here it is: I'm still jobless, still homeless (but have a place to stay), and getting sadder at the state of my life by the second... but don't worry, I'll figure it all out. It's moments like this, however, that I think back to that moment when I decided I didn't want to teach for another year, and almost regret the decision. Almost. I'm glad I'm home though.

It was my grandfather's 80th birthday on Labour Day, and I was there with all the rest of my family to help in celebrate. That felt pretty good, it seems like I've missed every Burton family celebration since I've graduated high school (the 50th Anniversary, and last year my Grandma's 80th), so it was nice to see everyone. The best part though was seeing how happy my grandpa and grandma were to have there whole family at home. Everyone made it out, all their kids, and all their kid's kids. (And the kid's kid's kids). If only I hadn't been PMSing... I would have been able to handle the question, "Have you found a job yet?" a lot easier. My family is very supportive though, so that's nice.

What else? I'm still jobless. I had an interview to sell shoes at The Bay, but I couldn't force myself to do that. I'd rather work at a restaurant or a coffee shop or something. Actually, to be completely honest, I'm planning to go back to school as soon as possible because obviously an English degree gets a person (me) no where in life.

The good news... My Birthday is coming soon!!!! I love my birthday. Monday is the day, and I'm planning to celebrate all weekend!!

I'm sure it will go better than my last birthday when the cops drove me home (because I couldn't get there on my own!) Cheaper than a cab I guess... that was Korea though, luckily there is no soju here.

Okay. Bye.

Erin

Home... well, my parent's home

I'm home.

My flight to Vancouver from Taiwan was long long long, and Katie and I were not anywhere near eachother, and I almost got charged about $400 C'dn for my fat luggage (luckily with some shuffling, we were able to put some in Katie's bag).

I'm still pretty tired now, and tomorrow, I'll start the whole job hunting thing. I'm not looking forward to it.

What else? I had a makeover in The Body Shop for free in Vancouver while waiting for the plane to Calgary. They must have been really bored, and losing business because anything they sold would have to be returned if people were boarding a plane. I did discover the most amazing new makeup/thingy that I didn't buy because it may have been a bomb.

Anyway, I'm home, and will hopefully soon be getting a job... and will be in Saskatoon soon as well.

Erin

Home soon

I will be adding pictures later. I need to try to fix my camera first, for some reason it is sick of me and no longer works. So as soon as it stops keeping the pictures hostage, I will work on getting them back.

I'm completely packed and wasting time on this mean computer that steals my money. Once again, I have overpacked, but there's nothing I can do about that now. I'm really looking forward to getting home, but not really looking forward to finding a job when I get home.

I actually have a lot I would like to say, but to be completely honest, and as I have been doing for this whole trip, I am sweating from every body part, and really uncomfortable in this computer roomish heat sauna wave place, so I think I will get off the computer and go to my air conditioned room, and then type more when I get home... wherever that may be.

Erin

Jeju-do you have nothing on Green Island

Well, right now we are in Taitung. We are staying at a cheap little hostel that gives us our own bathroom. Sold.

Today we decided to take just a day trip to an Island called Green Island (appropriatly named because of all the green water). We had been planning to spend the night, but didn't want to lug our luggage (haha ironic) all that way with the chance of not finding a place to stay. Green Island is by far one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, and if I had known I was going to get to a PC room tonight I would have brought my camera and shown some pictures.

Katie and I rented a scooter to drive around the island (which takes only a half hour if you don't stop at the sights). So we had plenty of time to drive around and see everything. Katie drove, and I was the backseat navigator ("Stop here, it's pretty." "That sign looks cool." "Umm, I don't see any English on that sign it must not be good.") It went pretty well, we had a great day, and once again got burned -it's a never ending viscious circle.

So the island was good. Way better than the 'best island ever, Jeju-do' -and much cheaper to get to.

It was a good day, and although we didn't do anything but tour and take way too many pictures, it was fun.

Tomorrow we are off to our next destination... hopefully Keelung with a few stops on the way.

Erin

Uh, sorry for the spelling mistakes, this blogger is in Chinese, and I don't have the patience to reread it, although I know there are many. I suck.

Typhoon typhoon

Another crisis diverted. For the past couple of days we have been in Kenting (or Kending) trying to go surfing.

We stayed in a little town right before Kending actually -we were lucky enough to stay above the surf shop that we would have rented boards from the next day. When we asked if he had a room (a Westerner who lives there now) he said he had bunk beds, and after finding out the price we went for them. It was actually a room full of bunkbeds and we had the most uncomfortable mattress ever, but it was still cool sleeping above a surf shop. We decided to stay for two nights because we wanted to get as much surfing in as possible. The next day, they closed the beach because of a typhoon headed to the area. It was sad that we didn't get to surf, but we had a relaxing day, and did get in the water before they closed it down. We have one more spot to hit that is supposed to have good surf, so I guess we'll see. The little town was nice though, and the people warmed up to us.

We are back in Kaohsiung right now, but won't be for long. We leave tomorrow for Taitung. My camera won't hook up to the computer so I can't put up anymore pics, but I will someday. Tonight we are going to a KTV room which in Korea would be called a Singing Room. I'm pretty excited about it.

I'm not sure when I'll have access to the Internet again. We will be back in Taipei on the 15th of August, so then for sure, but who knows if sooner. We fly out on the 17th, and I'm really looking forward to it!

Anyway, hope the weather is going great where you are because it's still SOOOO HOT here.

Melting,
Erin

Taiwan Pictures

Here are some pictures of my time in Taiwan. Most of them were taken in Taipei, and all of them were taken on Katie's camera because she already put the pictures on the computer, and I am too lazy to use my own pictures.

The first one is the Ghost Festival, which so far includes starting a fire and burning 'ghost money'. Which is what the guy is doing. It's taken in Taipei.

The second one is taken at the beach here in Koshieng (I don't have the spelling with me and I can never remember how to spell it), but it's a couple who were getting there wedding photos done (before the wedding, of course).

The next one is my head in the 101 building. We were on the 89th floor I think.

The next one is a picture of the night markets. My head is in that one as well.

The last one is of our first meal in Taiwan. It was actually called Japanese BBQ, but it was just like a Korean bbq as well (without the great paste tasty thing).

And that's it. I'll write in a couple of days.

Erin

hot hot hot

I'm kind of looking forward to winter in Saskatchewan. Although the cold usually gets too cold, I've always loved winter -the briskness, the snow, all of it. I guess that gives me something to look forward to... but job first!

Here -it is hot. Always always hot. However everywhere has aircon so you go from hot hot hot to cold cold cold to hot hot hot, and there is never an in between.

I just realised how tired I am, and that this is boring even for me typing it.

Right now we are in the second largest city called Koahsiung. Katie knows a friend of a friend from Calgary who is teaching English here. I've learned that there are as many Canadians as there are in Korea teaching. They seem to be enjoying it, but it hasn't changed my mind about going home for a while. The place these two Calgary girls live in is absolutely beautiful. I'm in love with it. They pay rent themselves, but the place is so great, and has everything. Katie and I are lucky to be able to stay here. So we've been hanging out with English teachers. So far, two Canadians, a Kiwi, and an American girl (who has lived everywhere). It's about the same as in Korea, Saturday nights are the nights where they let loose, and drink a lot of beer. I certainly enjoyed it! We also went to the beach, but were not allowed to swim because it's ghost month, and they don't want us to drown or be drowned by the ghosts... not sure really yet all about that.

Today we relaxed most of the day (got over the tiredness from the Sat Beer night) and then went out for supper at a nice Mexican restaurant. We also went to the night markets here... I love markets, but I really miss shopping in Korea. The stuff seemed cheaper, but maybe it's because I'm on a budget now that I don't have a job.

Tomorrow we will do some sort of sightseeing in the morning, and then take the bus to Kenting (which is at the bottom of Taiwan), and hopefully go surfing and swimming, and everything. We are leaving some things here, as to make our backs hurt less from all of our things, and then when we come back here we can stay one more night and then get on the train to our next destination. (Don't know where yet).

My brain just shut off.

Erin

my own sauna

The place in this hostel that has the one crappy computer, is so hot that I think I may be losing weight just sitting here. This was going to be a longer entry, but now I'm looking forward to getting back to my air con room.

Can I just say that Thailand may be the cheapest place in the world, and I'm sad that we had to leave it to live in this pricy place for three weeks. Korea was so much cheaper it seemed. I've been doing a lot of comparing between the two (Korea and Taiwan) since I've been here, and have noticed a lot of differences. Most important is the price of things. Second most important is how different and easy the subway system is here. I enjoyed the complicated Seoul one though.

So here is my update for anyone who cares. I am not going to stay here for a year. With all the trouble with the crappy new ex job, I had a thought. I don't want to be here. I don't want to teach for another year in a country where nobody speaks English, and where foreignors tend not to talk to one another unless it's at a bar. Taiwan seems like an absolutely beautiful place, and it would have been nice to teach here, but I need a break from it. I'm going to go home for a year, get a job, and apartment in Saskatoon, help with Karen's wedding (YAH), attend two other weddings that I know about, and see my family. After my year is over, I'll make a new plan... Actually I've already decided to buy the Lonely Planet for Ireland and have it near me all the time, so it will give me initiative. I am going to get there!

So for those of you planning to see me in Taiwan, I'm sorry my plans changed. I felt absolutely horrible about giving up or quitting. For anyone who knows me, you know that I don't quit (accept for volleyball), and I don't take it lightly that I am stepping away from a committment. However, coming home is going to be incredibly hard as well because it will be a step towards doing that growing up thing that I swore I wouldn't do. We'll see what happens. My guess is I'll only last a year... but I promise (Karen) that I will stay for a year!

Anyway, we are heading out of Taipei tomorrow, which will be nice. I'm enjoying the city, but am looking forward to heading to some coasts and going surfing and swimming. (but once again, it won't be as cheap as Thailand). I miss Thailand now!

Okay, if I can find a computer from a far, I will definately update or add pictures, but I don't even see any place in Taipei that has them, which is strange. (Once again, in Korea, there was a PC room on every street).

Erin

time to relax

Now that I know I don't have to worry about going to my job or looking for a job (yet), this is going to be a nice vacation. We are already planning to head down to the surfing areas, and also do some beach bumming. I go to get my useless big suitcase on Friday, and then I can put it in storage.

Erin

My job in Taiwan

I no longer have a job in Taiwan. I quit today. It made for a very unhappy man because he had planned for me to start work today. That wasn't in my plans, and it never was... if he breaks his end of the deal, I can break mine. Unfortunately, they have my suitcase in what was to be my new home. I want it back.

That is it...

Erin

Taiwan

In Taiwan... things are already going horribly.

tired beyond tiredness

Well, this isn't going to be long because I am sitting here possibly wearing my Thai pants wrong, sweating like crazy, and probably smelling a little bit as well. I was going to try to download some pictures of me and my new tiger friends, but the camera doesn't seem to agree with what I want to do... or the computer doesn't agree... which ever one, I don't have the patience.

Yesterday, I finally got my Taiwan Visa back (and my passport), so that's finally finished. We shopped for the rest of the day... I bouught some things that now fit very badly, and I'm wondering what it was that possessed me.

Last night on our way home (about 11pm maybe), we decided we weren't quite ready to call it a night even though we had to be in our lobby by 7am to meet our minivan that was taking us on our trip. We went to one of the many local restaurants/pubs in the area, and finally met some friendly people. We were talking to some English blokes, when I decided to check out what the time was. Mark's answer was "4:30am". Time seems to move pretty quickly, we were still in the pub, and Katie and I decided from there that maybe it would be easier to just not go to bed at all, therefore saving ourselves from having to get up in the morning. It worked out okay, after leaving the pub we headed to a different restaurant on Kosan Road that served breakfast.

Once again we lost track of time, and by the time we got home, neither of us had time to do any sort of preparing for the rest of the day before the van came. I had time for a two second shower and to change, which was more than Katie had time for, and we brought absolutely nothing with us except for money and my camera. I had been wearing my contacts for over 24 hours by this time.

We drove in the van, and were constantly referred to as "The Canadian girls," as in: "How are the Canadian Girl's doing?" "Are you ever going to behave?" (Umm, the last comment came in a boat when the driver poked me with her paddle because I wasn't perfectly centered in the middle of the boat.

Anyway, we went to the Floating Markets, which were pretty cool, we had a traffic/boat jam in the middle of the market (which is when I was paddle poked). It was pricey there, so we didn't actually buy anything, but it was an experience that you have to do I think. (Although we saw the miniature one at Ancient World, and thought it was just as nice).

From there, we got back into the extremely uncomfortable van and headed for lunch. Blah blah blah, we ended up at the Tiger Temple, which essentially was a Nature Temple of sorts, and the monks took in a homeless little baby tiger, and from there took in more. They had them all on one spot where people could be lead around by the hand by a volunteer and have our picture taken with each of the tigers. They were beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time, and while I think it's sad that they are being used as 'circus animals', I can't really judge seeing as I got in there and posed with the tigers. We were told that they were not drugged, it's just because they have grown up around humans, that they were so calm. I'm not sure. They didn't really seem drugged to me, but the idea, as I said, left me feeling sad and guilty for partaking.

Erin

Thailand Photos

Here are some pictures that took forever to get posted. I think from now on four at a time are all I can handle if they work atr all. The first one is of me getting a Thai massage by the elephants. Actually, for everyone else, it was just the little one stepping on the back, and kissing our necks, but I was lucky enought to have the big one come and kiss me as well. The second one is after the monkey show, when they let people come up and hold the monkey's hands. I fell in love with that monkey. This was done on our elephant trek/safari adventure in Koh Samui. The thirs one, I probably shouldn't feel comfortable enough to show on a blog for everyone to see, but it's me in my bikini on a boat headed from Phuket to Koh Phi Phi (close to where The Beach was filmed). You can see how much darker I've gotten. Umm, I burned that day, however, so now I'm even darker. And the last one is obvious, but this is at the night market when I was trying on a bar, and got my boobies grabbed. I bought the bra shortly after. She did well to pose for the picture, and although it looks like she's getting a good grab at this point, it was not half as much grabbing as she did before the picture!

Anyway, we went to this place called Ancient Thailand today, that I found in the LP and made Katie visit it. I'm glad we did. We rode around on a two person bike, and saw all of Thailand... shrunken Thailand I guess, but it was pretty cool.

So tomorrow I will finally get my Taiwan Visa done and finished, and then we will be relaxing for the rest of the day.

Erin

Paradise only lasts so long... then you get bored

So my days in Thailand are coming to a close. We left Phuket two days ago and have been in Bkk ever since. I'm not liking it as much as I thought I would. As much as I complained about Seoul, I loved it at the same time, and I'm not loving Bkk in the same way. The people seem friendlier on the outside, but really they don't want to help you unless they somehow make money off of you.

We had been planning to take one more trip before we go, but the 'helpful' travel agents messed that up for us. We were originally going to come back to Bkk to get my 60 day tourist visa figured out for Taiwan, but the travel agents we spoke to the first time we were in Bangkok told me that there was no Taiwan embassy, and that I had to go to the Chinese embassy. Believing they knew what they were talking about, and because the Lonely Planet has a list of embassies that doesn't include Taiwan, I believed them. We got a cab to the Chinese Embassy Tuesday morning, and after waiting in line forever, and even asking once if I was doing the correct form for Taiwan, I got up to the front and was told to go to the Taiwan Embassy.

Let me explain something about getting visas at embassies... they are only open for Visas in the morning, so of course, when we arrived (finally) to the Taiwan embassy, they were closed, and we had to return the next day. Which basically ruined any trips we had planned to take. I went back today, and applied and payed, but can't pick it up until tomorrow (although I won't be home tomorrow, so I have to get it the next day). Drama drama drama.

But in other news, while at a night market, I was looking at bras, and after actually putting the bra on me, the sales woman grabbed my boobs on the street... I think she liked it, and I also got to teach her the word 'boob'. I bought the bra because I figured after grabbing my boobs she deserved a little something... and the bra is nice as well!

We have two more day trips planned for Thailand, and then we head out on Monday. Tomorrow (Thurs) we are going to an Ancient City -bright and early in the am. The next day, (Fri) I get to pick up my passport, and the day after (Sat) we are going to the Floating Markets, and to get pictures taken with drugged tigers... i think they are drugged... that's what stops me from getting eaten!?

Oh yeah, also on Sunday I will be going to the weekend market which is supossed to be the best market in Thailand... and I'm getting better at bartering, but Katie is the real expert. So I will probably be buying some gifts at that point, but don't get your hopes up about getting them really quickly... I have a year... Sunday night we are going to a Black Eyed Peas concert. I'll fully admit that I have no idea what Black Eyed peas sing, I'm sure I've heard it before, but I have never really payed attention, or been a fan. I also had no idea they were Canadian until Katie told me. She's pretty excited about seeing a C'dn band in Thailand, and I'm pretty excited about seeing a band in Thailand, no matter who it is.

We also went to a movie today. Apparantly when you go to the theater they do the National anthem before the movie begins. It was a bit lacking, but we stood up for the King. The movie was Lady in the Water. It was pretty good, I wasn't a fan of some parts, but others made up for it.

Tonight during supper we watched the supper of You Me and dupree (I think that's what it's called), some of the hotels have 'movie nights' from the burned movies, but neither of us could wait for the end of the movie... not too good.

And that's it.

Erin

Coconuts and pineapples

Just a short post today to talk about my love for coconuts. It's the only food that I know that tastes good everywhere. Coconuts are delicious by themselves, as a a drink, as a shake, as a pina coloda, as curry or as soup... However, pineapples are only good as a shake or by themselves, they ruin every other food they are in... unlike bananas... they are just bad altogether.

Enough food talk. I didn't end up surfing again today or yesterday. Yesterday we went to explore the Islands outside of Phuket (Koh Phi Phi) (pronounced PeePee). We went on a speed boat, which the brochure deemed 'The Fastest One'. We snorkelled near Monkey Island, and passed the Island that The Beach was made in. It was a good day... I came home bright red though. So today before we go we thought we'd go surfing, or do something, but the waves are HUGE, and I'm still too red to go out.

We are headed back to Bangkok tonight for one or two days. I need to get my Taiwan Visa figured out, and then we will try to hit one more Island before going to Taiwan.

More later.

Erin

By the way, I still haven't been able to post more pics on here, some of the computers are pretty stubborn.

I finally understand it

I went surfing today... It was so great. I got a lesson from a very nice Kiwi/Thai man, and he really was the perfect teacher. He asked if I had ever surfed before, and I said no, and then he asked if I had ever Skateboarded or snowboarded before. I told him that yes I did skateboard before and I dislocated my elbow. He asked me if I was good before I fell off, and I had to tell him it was my first time on it... so no, I wasn't! It worked out though. I did okay, and taking a dive into water hurts so much less than taking a dive into cement... or snow for that matter.

He was very good and encouraging, and now I think I'm addicted. It's kind of like paragliding in the way that you can forget about absolutely everyone and everything that is going on around you. I loved that feeling.

I was out there for more than an hour and a half, and had to come back in because I was pretty exhausted. But, I'm definately going back out tomorrow... and the next day... and then we're leaving Phuket, so I guess that will be it until Taiwan.

Okay, gotta go relax for the rest of the day... or shop... who knows.

Erin

Bad day to write

I probably shouldn't write anything today because I'm having a sad/bad day. I've been up since 6am, and travelling to Phuket for most of the day.

I'm sad because I met somebody I really got along with in Koh Phangan and everything seems impossible -crushes are useless most of the time, but especially when I know I'll never see them again.

I'm really sad because I got an email from my mom with some bad news and all I want to do is go home and hug her, and everyone else in my family. I love you, mom. I wish I was home to hug you!!

However, my trip is still going well, and when I have more time and more patience, I will once again try to put more pictures on here. It is frustrating though, which is why I only got 9 in the last one, and two ended up being the same.

On the 18th, we went to the Half Moon Party, (where I met my new crush) but right before going, I decided to get myself a tattoo. It was a bamboo tattoo, and the man who did it, listened to what I wanted and designed it himself. So it's an original anklet tattoo with a prairie Lily on it to match my shoulder. The Half Moon Party was a fun time, and I was sad to leave the next day for Koh Samai, but at the same time, ready to go. I am also happy that I had my soju drinking practice in Korea because it helped me out in not drinking disgusting buckets too quickly.

We went for an elephant trek yesterday in Koh Samai. We watched an elephant show, got a Thai massage by an elephant (I got elephant kisses) and got to hold a monkeys hand... It was nice. We rode on an elephant for about a half hour, and then went in a Safari Jeep to waterfalls that we were able to swim in. After that we went for a canoe ride in a rubber canoe... Kind of Kayakish actually. It was a wonderful day.

Today we haven't really done anything but travel to Phuket, but tomorrow I will go surfing for the first time. I'm pretty excited about learning... Nervous at the same time... I mean really, I can't even stay on a skateboard! Oh well, I need to learn so I can do it in Taiwan when I get there.

Speaking of Taiwan, I'm pretty excited to go there now. I am almost Thailanded out, and am looking forward to a change in pace.

I have to go, I'll write more and add pics when I'm in a better mood!

Erin

Just Pictures today

Water falls in Koh Phangnam



Happy

Koh Phangan

Well, my fun is coming to an end here. I'm getting a little bit stir crazy on this Island. It's beautiful, but we've been here longer than any other place, and are both ready to go. Are tickets are booked tomorrow for the am. Tonight we are on our way to the half moon party because we missed the full moon party by a day.

Don't have much time left, was going to put some pics on the blog, but it's taking too long. I'll email them for now, I guess.

Erin.

This pic is all I have time for... stupid slow computer... This is the Thai flag, and we are walking towards the boat to go to Koh Tao. I'll put more when I don't want to kill the computer.

E

Finally... some sun

Okay I knew when I was coming here that it was the rainy season, but finally today we had sun. It was wonderful. Now I'm burned and tired. We are going to be having a bit of fun tonight though so I need to wake up, I think we are having a fire on the beach... that's all I'm gonna say.

Tomorrow we are hitting up the Half Moon Party because we missed the Full Moon Party. Still in Koh Phangnan. We will leave the next day bright and early in the morning, and will be heading to Phuket and Phi Phi. From there the plan is to go back to Bangkok to get a 60 day Visa for Taiwan for me, and then somewhere else from there. Time goes by quickly, and we weren't sure about the half moon party because it already seems like time is going too quickly, but hopefully it'll be a great time... we heard it is.

I don't really have much news. I've been scootering around the island with Jeff as my tour guide for a couple of days, and we saw some "waterfalls" yesterday.

I'll post pictures when I'm less lazy.

Erin

COMMENT

Toilets and coconut

Well, I know I wrote yesterday, but here I am again. I'm waiting for my boat to Koh Phangnan, and am taking the opportunity to send some e-mails, and charge my ipod. Speaking of ipods, I love mine. I can't believe I went through a year in Korea without one.

Anyway about the title. I was thinking the toilets here would be more like Korean toilets -squatters, but I have yet to see a squater that's the same as in Korea. These ones don't have flushers, so you have to figure out how to pour the water down quickly enough as to give the force needed for a cleansing flush, but not with enough force that the water will splash back out and hit you. I'm getting pretty good at it except for the odd time when I have just had a vodka bucket with redbull.

As for coconuts, I have never really had a lot of coconut in my life, but I gotta say it, drinking from a coconut under a cool hut on the beach is the best thing ever. Delicious. Coconuts are wonderful wonderful things.

And 2 for 1 vodka buckets... definately meant to share... unfortunately there are just two of us, so we had to drink both of them. Quite the night. (That's all I'm going to say.)

My camera has dead batteries, and I haven't been able to get new ones yet... I haven't tried either, but Katie has her camera, and I will see if there are any good ones to add onto the blog.

Okay, enough. To all you Korean buddies hope you had a blast at the Mud Fest. I'm almost jealous to have missed it. It was a great time last year, and would have been even better this year with all of you there! But then again, I'm enjoying coconuts on the beach so... I'll get over it.

Erin

Finally an update with some news!!!

I am finally done the huge travelling part of my travels, and have been relaxing and enjoying this stunningly beautiful place.

We left Bangkok on a bus to get on a boat to go to Koh Tao (an Island that people use mainly for scuba diving -but apparently more quiet than others). We got on the bus at about 8pm for a six hour trip to the bus. (it was going to be an over night trip with the bus/boat). HOWEVER, our bus broke down, and we sat in the bus that no longer had working air con for five hours. That's not including the times it stopped before that to try to fix it. The trip wasn't looking good, but I knew they'd figure something out. At 5am a new bus came to pick us up, and many many hours later we had to wait for a different boat.

Katie and I got to Koh Tao, got in the back of a truck (the cabs) and drove to Freedom beach where we got ourselves a nice bungalow with the most beautiful view ever.

We jumped into the ocean as soon as changing out of our two day old outfits. (Seriously it was like the trip from Canada all over again).

We also got out Thai massages of the day. It's the second one we have gotten since being here, and this one didn't work out so well for me. It may have been a little of PMS's fault, but the lady was stepping and twisting me in all the wrong places. The good news is, I think she snapped my messed up thumb back into place after being messed up since way before I left Korea.

Speaking of Korea, I've been seeing so many Koreans since coming here, and have talked to some of them as well. (In English!) Actually I've seen people from almost everywhere except Canada.

Back to my life. Today we got up early and went on a snorkeling expedition. We snorkeled in four different places around the island. (going by boat). And it was a great great day. This place is beautiful!!

After dinner at our resort of Freedom, we went for more massages. I decided to go with an oil massage, and Katie decided to as well. Mine went fine, but Katie got a little more than she bargained for. (A lot more.) I for one have been laughing ever since, and thankful that I got the other massager... Might be back to Thai massages for Katie!

Tonight we are going to a Party thing by the dock. The poster said two for one vodka buckets, and frankly I couldn't turn that down.

Tomorrow we are headed to Koh Phangan which is also where Hana and Jeff said. I'm really happy to see Hana, and I know she will know all the best shopping places!!!

I've been eating the Thai food, and enjoying both it and the spiciness (except the really spicy pepper thing that made my tongue burn for about an hour after.)

Also I've been taking lots of pictures, and will send some when I can.

Comment!

Erin

THAILAND!!!!

Well, I arrived here at about 2:30am, after a eleven hour flight and a 8 hour lay over in Taiwan. We were pretty tired when we got here, and were happy to get a nice hotel room with a shower. I was also happy to find a nice cheap place for storing my HUGE Taiwan suitcase.

We will be here until the 1st of August, and are leaving Bangkok today to go do some Island hopping. I'll update more later when I know more... I'm still pretty tired.

Erin

Home but leaving in a day!

This isn't going to be a long entry, but I'm feeling guilty about the lack of entries since I've been home. I will be adding one with pics from home sometime, but I don't have them on any computer but my laptop which is Internet until I'm settled.

I'm leaving on Monday for Thailand, so basically my time in Saskatchewan will come to a close tomorrow as my dad, mom, aunt, and I head for Calgary for a night. Mom and dad will see my friend, Katie, and I off at the airport. She's coming home before September, and I will be staying in Bali Taiwan until the end of June.

Being home has been nice. It's been so nice to catch up with everyone, but I've already said goodbye to most people, and that's been pretty sad. I think I must hit my 'cry quota' in the month before I leave. I'm such a girl.

I'll be in Thailand for three weeks, and am looking forward to the beaches and everything else. I also get to travel in Taiwan before I actually start work for a month.

That's it. Told you this would be short. I haven't been in the writing mood lately. It'll come back soon though, I hope.

Erin